Friday, May 1, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
We’re learning more about Republican Sen. Arlen Specter’s switch to the Democratic Party. To sweeten the deal, Democrats offered him Life Alert and a lifetime’s supply of Ensure.
Specter has been a Republican since 1966. That’s gotta be hard. For 46 years you’re lying out of the right side of your mouth, now suddenly you gotta start lying out of the left side.
Now there’s talk that John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party.
David Letterman
Shooting are down in New York City. The bad news? Stabbings are up.
Do the math: It’s the high price of ammo.
The swine flu? It just gives me another reason to avoid human contact. It’s not so bad.
It’s bad in Mexico. They’re not allowing anyone to go to the soccer games. They’re playing them, just no fans are in the stands. Just like soccer here in the United States.
Craig Ferguson
President Obama has declared that Chrysler has the swine flu.
Chrysler is going to merge with Fiat. That’s great — crappy cars in two languages.
The CDC says people should wash their hands before handling food. Here’s what should happen: Joe Biden should wash his foot before putting it in his mouth.
Biden said people should stay off of subways and trains. I think the next time Biden puts his foot in his mouth, Obama should put his foot in Biden’s [butt].
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
More than 300 schools in 14 states are closed because of swine flu. I would be delighted if I was a child — it’s like snow days.
I am blaming the people at Purell for the swine flu.
Rep. Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota seems to have another idea of who’s to blame. Here’s what she said: “I find it interesting that it was back in the ‘70s swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter . . . I think it’s an interesting coincidence.”
Well, she’s wrong — it was Gerald Ford, a Republican, who was president when the last swine flu broke out.
Jay Leno
We’re learning more about Republican Sen. Arlen Specter’s switch to the Democratic Party. To sweeten the deal, Democrats offered him Life Alert and a lifetime’s supply of Ensure.
Specter has been a Republican since 1966. That’s gotta be hard. For 46 years you’re lying out of the right side of your mouth, now suddenly you gotta start lying out of the left side.
Now there’s talk that John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party.
David Letterman
Shooting are down in New York City. The bad news? Stabbings are up.
Do the math: It’s the high price of ammo.
The swine flu? It just gives me another reason to avoid human contact. It’s not so bad.
It’s bad in Mexico. They’re not allowing anyone to go to the soccer games. They’re playing them, just no fans are in the stands. Just like soccer here in the United States.
Craig Ferguson
President Obama has declared that Chrysler has the swine flu.
Chrysler is going to merge with Fiat. That’s great — crappy cars in two languages.
The CDC says people should wash their hands before handling food. Here’s what should happen: Joe Biden should wash his foot before putting it in his mouth.
Biden said people should stay off of subways and trains. I think the next time Biden puts his foot in his mouth, Obama should put his foot in Biden’s [butt].
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
More than 300 schools in 14 states are closed because of swine flu. I would be delighted if I was a child — it’s like snow days.
I am blaming the people at Purell for the swine flu.
Rep. Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota seems to have another idea of who’s to blame. Here’s what she said: “I find it interesting that it was back in the ‘70s swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter . . . I think it’s an interesting coincidence.”
Well, she’s wrong — it was Gerald Ford, a Republican, who was president when the last swine flu broke out.
