Friday, May 22, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney spoke on torture yesterday. Obama spoke out against torture, and Cheney gave more of a "how-to" discussion.
Yesterday during a speech, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that the CIA misleads us all the time. You know . . . unlike Congress.
California experienced another earthquake yesterday. California is the only state where you don't know what's going to bounce first — the ground from the earthquake or the check you get from the government.
The economy is bad. So bad, Joe Biden was seen standing outside the White House selling maps to politicians' secret locations.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things I've Learned During Fleet Week In New York City
10. Fish from the Hudson don't taste right (Petty Officer 1st Class Veronica McCoy)
9. There truly is no place like New York City during Tony Awards season (Petty Officer 2nd Class Damien Defazio)
8. I spent a month's pay on Yankee tickets (Capt. Nicholas Whitman)
7. I've seen many ships, but nothing surpasses Applebee's Baja Potato Boats (Petty Officer 1st Class Loretta Henderson)
6. Today's the perfect temperature . . . unless you're in Letterman's studio (Cpl. Robert Sandoval)
5. How do you people eat those street vendor hot dogs? (Lt. Cmdr. Carissa April)
4. Traffic lights are just for decoration (Gunnery Sgt. Sarah Nolan)
3. Katz's Deli has knishes that'll make you plotz (Lt. Brad Davis)
2. With zero percent financing there's never been a better time to buy a 2009 aircraft carrier (Petty Officer 1st Class Veda May)
1. Not everyone in a dress is a woman (Cmdr. Tony Ceraolo)
David Letterman
Scientists have repaired the Hubble telescope. They not only repaired it, they improved it. It's now the Hubble Kaleidoscope.
How about that Dick Cheney? He gave a speech on terror today. I guess it was well received. He was so excited he went outside and waterboarded people.
They found a 47 million-year-old fossil that they think may be the missing link between man and ape. And I thought, "Wait a minute — I thought that was the governor of California?"
Craig Ferguson
It was revealed today that the richest people in the world held a private meeting. People like Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Oprah Winfrey got together to talk about whatever rich people talk about: "Aren't poor people bastards? They can't afford jets!"
I think they were trying to make sure the recession doesn't affect the money they give to charity. I wonder what they did after their meeting. They probably went sightseeing in New York, looking at all the landmarks . . . buying them . . .
If you want a secret meeting, is Manhattan really the place to go? It's full of reporters, bloggers, hobos . . . hobos who used to be stock brokers . . .
I have to say, if there's an upside to the recession, at least some of those bastards are getting it in the neck. We're all broke, but at least the stock brokers are broke too.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Last night's "American Idol" was the second-lowest-rated "Idol" finale ever. Something like only 9 billion people watched.
If they want higher ratings, all they have to do is name the American Idol, then throw the old one in a volcano. Who wouldn't watch that?
Former Vice President Dick Cheney's been in the news a lot, attacking Obama. For eight years, he never said two words, now he's like Regis.
He's making so many speeches lately, I'm starting to think he's not dead.
Jimmy Fallon
The National Archives lost a harddrive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton administration. It contained Bill Clinton’s “to-do” list — 500 people long.
A survey has found that 26 percent of people admit to texting while driving. The other 74 percent admitted to texting while being hit by a car.
According to a new poll, Dick Cheney’s approval rating is up 8 percentage points since leaving office. Wow, I can’t believe Cheney’s approval rating is 8 percent.
Michelle Obama is on the cover of Time magazine this week. She says she has dinner with Barack and the kids every night. And then — oh it’s so cute — Joe Biden jumps up and tries to lick the plates.
Jay Leno
President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney spoke on torture yesterday. Obama spoke out against torture, and Cheney gave more of a "how-to" discussion.
Yesterday during a speech, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that the CIA misleads us all the time. You know . . . unlike Congress.
California experienced another earthquake yesterday. California is the only state where you don't know what's going to bounce first — the ground from the earthquake or the check you get from the government.
The economy is bad. So bad, Joe Biden was seen standing outside the White House selling maps to politicians' secret locations.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things I've Learned During Fleet Week In New York City
10. Fish from the Hudson don't taste right (Petty Officer 1st Class Veronica McCoy)
9. There truly is no place like New York City during Tony Awards season (Petty Officer 2nd Class Damien Defazio)
8. I spent a month's pay on Yankee tickets (Capt. Nicholas Whitman)
7. I've seen many ships, but nothing surpasses Applebee's Baja Potato Boats (Petty Officer 1st Class Loretta Henderson)
6. Today's the perfect temperature . . . unless you're in Letterman's studio (Cpl. Robert Sandoval)
5. How do you people eat those street vendor hot dogs? (Lt. Cmdr. Carissa April)
4. Traffic lights are just for decoration (Gunnery Sgt. Sarah Nolan)
3. Katz's Deli has knishes that'll make you plotz (Lt. Brad Davis)
2. With zero percent financing there's never been a better time to buy a 2009 aircraft carrier (Petty Officer 1st Class Veda May)
1. Not everyone in a dress is a woman (Cmdr. Tony Ceraolo)
David Letterman
Scientists have repaired the Hubble telescope. They not only repaired it, they improved it. It's now the Hubble Kaleidoscope.
How about that Dick Cheney? He gave a speech on terror today. I guess it was well received. He was so excited he went outside and waterboarded people.
They found a 47 million-year-old fossil that they think may be the missing link between man and ape. And I thought, "Wait a minute — I thought that was the governor of California?"
Craig Ferguson
It was revealed today that the richest people in the world held a private meeting. People like Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Oprah Winfrey got together to talk about whatever rich people talk about: "Aren't poor people bastards? They can't afford jets!"
I think they were trying to make sure the recession doesn't affect the money they give to charity. I wonder what they did after their meeting. They probably went sightseeing in New York, looking at all the landmarks . . . buying them . . .
If you want a secret meeting, is Manhattan really the place to go? It's full of reporters, bloggers, hobos . . . hobos who used to be stock brokers . . .
I have to say, if there's an upside to the recession, at least some of those bastards are getting it in the neck. We're all broke, but at least the stock brokers are broke too.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Last night's "American Idol" was the second-lowest-rated "Idol" finale ever. Something like only 9 billion people watched.
If they want higher ratings, all they have to do is name the American Idol, then throw the old one in a volcano. Who wouldn't watch that?
Former Vice President Dick Cheney's been in the news a lot, attacking Obama. For eight years, he never said two words, now he's like Regis.
He's making so many speeches lately, I'm starting to think he's not dead.
Jimmy Fallon
The National Archives lost a harddrive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton administration. It contained Bill Clinton’s “to-do” list — 500 people long.
A survey has found that 26 percent of people admit to texting while driving. The other 74 percent admitted to texting while being hit by a car.
According to a new poll, Dick Cheney’s approval rating is up 8 percentage points since leaving office. Wow, I can’t believe Cheney’s approval rating is 8 percent.
Michelle Obama is on the cover of Time magazine this week. She says she has dinner with Barack and the kids every night. And then — oh it’s so cute — Joe Biden jumps up and tries to lick the plates.
