Friday, May 15, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Obama held a poetry night the other night at the White House. When former President Bush heard about it he said, "Now that's torture."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says that she was misled by the CIA on waterboarding. She spent eight years complaining about how dumb President Bush was and the minute she's in trouble, she says he fooled her.
President Obama has reversed direction, saying we should not release dozens of interrogation photos. The matter has not been decided yet. I understand the photos are being reviewed by Donald Trump.
I think all this publicity has gone to Trump's head. Today he held a press conference and said some Burger King guy could keep his crown.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Director (Presented By Ron Howard)
10. The stuntman called in sick — we’re gonna set you on fire
9. Sorry, I forgot to take the lens cap off
8. This piece of crap’s going straight to DVD
7. Dammit, I keep forgetting to take the lens cap off
6. I’ve got my shot list, but can someone please find my pants?
5. I’m drunk
4. Potsie, come quick! Ralph Malph’s stuck in a phone booth with the Polinga triplets
3. We need to do some reshoots because I licked the film
2. I hope you don’t mind, I shot some footage of you in the shower
1. OK Hanks, start Gumping it up!
David Letterman
They're going through Bernie Madoff's credit card receipts. In one week he spent $100,000. Most of it was at Swindler's Depot.
Much of it was spent at a bait store. That's how he lured investors.
Dick Cheney was in one of those crazy, embarrassing, New York City moments: He was in a cab, and it turns out the cab driver was someone Cheney had waterboarded.
Scientists now say French kissing can lead to sexually transmitted diseases. I think I have a way to avoid French kissing: Get married.
Craig Ferguson
To raise money for California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's willing to sell some aging landmarks, like San Quentin Prison. So far, the only bid has come from Dick Cheney.
He wants to use it as a vacation home.
John McCain's mother was on TV saying that she doesn't like Rush Limbaugh. Here's my question: John McCain's mother is still alive!?
Jimmy Fallon
Today is Thursday. Or what I like to call on Friday, "yesterday."
A Canadian scientist was arrested for smuggling vials of Ebola into the U.S. This wouldn't happen if we'd just legalize Ebola.
Barack Obama has announced that his administration will not release photos of prisoners being abused. It's not because they don't want to, it's because they don't have the password to Dick Cheney's camera phone.
Jay Leno
President Obama held a poetry night the other night at the White House. When former President Bush heard about it he said, "Now that's torture."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says that she was misled by the CIA on waterboarding. She spent eight years complaining about how dumb President Bush was and the minute she's in trouble, she says he fooled her.
President Obama has reversed direction, saying we should not release dozens of interrogation photos. The matter has not been decided yet. I understand the photos are being reviewed by Donald Trump.
I think all this publicity has gone to Trump's head. Today he held a press conference and said some Burger King guy could keep his crown.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Director (Presented By Ron Howard)
10. The stuntman called in sick — we’re gonna set you on fire
9. Sorry, I forgot to take the lens cap off
8. This piece of crap’s going straight to DVD
7. Dammit, I keep forgetting to take the lens cap off
6. I’ve got my shot list, but can someone please find my pants?
5. I’m drunk
4. Potsie, come quick! Ralph Malph’s stuck in a phone booth with the Polinga triplets
3. We need to do some reshoots because I licked the film
2. I hope you don’t mind, I shot some footage of you in the shower
1. OK Hanks, start Gumping it up!
David Letterman
They're going through Bernie Madoff's credit card receipts. In one week he spent $100,000. Most of it was at Swindler's Depot.
Much of it was spent at a bait store. That's how he lured investors.
Dick Cheney was in one of those crazy, embarrassing, New York City moments: He was in a cab, and it turns out the cab driver was someone Cheney had waterboarded.
Scientists now say French kissing can lead to sexually transmitted diseases. I think I have a way to avoid French kissing: Get married.
Craig Ferguson
To raise money for California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's willing to sell some aging landmarks, like San Quentin Prison. So far, the only bid has come from Dick Cheney.
He wants to use it as a vacation home.
John McCain's mother was on TV saying that she doesn't like Rush Limbaugh. Here's my question: John McCain's mother is still alive!?
Jimmy Fallon
Today is Thursday. Or what I like to call on Friday, "yesterday."
A Canadian scientist was arrested for smuggling vials of Ebola into the U.S. This wouldn't happen if we'd just legalize Ebola.
Barack Obama has announced that his administration will not release photos of prisoners being abused. It's not because they don't want to, it's because they don't have the password to Dick Cheney's camera phone.
