Thursday, May 14, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Miss California, Carrie Prejean, gets to keep her crown. Not only that, she gets to keep her implants for another year.
Donald Trump reviewed the racy photos and approved. I like that he calls himself "The Donald." You can get away with that when your name is Donald. That doesn't work when your name is Colin Powell.
Or Dick Cheney . . .
Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant today. They're already embroiled in a scandal. Topless photos of Miss Saudi Arabia have surfaced. You can see her entire forehead.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises In The Sarah Palin Memoir
10. She's already completed her 2012 presidential concession speech
9. Her husband Todd is a person of interest in dozens of unsolved snowmobile hit-and-runs
8. State troopers have been instructed to taser Katie Couric on sight
7. "Memoir" is misspelled
6. Not only can she see Russia, earlier today she saw the astronauts working on Hubble
5. The entire thing, plagiarized word-for-word from Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish"
4. Cover shows her in a passionate embrace with a shirtless Fabio
3. Sworn in as governor with her left hand on a copy of "Guns & Ammo" magazine
2. Claims she had three-way sex with Michael Phelps and a stripper
1. She voted for Obama
David Letterman
Beautiful day in New York City. So nice, Bernie Madoff moved to his cell in the Hamptons.
It's graduation time. The NYU graduation speaker? Hillary Clinton. You think she looks great in a pantsuit, you ought to see her in a robe.
She told the grads, "Work hard, save your money, and one day you might be able to afford to attend a Yankees game."
Sarah Palin got a deal to write her memoir. It's titled, "The Book to Nowhere."
Craig Ferguson
President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White house. These can get out of control. Apparently somebody got up on stage and rambled on and on, and didn't make any sense . . . when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry.
It's groundbreaking to have a poetry slam there. It's never happened before. I think Dick Cheney once held a torture slam.
"There once was a man from Nantucket. I put his head in a bucket."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The three remaining contestants on "American Idol" competed twice to see who would win. Danny Goki was not chosen. Now I have to take the Goki posters over my bed down.
I had him in the office pool, too. Now I have to fire people.
Miss California, Carrie Prejean, blames the wind for blowing her shirt open and blames unscrupulous photographers for releasing topless shots of her. Here's an idea: If you don't want photographers releasing naked pictures of you, don't stand in front of a camera with your clothes off.
Jimmy Fallon
Officials say the economy is affecting the cocaine market. It's not only affecting the cocaine industry, it's trickling down . . . today, Obama asked for a bailout of the tiny spoon industry.
The New York State Assembly passed a bill approving same-sex marriage. It goes to the state Senate where it will likely face a closer vote. In other words, the bill could go both ways.
An Amish teenager in Upstate New York was ticketed for having beer in his horse-drawn buggy. I don't see what the big deal is — it's not like he was riding around with light bulbs.
Jay Leno
Miss California, Carrie Prejean, gets to keep her crown. Not only that, she gets to keep her implants for another year.
Donald Trump reviewed the racy photos and approved. I like that he calls himself "The Donald." You can get away with that when your name is Donald. That doesn't work when your name is Colin Powell.
Or Dick Cheney . . .
Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant today. They're already embroiled in a scandal. Topless photos of Miss Saudi Arabia have surfaced. You can see her entire forehead.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises In The Sarah Palin Memoir
10. She's already completed her 2012 presidential concession speech
9. Her husband Todd is a person of interest in dozens of unsolved snowmobile hit-and-runs
8. State troopers have been instructed to taser Katie Couric on sight
7. "Memoir" is misspelled
6. Not only can she see Russia, earlier today she saw the astronauts working on Hubble
5. The entire thing, plagiarized word-for-word from Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish"
4. Cover shows her in a passionate embrace with a shirtless Fabio
3. Sworn in as governor with her left hand on a copy of "Guns & Ammo" magazine
2. Claims she had three-way sex with Michael Phelps and a stripper
1. She voted for Obama
David Letterman
Beautiful day in New York City. So nice, Bernie Madoff moved to his cell in the Hamptons.
It's graduation time. The NYU graduation speaker? Hillary Clinton. You think she looks great in a pantsuit, you ought to see her in a robe.
She told the grads, "Work hard, save your money, and one day you might be able to afford to attend a Yankees game."
Sarah Palin got a deal to write her memoir. It's titled, "The Book to Nowhere."
Craig Ferguson
President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White house. These can get out of control. Apparently somebody got up on stage and rambled on and on, and didn't make any sense . . . when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry.
It's groundbreaking to have a poetry slam there. It's never happened before. I think Dick Cheney once held a torture slam.
"There once was a man from Nantucket. I put his head in a bucket."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The three remaining contestants on "American Idol" competed twice to see who would win. Danny Goki was not chosen. Now I have to take the Goki posters over my bed down.
I had him in the office pool, too. Now I have to fire people.
Miss California, Carrie Prejean, blames the wind for blowing her shirt open and blames unscrupulous photographers for releasing topless shots of her. Here's an idea: If you don't want photographers releasing naked pictures of you, don't stand in front of a camera with your clothes off.
Jimmy Fallon
Officials say the economy is affecting the cocaine market. It's not only affecting the cocaine industry, it's trickling down . . . today, Obama asked for a bailout of the tiny spoon industry.
The New York State Assembly passed a bill approving same-sex marriage. It goes to the state Senate where it will likely face a closer vote. In other words, the bill could go both ways.
An Amish teenager in Upstate New York was ticketed for having beer in his horse-drawn buggy. I don't see what the big deal is — it's not like he was riding around with light bulbs.
