Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Los Angeles starts water rationing in June — which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week.
Another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. Here's more proof you don't need to waterboard — just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks.
This is all part of our new plan: "Don't Ask — We'll Tell."
His secret hiding place turned out to be his basement . . . I guess the enemy would never think to look there.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Classified Pieces Of Information Revealed By Joe Biden
10. Biden confirmed vice president has no actual responsibilities
9. Obama also bought his kids a kangaroo
8. Nixon faked his death to escape gambling debts
7. In case of trouble, President's car can turn into a fighting robot
6. To enter Oval Office, you must know the president's secret fist-bump
5. Biden often skips staff meetings to watch "Jon And Kate Plus Eight"
4. America will declare that it's going out of business next Tuesday
3. Obama smokes in his sleep
2. When Bush ran out of pate at a state dinner, he fed Queen Elizabeth week-old taco meat
1. Dick Cheney once caught waterboarding himself
David Letterman
Good news for the environment — they're cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad the salmon had to swim upstream for their hepatitis shots.
They're saying the Hudson River has more chemicals than Manny Ramirez.
Dick Cheney is in town. He's here to see all his favorite shows — "Phantom" . . . "Wicked" . . . "Stomp."
Joe Biden, our vice president, was yakking away over the weekend, and he gave away Dick Cheney's undisclosed hidden location where he would go in times of emergency. Top secret information, classified information. Joe Biden is living proof people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.
Craig Ferguson
There was an earthquake in Los Angeles last night. It only did minor damage — Lindsay Lohan was knocked back into lesbianism.
The government in China shut down a sex theme park before it even opened. It was designed to teach Chinese people about sex. Do we really need to teach the world's most overpopulated country about sex? They know!
I like the idea of a sex theme park, though. Instead of the Tea Cups, there could be the D-Cups.
Jimmy Fallon
On Saturday, President Obama went to daughters Malia and Sasha's soccer game. He went in Minivan One.
In the new issue of Newsweek, they're calling Barack Obama "Spock with global sex appeal." Which is a bit of coincidence because Time is calling Joe Biden "Chewbacca with fur plugs."
A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male Republicans. In other words — Republicans.
Jay Leno
Los Angeles starts water rationing in June — which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week.
Another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. Here's more proof you don't need to waterboard — just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks.
This is all part of our new plan: "Don't Ask — We'll Tell."
His secret hiding place turned out to be his basement . . . I guess the enemy would never think to look there.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Classified Pieces Of Information Revealed By Joe Biden
10. Biden confirmed vice president has no actual responsibilities
9. Obama also bought his kids a kangaroo
8. Nixon faked his death to escape gambling debts
7. In case of trouble, President's car can turn into a fighting robot
6. To enter Oval Office, you must know the president's secret fist-bump
5. Biden often skips staff meetings to watch "Jon And Kate Plus Eight"
4. America will declare that it's going out of business next Tuesday
3. Obama smokes in his sleep
2. When Bush ran out of pate at a state dinner, he fed Queen Elizabeth week-old taco meat
1. Dick Cheney once caught waterboarding himself
David Letterman
Good news for the environment — they're cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad the salmon had to swim upstream for their hepatitis shots.
They're saying the Hudson River has more chemicals than Manny Ramirez.
Dick Cheney is in town. He's here to see all his favorite shows — "Phantom" . . . "Wicked" . . . "Stomp."
Joe Biden, our vice president, was yakking away over the weekend, and he gave away Dick Cheney's undisclosed hidden location where he would go in times of emergency. Top secret information, classified information. Joe Biden is living proof people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.
Craig Ferguson
There was an earthquake in Los Angeles last night. It only did minor damage — Lindsay Lohan was knocked back into lesbianism.
The government in China shut down a sex theme park before it even opened. It was designed to teach Chinese people about sex. Do we really need to teach the world's most overpopulated country about sex? They know!
I like the idea of a sex theme park, though. Instead of the Tea Cups, there could be the D-Cups.
Jimmy Fallon
On Saturday, President Obama went to daughters Malia and Sasha's soccer game. He went in Minivan One.
In the new issue of Newsweek, they're calling Barack Obama "Spock with global sex appeal." Which is a bit of coincidence because Time is calling Joe Biden "Chewbacca with fur plugs."
A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male Republicans. In other words — Republicans.
