Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
John Edwards said he and his wife are getting to "a better place." He said after admitting the affair, he took a look in the mirror and fell in love all over again.
Elizabeth's Edwards' book "Resilience" comes out today. John's is already out: "Cheating for Dummies."
The price of a postage stamp has gone up to 44 cents. The government says they had to raise the price because fewer people are using the mail these days. That's government thinking for you — "Hey nobody's buying our products . . . let's raise the price!"
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Obsessed With "Star Trek"
10. You're writing "Star Date 5946" on your checks
9. Family dog plus aluminum foil equals space dog
8. Built your own phaser out of a staple gun and 20 D batteries
7. Last Halloween, you dressed as "Star Trek" props designer, Irving A. Feinberg
6. You spend a lot of lonely nights "wrestling the Gorn"
5. During your Power Point presentation for company's 2nd quarter review, the word "Romulans" came up more than one would normally expect
4. Always telling barber, "Give me the Spock"
3. You're already camped out for the 2011 "Star Trek" sequel
2. When the Stock Market goes down, you'll suddenly yell, "KHAAAAAN!"
1. Got suspended at work for trying to mind-meld with an intern
David Letterman
Beautiful day in New York City. So nice, Manny Ramirez tested positive for lemonade.
Manny Ramirez has tested positive for some sort of female hormone. The Dodgers are saying they became suspicious when Manny missed a game to go to a Lamaze class.
President Obama's security adviser says he just doesn't know whether Osama bin Laden is dead or alive . . . same thing with Larry King.
He says he doesn't know whether bin Laden is dead or alive. Well, hell — our last president didn't know whether Lincoln was dead or alive.
Craig Ferguson
During the Miss USA pageant, Miss California was asked a question about gay marriage by Perez Hilton. At a press conference, Donald Trump said he thought Perez was "engaging in self promotion." Trump accusing someone else of self promotion!?!?
That's like the Octo-Mom accusing someone of having too many kids.
Trump had to decide whether she would keep her crown after topless photos turned up. He said it was his judgment that Miss California could keep her crown. Trump would never tell someone to remove a useless piece of rubbish from their head . . . why would he?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
You're not going to believe this — a beauty contestant, Carrie Prejean, posed naked
in pictures. She had to go face to face today with Judge Donald Trump. He owns the Miss USA pageant so he would decide whether or not to de-sash Miss California. It was difficult for him to go public because he's such an intensely private man.
He decided she could keep her crown. Who better to judge what should and should not be on someone's head.
There was also controversy when she stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. Trump pointed out that even Obama does not support same-sex marriage, and also he pointed out that he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a series of progressively younger women.
Jimmy Fallon
President Obama fired our top military commander in Afghanistan. It was a tough call to fire him, but in the end, he hired Joan Rivers.
Shirley Jones, the 75-year-old actress from the "Partridge Family," may pose nude for Playboy. She said after 50 years in the business, she's ready to let it all hang down.
A 12-year-old boy in Iran is officially running for president. They say it's the craziest thing to happen in Iran since a woman drove a car.
Jay Leno
John Edwards said he and his wife are getting to "a better place." He said after admitting the affair, he took a look in the mirror and fell in love all over again.
Elizabeth's Edwards' book "Resilience" comes out today. John's is already out: "Cheating for Dummies."
The price of a postage stamp has gone up to 44 cents. The government says they had to raise the price because fewer people are using the mail these days. That's government thinking for you — "Hey nobody's buying our products . . . let's raise the price!"
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Obsessed With "Star Trek"
10. You're writing "Star Date 5946" on your checks
9. Family dog plus aluminum foil equals space dog
8. Built your own phaser out of a staple gun and 20 D batteries
7. Last Halloween, you dressed as "Star Trek" props designer, Irving A. Feinberg
6. You spend a lot of lonely nights "wrestling the Gorn"
5. During your Power Point presentation for company's 2nd quarter review, the word "Romulans" came up more than one would normally expect
4. Always telling barber, "Give me the Spock"
3. You're already camped out for the 2011 "Star Trek" sequel
2. When the Stock Market goes down, you'll suddenly yell, "KHAAAAAN!"
1. Got suspended at work for trying to mind-meld with an intern
David Letterman
Beautiful day in New York City. So nice, Manny Ramirez tested positive for lemonade.
Manny Ramirez has tested positive for some sort of female hormone. The Dodgers are saying they became suspicious when Manny missed a game to go to a Lamaze class.
President Obama's security adviser says he just doesn't know whether Osama bin Laden is dead or alive . . . same thing with Larry King.
He says he doesn't know whether bin Laden is dead or alive. Well, hell — our last president didn't know whether Lincoln was dead or alive.
Craig Ferguson
During the Miss USA pageant, Miss California was asked a question about gay marriage by Perez Hilton. At a press conference, Donald Trump said he thought Perez was "engaging in self promotion." Trump accusing someone else of self promotion!?!?
That's like the Octo-Mom accusing someone of having too many kids.
Trump had to decide whether she would keep her crown after topless photos turned up. He said it was his judgment that Miss California could keep her crown. Trump would never tell someone to remove a useless piece of rubbish from their head . . . why would he?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
You're not going to believe this — a beauty contestant, Carrie Prejean, posed naked
in pictures. She had to go face to face today with Judge Donald Trump. He owns the Miss USA pageant so he would decide whether or not to de-sash Miss California. It was difficult for him to go public because he's such an intensely private man.
He decided she could keep her crown. Who better to judge what should and should not be on someone's head.
There was also controversy when she stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. Trump pointed out that even Obama does not support same-sex marriage, and also he pointed out that he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a series of progressively younger women.
Jimmy Fallon
President Obama fired our top military commander in Afghanistan. It was a tough call to fire him, but in the end, he hired Joan Rivers.
Shirley Jones, the 75-year-old actress from the "Partridge Family," may pose nude for Playboy. She said after 50 years in the business, she's ready to let it all hang down.
A 12-year-old boy in Iran is officially running for president. They say it's the craziest thing to happen in Iran since a woman drove a car.
