Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama and Dick Cheney have been going at each other all week. It’s like big-time wrestling. It’s like charisma vs. arrhythmia.
I can’t believe Dick Cheney. He keeps giving speeches, and he’s appearing on TV news shows. It’s like he thinks he’s still president.
Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim that the CIA lied to her, but Pelosi remained tight-lipped . . . she also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eye-lidded.
In fact, before she left, Pelosi told the press she's not going to have any further comment on this whole controversy about the CIA. That's it. No more talking, she's not going to say another word. Why can’t we get this deal with Joe Biden?
Craig Ferguson
Happy Memorial Day. I have to work because CBS won't let me have the day off. Memorial Day is CBS Latin for "Make the immigrant work the holiday."
I wonder what President Obama did this weekend for Memorial Day. He probably spent the day with the new pet: throwing him sticks, watching him slobber and get all excited . . . what's the pet's name? Oh — Joe Biden.
Memorial Day is an important day of remembrance. It originally was called Decoration Day. How do we celebrate it? Sales on mattresses.
Jimmy Fallon
North Korea detonated an underground nuclear weapon today. So I guess they'll be ready if they're ever attacked by gophers.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi is going to debate climate change with the Chinese. She'll do fine — these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first.
Honolulu just conducted the first-ever, all-digital elections. No voting booths. People cast their votes online or by phone. Everyone should congratulate Honolulu's new mayor — a piano-playing cat.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama and Dick Cheney have been going at each other all week. It’s like big-time wrestling. It’s like charisma vs. arrhythmia.
I can’t believe Dick Cheney. He keeps giving speeches, and he’s appearing on TV news shows. It’s like he thinks he’s still president.
Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim that the CIA lied to her, but Pelosi remained tight-lipped . . . she also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eye-lidded.
In fact, before she left, Pelosi told the press she's not going to have any further comment on this whole controversy about the CIA. That's it. No more talking, she's not going to say another word. Why can’t we get this deal with Joe Biden?
Craig Ferguson
Happy Memorial Day. I have to work because CBS won't let me have the day off. Memorial Day is CBS Latin for "Make the immigrant work the holiday."
I wonder what President Obama did this weekend for Memorial Day. He probably spent the day with the new pet: throwing him sticks, watching him slobber and get all excited . . . what's the pet's name? Oh — Joe Biden.
Memorial Day is an important day of remembrance. It originally was called Decoration Day. How do we celebrate it? Sales on mattresses.
Jimmy Fallon
North Korea detonated an underground nuclear weapon today. So I guess they'll be ready if they're ever attacked by gophers.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi is going to debate climate change with the Chinese. She'll do fine — these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first.
Honolulu just conducted the first-ever, all-digital elections. No voting booths. People cast their votes online or by phone. Everyone should congratulate Honolulu's new mayor — a piano-playing cat.
