Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Spring break officially starts this week. This is the time when the term “bail out” has a whole new meaning.
It was this week in 1854 that the Republican Party was founded with only a handful of true believers. Just like today.
At the Conservative Political Action Conference, Mitt Romney was picked over Sarah Palin, in a straw poll, to be the next presidential candidate, which is kind of interesting. I mean, one is a pretty face obsessed with hair and makeup, and the other, of course, is governor of Alaska.
The Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, this will be the Obamas’ second choice of a dog. The first dog had some tax problems.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard In New York During Today's Snowstorm
10. "The snow's falling as fast as the Dow"
9. "It's nice to see the streets glistening with something besides urine"
8. "I just got fined 50 bucks for groping a snowman"
7. "We'll have to postpone the annual garbage pickup until next year"
6. "My cousin brought back some primo rock salt from the Dominican"
5. "Starbucks is selling something called a 'Slushaccino'"
4. "Al Gore can suck it!"
3. "Look, there's Letterman — get him!"
2. "No, officer, I offered her $50 to blow on my hands"
1. "Regis attached a snowblower to his Rascal scooter"
David Letterman
A foot of snow here in New York City. That Mayor Bloomberg is up to his ears in trouble.
Good news — the foot of snow broke the fall of jumping stockbrokers.
There’s so much snow in the suburbs, you can’t see the foreclosure signs.
Conditions were so bad that at LaGuardia, a US Airways jet accidentally landed on the runway.
Craig Ferguson
There was a terrible blizzard all over the East Coast. Police say there would have been terrible traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to.
News from Iraq: The Iranian minister says Hollywood must apologize for making movies that are offensive to Iranians. It was in The New York Times so there might be some truth to it. Maybe.
Hollywood doesn’t apologize to anyone. I’ve seen dozens of crap movies and they’ve never apologized to me. But I don’t have nuclear weapons. Wait — neither do you, Iran.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
MSNBC had a report on the top consumers of online porn by state. It turns out 8 of the top 10 are red states. John McCain must be delighted about all the hands he shook while he was there.
Here in California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating has dropped. People seem to be having second thoughts about having elected a robot to run the state.
Cold and snowy and throughout most of the country. Here in L.A., it was in the mid-80s over the weekend. The only time we have to shovel our driveways is when Lindsay Lohan throws up on them.
Jay Leno
Spring break officially starts this week. This is the time when the term “bail out” has a whole new meaning.
It was this week in 1854 that the Republican Party was founded with only a handful of true believers. Just like today.
At the Conservative Political Action Conference, Mitt Romney was picked over Sarah Palin, in a straw poll, to be the next presidential candidate, which is kind of interesting. I mean, one is a pretty face obsessed with hair and makeup, and the other, of course, is governor of Alaska.
The Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, this will be the Obamas’ second choice of a dog. The first dog had some tax problems.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard In New York During Today's Snowstorm
10. "The snow's falling as fast as the Dow"
9. "It's nice to see the streets glistening with something besides urine"
8. "I just got fined 50 bucks for groping a snowman"
7. "We'll have to postpone the annual garbage pickup until next year"
6. "My cousin brought back some primo rock salt from the Dominican"
5. "Starbucks is selling something called a 'Slushaccino'"
4. "Al Gore can suck it!"
3. "Look, there's Letterman — get him!"
2. "No, officer, I offered her $50 to blow on my hands"
1. "Regis attached a snowblower to his Rascal scooter"
David Letterman
A foot of snow here in New York City. That Mayor Bloomberg is up to his ears in trouble.
Good news — the foot of snow broke the fall of jumping stockbrokers.
There’s so much snow in the suburbs, you can’t see the foreclosure signs.
Conditions were so bad that at LaGuardia, a US Airways jet accidentally landed on the runway.
Craig Ferguson
There was a terrible blizzard all over the East Coast. Police say there would have been terrible traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to.
News from Iraq: The Iranian minister says Hollywood must apologize for making movies that are offensive to Iranians. It was in The New York Times so there might be some truth to it. Maybe.
Hollywood doesn’t apologize to anyone. I’ve seen dozens of crap movies and they’ve never apologized to me. But I don’t have nuclear weapons. Wait — neither do you, Iran.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
MSNBC had a report on the top consumers of online porn by state. It turns out 8 of the top 10 are red states. John McCain must be delighted about all the hands he shook while he was there.
Here in California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating has dropped. People seem to be having second thoughts about having elected a robot to run the state.
Cold and snowy and throughout most of the country. Here in L.A., it was in the mid-80s over the weekend. The only time we have to shovel our driveways is when Lindsay Lohan throws up on them.
