Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
The Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering a pledge of $900 million to the Palestinians in Gaza. Let’s hope they don’t spend it all on rocks this time.
Apparently we ran out of banks here to bail out, so now we’re bailing out the West Bank.
The U.S. government guaranteed the $900 million will go directly to the Palestinian people . . . why can’t we get that deal in this country?
Ben Bernanke said the recession might end this year. Yeah, he also said Paris Hilton could win an Oscar.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Stockbroker Is Losing It
10. His "office" is in the patio section at Walmart
9. Assures you President McCain will lower interest rates
8. Buys 15,000 shares of a company called "Gogle"
7. He has a seat on the Bayonne Stock Exchange
6. When you ask him what he thinks about the market, he does this: "meow"
5. Last week, got into a shouting match with his calculator
4. Claims to be the bastard child of Merrill and Lynch
3. When the opening bell rings, he screams, "Fire!"
2. Makes you call him "mommy" so he can list you as a dependent
1. During the day he handles your money; at night he handles your wife
David Letterman
Cold in New York City . . . 24 degrees. No, wait — that was the Dow Jones average.
So cold, instead of the Yankees, Madonna is sleeping with the Miami Heat.
So cold, Bernie Madoff says he needs a penthouse in Florida.
Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth, says she wants to keep $69 million. She wants the money. I guess that makes sense because once he’s in prison, she won’t be getting any of that fraud money.
Craig Ferguson
The stock market is fluctuating wildly. I haven’t seen this much bouncing up and down since Clinton was in the White House.
There’s a mall that’s been playing Barry Manilow music to drive away teenagers. Apparently it works. But now it’s infested with aging gay people.
The L.A. Board of Supervisors has declared the first week of March “No Swearing Week.” No swearing in L.A. and Christian Bale has left town . . . coincidence?
Doesn’t the L.A. Board of Supervisors have anything better to do? Unemployment’s at 10 percent in Los Angeles; the gang problem is out of control; the air is unbreathable . . . let’s get rid of the swearing!
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Square Root Day. Square Root Day is when the day and the month are square roots. So if you multiply 3 and 3, you get 9. The last one was 2-2-04. It’s a holiday founded back in the '40s by a group of students who felt they weren’t getting enough wedgies.
On every Square Root Eve, Pythagoras flies through the air on his magical slide rule bringing polynomials and fractions to all good girls and boys.
Mostly boys.
Rush Limbaugh has admitted he is rooting for Barack Obama to fail. He was in Washington over the weekend giving his “No We Can’t” speech.
Jay Leno
The Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering a pledge of $900 million to the Palestinians in Gaza. Let’s hope they don’t spend it all on rocks this time.
Apparently we ran out of banks here to bail out, so now we’re bailing out the West Bank.
The U.S. government guaranteed the $900 million will go directly to the Palestinian people . . . why can’t we get that deal in this country?
Ben Bernanke said the recession might end this year. Yeah, he also said Paris Hilton could win an Oscar.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Stockbroker Is Losing It
10. His "office" is in the patio section at Walmart
9. Assures you President McCain will lower interest rates
8. Buys 15,000 shares of a company called "Gogle"
7. He has a seat on the Bayonne Stock Exchange
6. When you ask him what he thinks about the market, he does this: "meow"
5. Last week, got into a shouting match with his calculator
4. Claims to be the bastard child of Merrill and Lynch
3. When the opening bell rings, he screams, "Fire!"
2. Makes you call him "mommy" so he can list you as a dependent
1. During the day he handles your money; at night he handles your wife
David Letterman
Cold in New York City . . . 24 degrees. No, wait — that was the Dow Jones average.
So cold, instead of the Yankees, Madonna is sleeping with the Miami Heat.
So cold, Bernie Madoff says he needs a penthouse in Florida.
Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth, says she wants to keep $69 million. She wants the money. I guess that makes sense because once he’s in prison, she won’t be getting any of that fraud money.
Craig Ferguson
The stock market is fluctuating wildly. I haven’t seen this much bouncing up and down since Clinton was in the White House.
There’s a mall that’s been playing Barry Manilow music to drive away teenagers. Apparently it works. But now it’s infested with aging gay people.
The L.A. Board of Supervisors has declared the first week of March “No Swearing Week.” No swearing in L.A. and Christian Bale has left town . . . coincidence?
Doesn’t the L.A. Board of Supervisors have anything better to do? Unemployment’s at 10 percent in Los Angeles; the gang problem is out of control; the air is unbreathable . . . let’s get rid of the swearing!
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Square Root Day. Square Root Day is when the day and the month are square roots. So if you multiply 3 and 3, you get 9. The last one was 2-2-04. It’s a holiday founded back in the '40s by a group of students who felt they weren’t getting enough wedgies.
On every Square Root Eve, Pythagoras flies through the air on his magical slide rule bringing polynomials and fractions to all good girls and boys.
Mostly boys.
Rush Limbaugh has admitted he is rooting for Barack Obama to fail. He was in Washington over the weekend giving his “No We Can’t” speech.
