Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Over the weekend in D.C., first lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. Isn’t that nice? Reaching out to the middle class . . .
Former president George W. Bush says he will start a speaking tour. Just as soon as he learns how to speak.
President Obama signed a bill overturning Bush’s restrictions on stem-cell research. He said stem-cell research can help save lives, cure diseases, help develop better hair plugs for Joe Biden.
President Obama said that he is against human cloning. See, I think there ought to be exceptions. For example, let’s say Obama can find a nominee who can pay his taxes . . .
David Letterman
A new poll says Americans are less religious than ever before. But I think Americans are religious. Just watch them when they look at their 401(k)s . . . “Oh, God . . .”
The economy is bad. So bad, even Tom Cruise is taking antidepressants.
The stock market is going down, down. Today, I tipped my cab driver with 100 shares of GM stock.
The New York Stock Exchange is now a 99 cent store.
Craig Ferguson
Daylight Saving Time has started, which means you get an extra hour of daylight to watch your savings go down the toilet.
I was in Indianapolis over the weekend. It’s great there and I’m not just saying it because my boss, David Letterman, is from there. They’re renaming Indianapolis to David Letterman-opolis or something in honor.
“Dancing With the Stars” had its season premier. They asked me to be on, but it fell through. I love “Dancing With the Stars,” though. Being able to vote makes me feel like I’m part of the show. So does dressing up in heels and dancing around.
Jimmy Fallon
Republicans are attacking Obama because he says he wants to negotiate with the Taliban. Obama responded, “Hey — right now I’d rather deal with the Taliban than the Republicans.”
North Korea leader Kim Jong Il won re-election with 100 percent of the vote. Kim said he looked forward to finding common ground with his opponent until he kills him.
In Salt Lake City, Utah, two female junior high school teachers were arrested after they had sex with the same 13-year-old student. I don’t know what the big deal is — in Utah, that’s home-schooling
Jay Leno
Over the weekend in D.C., first lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. Isn’t that nice? Reaching out to the middle class . . .
Former president George W. Bush says he will start a speaking tour. Just as soon as he learns how to speak.
President Obama signed a bill overturning Bush’s restrictions on stem-cell research. He said stem-cell research can help save lives, cure diseases, help develop better hair plugs for Joe Biden.
President Obama said that he is against human cloning. See, I think there ought to be exceptions. For example, let’s say Obama can find a nominee who can pay his taxes . . .
David Letterman
A new poll says Americans are less religious than ever before. But I think Americans are religious. Just watch them when they look at their 401(k)s . . . “Oh, God . . .”
The economy is bad. So bad, even Tom Cruise is taking antidepressants.
The stock market is going down, down. Today, I tipped my cab driver with 100 shares of GM stock.
The New York Stock Exchange is now a 99 cent store.
Craig Ferguson
Daylight Saving Time has started, which means you get an extra hour of daylight to watch your savings go down the toilet.
I was in Indianapolis over the weekend. It’s great there and I’m not just saying it because my boss, David Letterman, is from there. They’re renaming Indianapolis to David Letterman-opolis or something in honor.
“Dancing With the Stars” had its season premier. They asked me to be on, but it fell through. I love “Dancing With the Stars,” though. Being able to vote makes me feel like I’m part of the show. So does dressing up in heels and dancing around.
Jimmy Fallon
Republicans are attacking Obama because he says he wants to negotiate with the Taliban. Obama responded, “Hey — right now I’d rather deal with the Taliban than the Republicans.”
North Korea leader Kim Jong Il won re-election with 100 percent of the vote. Kim said he looked forward to finding common ground with his opponent until he kills him.
In Salt Lake City, Utah, two female junior high school teachers were arrested after they had sex with the same 13-year-old student. I don’t know what the big deal is — in Utah, that’s home-schooling
