Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day. Of course, Saint Patrick’s Day is a little different this year — nobody has any green left.
A Saint Patrick’s Day quiz: What’s the difference between an AIG executive and a drunken Irishman? A drunken Irishman spends his own money.
In a speech yesterday, President Barack Obama lashed out about the excessive AIG bonuses. He was so upset he changed his slogan from “Yes We Can” to “Oh No You Don’t.”
The Republicans are onboard too. Iowa Sen. Charles Grassley told AIG executives to either quit or commit suicide. Now see, that’s just plain wrong. I mean, why give them the option of suicide?
David Letterman
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day. I drank a huge bottle of green beer and felt horrible, just horrible. Turns out it was mouthwash.
Beautiful day in New York City. So beautiful, AIG gave a bonus to Al Roker.
After receiving bailout money and going broke again, AIG has given huge bonuses to its executives. They’re getting bonuses for doing a horrible job . . . well, heck, I should get one.
If anyone drinks too much today and needs a good way to sober up, just take a good look at your 401(k) statement.
Craig Ferguson
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day. Saint Patrick is famous for ridding Ireland of its snakes. At one time, Ireland was all snakes and potatoes.
I don’t know how he got rid of them — I think he put them on a plane.
Saint Patrick’s Day is a much bigger holiday in America than it is in Ireland. Because let’s face it — the Irish don’t need an excuse to go drinking. “What are we going to drink to today?” “Well, it’s Monday.” “Monday, you say? Well, off we go!”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day. The water in the water fountain in front of the White House was dyed green . . . which might be the only green Americans see for some time.
This morning, the president was gifted with a box of shamrocks from the Irish prime minister. It’s a tradition, I guess. What they should do is transplant those shamrocks onto the vice presidents forehead.
They had a big St. Patty’s Day party at the White House complete with corned beef and cabbage and green beer. It’s an important part of Obama’s “everybody-get-drunk-and-forget-about-the-economy” policy.
Things got ugly when Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve, mistook Dennis Kucinich for a leprechaun and tried to choke him for his gold.
Jimmy Fallon
A Delta Airlines flight had to return to the airport yesterday after hitting a flock of birds during takeoff. The plane landed safely back on the runway, and everyone’s just fine. But I heard Captain Sully Sullenberger yelling, “boooooring.”
Here in New York, a judge ruled that a woman cannot sue a bar owner after she slipped while dancing on the bar. The case is called The People v. “Come on Eileen.”
A 62-year-old woman in Florida hit a hole-in-one with her very first swing on a golf course. She said she didn’t even know she had done anything special until her husband started to strangle her.
Jay Leno
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day. Of course, Saint Patrick’s Day is a little different this year — nobody has any green left.
A Saint Patrick’s Day quiz: What’s the difference between an AIG executive and a drunken Irishman? A drunken Irishman spends his own money.
In a speech yesterday, President Barack Obama lashed out about the excessive AIG bonuses. He was so upset he changed his slogan from “Yes We Can” to “Oh No You Don’t.”
The Republicans are onboard too. Iowa Sen. Charles Grassley told AIG executives to either quit or commit suicide. Now see, that’s just plain wrong. I mean, why give them the option of suicide?
David Letterman
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day. I drank a huge bottle of green beer and felt horrible, just horrible. Turns out it was mouthwash.
Beautiful day in New York City. So beautiful, AIG gave a bonus to Al Roker.
After receiving bailout money and going broke again, AIG has given huge bonuses to its executives. They’re getting bonuses for doing a horrible job . . . well, heck, I should get one.
If anyone drinks too much today and needs a good way to sober up, just take a good look at your 401(k) statement.
Craig Ferguson
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day. Saint Patrick is famous for ridding Ireland of its snakes. At one time, Ireland was all snakes and potatoes.
I don’t know how he got rid of them — I think he put them on a plane.
Saint Patrick’s Day is a much bigger holiday in America than it is in Ireland. Because let’s face it — the Irish don’t need an excuse to go drinking. “What are we going to drink to today?” “Well, it’s Monday.” “Monday, you say? Well, off we go!”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day. The water in the water fountain in front of the White House was dyed green . . . which might be the only green Americans see for some time.
This morning, the president was gifted with a box of shamrocks from the Irish prime minister. It’s a tradition, I guess. What they should do is transplant those shamrocks onto the vice presidents forehead.
They had a big St. Patty’s Day party at the White House complete with corned beef and cabbage and green beer. It’s an important part of Obama’s “everybody-get-drunk-and-forget-about-the-economy” policy.
Things got ugly when Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve, mistook Dennis Kucinich for a leprechaun and tried to choke him for his gold.
Jimmy Fallon
A Delta Airlines flight had to return to the airport yesterday after hitting a flock of birds during takeoff. The plane landed safely back on the runway, and everyone’s just fine. But I heard Captain Sully Sullenberger yelling, “boooooring.”
Here in New York, a judge ruled that a woman cannot sue a bar owner after she slipped while dancing on the bar. The case is called The People v. “Come on Eileen.”
A 62-year-old woman in Florida hit a hole-in-one with her very first swing on a golf course. She said she didn’t even know she had done anything special until her husband started to strangle her.
