Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Yesterday was Presidents Day. Congress commemorated George Washington’s throwing a dollar across the Potomac by throwing $780 billion down a rat hole.
In Denver, President Obama signed the stimulus package into law. Anyone feel stimulated?
Fewer people are getting plastic surgery, the industry reports. How ironic. The one time you need a smile on your face and you can’t even afford to get it.
Things are so bad, three stockbrokers tried to kill themselves by eating peanuts.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas
10. Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something
9. Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler
8. Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"
7. Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors
6. Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits
5. Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso
4. Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy
3. Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products
2. Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"
1. Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama
David Letterman
A new study finds that people who are chipper and happy live longer. Which is surprising because people who are not chipper and happy want to kill people who are always chipper and happy.
It’s Fashion Week in New York City. Even Mayor Bloomberg is excited. Instead of phone books, he was standing on a stack of Vogue magazines.
California is bankrupt. Here’s how bad it is: They’ve canceled the next three mudslides.
It’s so bad that that woman who had octuplets? She said next time she’s only going to have twins.
Craig Ferguson
There’s a new study that says the bad economy can lower men’s testosterone levels. I really don’t think I can lose anymore.
Scientists are saying that by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman.
Reports say that President Obama is moving towards the Swedish models of banking. A president moving towards Swedish models? That hasn’t happened since the Clinton administration.
Even Trump is losing money. His casino in Atlantic City is going bankrupt. I am worried about Atlantic City. With casinos going bankrupt, I'm worried things there could get a little seedy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Obama’s spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he’s still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress a jar of peanuts.
Even when peanuts are salmonella free, some people are allergic to them. Some people, like one CNN anchor, can’t even say the word peanuts: “Northwest Airlines began serving peenus this month. Travelers with allergies are flooding the carrier with complaints.”
Someone had a hell of a Valentine’s Day.
Jay Leno
Yesterday was Presidents Day. Congress commemorated George Washington’s throwing a dollar across the Potomac by throwing $780 billion down a rat hole.
In Denver, President Obama signed the stimulus package into law. Anyone feel stimulated?
Fewer people are getting plastic surgery, the industry reports. How ironic. The one time you need a smile on your face and you can’t even afford to get it.
Things are so bad, three stockbrokers tried to kill themselves by eating peanuts.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas
10. Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something
9. Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler
8. Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"
7. Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors
6. Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits
5. Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso
4. Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy
3. Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products
2. Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"
1. Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama
David Letterman
A new study finds that people who are chipper and happy live longer. Which is surprising because people who are not chipper and happy want to kill people who are always chipper and happy.
It’s Fashion Week in New York City. Even Mayor Bloomberg is excited. Instead of phone books, he was standing on a stack of Vogue magazines.
California is bankrupt. Here’s how bad it is: They’ve canceled the next three mudslides.
It’s so bad that that woman who had octuplets? She said next time she’s only going to have twins.
Craig Ferguson
There’s a new study that says the bad economy can lower men’s testosterone levels. I really don’t think I can lose anymore.
Scientists are saying that by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman.
Reports say that President Obama is moving towards the Swedish models of banking. A president moving towards Swedish models? That hasn’t happened since the Clinton administration.
Even Trump is losing money. His casino in Atlantic City is going bankrupt. I am worried about Atlantic City. With casinos going bankrupt, I'm worried things there could get a little seedy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Obama’s spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he’s still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress a jar of peanuts.
Even when peanuts are salmonella free, some people are allergic to them. Some people, like one CNN anchor, can’t even say the word peanuts: “Northwest Airlines began serving peenus this month. Travelers with allergies are flooding the carrier with complaints.”
Someone had a hell of a Valentine’s Day.
