Friday, February 20, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was in Japan this week. There was an awkward moment when at one point she saw some sumo wrestlers and she said to the prime minister, "Oh, you have interns here too."
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with the Pope this week, and after the meeting, she asked for the Pope's blessing. Another embarrassing moment . . . when he asked her to close her eyes, she said, "I can't . . ." Botox and all . . .
California finally passed a budget. The impasse was finally overcome when Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger threatened to make a sequel to "Kindergarten Cop."
Now Californians can go back to doing what they do best — buying homes they can't afford and letting murderers go free
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard at Kim Jong Il's Campaign Headquarters
10. "How do we improve perfection?"
9. "Maybe it would help your likability if you stopped killing people"
8. "Remind voters there have been no Godzilla attacks on my watch"
7. "After promising nuclear Armegeddon, throw in a folksy, 'You betcha!'"
6. "Remind people you come from Pyongyang just like Kim Jong-Lincoln"
5. "Korean food again?"
4. "Maybe we should hire a new chairman and move Kim to 10pm"
3. "Get a load of that bodacious booty!" (Sorry, that was overheard at Kim Kardashian's house)
2. "With 0% of the precincts reporting, you've won in a landslide"
1. "Hillary's running against me?"
David Letterman
The economy is bad. I didn’t think it would last this long. I thought a week, tops.
Here's how bad it is: Now when you go to the airport and you have to put all your change in that pan to pass through the metal detectors? They’re not giving it back.
A family in Brooklyn found a boa constrictor in their couch. They were beginning to get suspicious because they were the only apartment in New York that didn’t have rats.
A boa constrictor is a snake that squeezes the life out of you . . . no, wait a minute — that's a mortgage company.
Conan O'Brien
This is the 16th season of "Late Night with Conan O’Brien." That's five more than "MASH," five more than "Cheers," and 10 more than anybody wanted.
All week, I've been receiving a lot of calls from other TV hosts. Jay Leno called to wish me good luck, and Larry King called to ask me what time he’s supposed to take his pills.
Craig Ferguson
A new study says that in America rich people are ruder than poor people. I didn't think anyone hadn't figured that out.
But I don't think there are any rich people left.
Rich people are rude because of what's happening in Switzerland. One of the largest Swiss banks is revealing their secret client list to the IRS, according to The New York Times. The Times wrote about it so it must be partially true.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama made his first trip abroad today. He went to Canada. I guess it’s tradition for new presidents to go there first. It was a brief trip. He got off the plane, greeted, then turned around and got right back on. Who could blame him?
Bad news for the octuplet mom, Nadya Suleman. The house where she lives with her mom is in foreclosure. If she loses the house, Nadya will be forced to get pregnant again so she can live in the hospital for another three months.
It might be time to sell one of those kids to Jennifer Aniston . . . or one of her friends.
Jay Leno
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was in Japan this week. There was an awkward moment when at one point she saw some sumo wrestlers and she said to the prime minister, "Oh, you have interns here too."
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with the Pope this week, and after the meeting, she asked for the Pope's blessing. Another embarrassing moment . . . when he asked her to close her eyes, she said, "I can't . . ." Botox and all . . .
California finally passed a budget. The impasse was finally overcome when Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger threatened to make a sequel to "Kindergarten Cop."
Now Californians can go back to doing what they do best — buying homes they can't afford and letting murderers go free
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard at Kim Jong Il's Campaign Headquarters
10. "How do we improve perfection?"
9. "Maybe it would help your likability if you stopped killing people"
8. "Remind voters there have been no Godzilla attacks on my watch"
7. "After promising nuclear Armegeddon, throw in a folksy, 'You betcha!'"
6. "Remind people you come from Pyongyang just like Kim Jong-Lincoln"
5. "Korean food again?"
4. "Maybe we should hire a new chairman and move Kim to 10pm"
3. "Get a load of that bodacious booty!" (Sorry, that was overheard at Kim Kardashian's house)
2. "With 0% of the precincts reporting, you've won in a landslide"
1. "Hillary's running against me?"
David Letterman
The economy is bad. I didn’t think it would last this long. I thought a week, tops.
Here's how bad it is: Now when you go to the airport and you have to put all your change in that pan to pass through the metal detectors? They’re not giving it back.
A family in Brooklyn found a boa constrictor in their couch. They were beginning to get suspicious because they were the only apartment in New York that didn’t have rats.
A boa constrictor is a snake that squeezes the life out of you . . . no, wait a minute — that's a mortgage company.
Conan O'Brien
This is the 16th season of "Late Night with Conan O’Brien." That's five more than "MASH," five more than "Cheers," and 10 more than anybody wanted.
All week, I've been receiving a lot of calls from other TV hosts. Jay Leno called to wish me good luck, and Larry King called to ask me what time he’s supposed to take his pills.
Craig Ferguson
A new study says that in America rich people are ruder than poor people. I didn't think anyone hadn't figured that out.
But I don't think there are any rich people left.
Rich people are rude because of what's happening in Switzerland. One of the largest Swiss banks is revealing their secret client list to the IRS, according to The New York Times. The Times wrote about it so it must be partially true.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama made his first trip abroad today. He went to Canada. I guess it’s tradition for new presidents to go there first. It was a brief trip. He got off the plane, greeted, then turned around and got right back on. Who could blame him?
Bad news for the octuplet mom, Nadya Suleman. The house where she lives with her mom is in foreclosure. If she loses the house, Nadya will be forced to get pregnant again so she can live in the hospital for another three months.
It might be time to sell one of those kids to Jennifer Aniston . . . or one of her friends.
