Thursday, February 12, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Prosecutors have asked a federal judge to send former Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry to jail for failing to file tax returns for eighth time in nine years. He hasn’t paid taxes for eight years straight. So it’s either jail or a Cabinet position in the Obama administration. Take your pick.
Walmart announced this week they're laying off 800 people at their headquarters. And of course there’s a ripple effect here — for every Walmart employee that's laid off, 200 kids in China lose their jobs.
Happy birthday Gov. Sarah Palin — 45years old today. I thought this was nice. She got a lovely card with $5 in it from John McCain.
Afterwards, I guess she did some shots. Two moose and a caribou.
David Letterman
The winning dog at the Westminster Dog Show in New York was the oldest dog ever to win — 70 years old in dog years. Here’s the good news: He’s now dating bitches half his age.
On this date in 2006, Vice President Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Why isn’t he in jail again? I forgot.
Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska — today is her birthday. I’m not saying how old she is, but from her house, she can see 50.
She’s actually 45. She’s the first vice presidential candidate I have pictured naked . . . well, since Lloyd Bentsen.
Conan O'Brien
Valentine’s Day is this weekend, and White Castle is offering candlelight dinners to its customers. It’s perfect for the guy who has trouble saying, “I hate you.”
Michael Phelps says that after his marijuana controversy, he tried to call his sponsor, Kellogg’s, but they wouldn’t return his calls. Then Phelps realized that he’d been calling them on a banana.
Earlier today, Brett Favre announced that he is walking away from professional football. In other words, Favre will be back with the Jets next year.
When Yankee Slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted he used steroids, he said, “I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day.” And that was just with Madonna.
Craig Ferguson
Jennifer Aniston is 40 years old today. It’s also Burt Reynolds’ birthday. Both very different, of course, one’s a grizzled Hollywood veteran who’s got a sexy mustache, the other one’s Burt Reynolds.
In Egypt, they discovered a tomb packed with mummies. Not one — it was packed. In the future when they dig up Los Angeles, all they will find is thousands of silicone implants.
They’ll say that people of ancient times all came with airbags.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The president has been busy selling his stimulus plan. He was in Florida at a town hall event taking questions. One guy who was a working student, asked if Obama had any plans for extending benefits at McDonalds . . . Security!
Somebody had too many McFlurrys for breakfast.
You gotta hand it to the president; he stayed with the topic and actually had follow-up questions: “You say you are in school . . . what are you studying?” The guy answered, “Communications.” Obama then said, “You sound like you’ve got good communication skills.” Isn’t that cute? Obama’s first public lie.
Jay Leno
Prosecutors have asked a federal judge to send former Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry to jail for failing to file tax returns for eighth time in nine years. He hasn’t paid taxes for eight years straight. So it’s either jail or a Cabinet position in the Obama administration. Take your pick.
Walmart announced this week they're laying off 800 people at their headquarters. And of course there’s a ripple effect here — for every Walmart employee that's laid off, 200 kids in China lose their jobs.
Happy birthday Gov. Sarah Palin — 45years old today. I thought this was nice. She got a lovely card with $5 in it from John McCain.
Afterwards, I guess she did some shots. Two moose and a caribou.
David Letterman
The winning dog at the Westminster Dog Show in New York was the oldest dog ever to win — 70 years old in dog years. Here’s the good news: He’s now dating bitches half his age.
On this date in 2006, Vice President Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Why isn’t he in jail again? I forgot.
Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska — today is her birthday. I’m not saying how old she is, but from her house, she can see 50.
She’s actually 45. She’s the first vice presidential candidate I have pictured naked . . . well, since Lloyd Bentsen.
Conan O'Brien
Valentine’s Day is this weekend, and White Castle is offering candlelight dinners to its customers. It’s perfect for the guy who has trouble saying, “I hate you.”
Michael Phelps says that after his marijuana controversy, he tried to call his sponsor, Kellogg’s, but they wouldn’t return his calls. Then Phelps realized that he’d been calling them on a banana.
Earlier today, Brett Favre announced that he is walking away from professional football. In other words, Favre will be back with the Jets next year.
When Yankee Slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted he used steroids, he said, “I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day.” And that was just with Madonna.
Craig Ferguson
Jennifer Aniston is 40 years old today. It’s also Burt Reynolds’ birthday. Both very different, of course, one’s a grizzled Hollywood veteran who’s got a sexy mustache, the other one’s Burt Reynolds.
In Egypt, they discovered a tomb packed with mummies. Not one — it was packed. In the future when they dig up Los Angeles, all they will find is thousands of silicone implants.
They’ll say that people of ancient times all came with airbags.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The president has been busy selling his stimulus plan. He was in Florida at a town hall event taking questions. One guy who was a working student, asked if Obama had any plans for extending benefits at McDonalds . . . Security!
Somebody had too many McFlurrys for breakfast.
You gotta hand it to the president; he stayed with the topic and actually had follow-up questions: “You say you are in school . . . what are you studying?” The guy answered, “Communications.” Obama then said, “You sound like you’ve got good communication skills.” Isn’t that cute? Obama’s first public lie.
