Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Last night Barack Obama held a press conference. His press conferences are different form George Bush’s in many ways: There were verbs, there were syllables, there were complete sentences . . .
I miss the Bush news conferences. Like when he was asked a question, he would say, “Can I have a hint?”
In Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for the Senate, said, “God wants me to serve.” Here’s my question: How bad of a candidate are you when you can’t win despite having the creator of the universe on your side?
Even God is saying, “Look Norm, I created heaven and earth — you’re not giving me much to work with here.”
David Letterman
The economy stinks. It’s so bad, today as I was walking through Central Park, I saw a pigeon feeding an old lady.
Westminster Dog Show happening in New York right now. Today, Bernie Madoff swindled a poodle out of its rhinestone collar.
Obama says he still believes in bipartisanship and pledges to work with Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, when President Obama was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally
bumped his head on the door. When he heard about it, President Bush said, “See!? It’s complicated, right!?”
Today Barack Obama went to Florida and gave a speech on the economy. Obama’s speech was interrupted five times by applause and six times by old people whispering, “Is he Cuban?”
Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to using steroids — he said he used steroids due to the pressure of his $250 million contract. Which makes you wonder what kind of steroids Oprah is on.
The other day in Indiana, a woman burst into tears while she was robbing a Long John Silver’s and told the cashier, “If I weren’t down and out, I wouldn’t be doing this.” Then the cashier told her, “That’s what all our customers say.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Senate passed the stimulus bill — $838 billion. So everything’s fine; we’re rich again.
That’s just under $3,000 for each person in America. Here’s how it’s going to work: On March 30, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama stimulus coins. You can use them to trade with friends or use them in a machine to buy stimulus nutrition bars.
Obama says it’s going to take a lot of time to convince Republicans of his bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle is how do you convince Republicans that bipartisanship doesn’t mean you have to sleep with other dudes?
Jay Leno
Last night Barack Obama held a press conference. His press conferences are different form George Bush’s in many ways: There were verbs, there were syllables, there were complete sentences . . .
I miss the Bush news conferences. Like when he was asked a question, he would say, “Can I have a hint?”
In Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for the Senate, said, “God wants me to serve.” Here’s my question: How bad of a candidate are you when you can’t win despite having the creator of the universe on your side?
Even God is saying, “Look Norm, I created heaven and earth — you’re not giving me much to work with here.”
David Letterman
The economy stinks. It’s so bad, today as I was walking through Central Park, I saw a pigeon feeding an old lady.
Westminster Dog Show happening in New York right now. Today, Bernie Madoff swindled a poodle out of its rhinestone collar.
Obama says he still believes in bipartisanship and pledges to work with Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, when President Obama was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally
bumped his head on the door. When he heard about it, President Bush said, “See!? It’s complicated, right!?”
Today Barack Obama went to Florida and gave a speech on the economy. Obama’s speech was interrupted five times by applause and six times by old people whispering, “Is he Cuban?”
Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to using steroids — he said he used steroids due to the pressure of his $250 million contract. Which makes you wonder what kind of steroids Oprah is on.
The other day in Indiana, a woman burst into tears while she was robbing a Long John Silver’s and told the cashier, “If I weren’t down and out, I wouldn’t be doing this.” Then the cashier told her, “That’s what all our customers say.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Senate passed the stimulus bill — $838 billion. So everything’s fine; we’re rich again.
That’s just under $3,000 for each person in America. Here’s how it’s going to work: On March 30, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama stimulus coins. You can use them to trade with friends or use them in a machine to buy stimulus nutrition bars.
Obama says it’s going to take a lot of time to convince Republicans of his bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle is how do you convince Republicans that bipartisanship doesn’t mean you have to sleep with other dudes?
