Friday, February 13, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s Thursday . . . you know what that means — another Obama Cabinet nominee has quit.
Just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg withdrew as the nominee for commerce secretary. In a statement explaining why he turned it down, he cited “irresolvable conflicts.” So apparently he must have paid his taxes. He just wouldn’t fit in.
This week, Michigan Congressman John Dingell set an all-time record as the longest serving member ever of the U.S. House of Representatives. He’s been there 19,421 days. That’s the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place if you don’t count federal prison.
The economy is in bad shape. So bad, I saw a Walmart executive shopping at Walmart.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Jonas Brothers
10. Nick: Our new 3-D concert film puts you right in the middle of a six-hour tour bus ride from Pittsburgh to Albany
9. Joe: Often we are astonished by how adorable we are
8. Kevin: Sometimes we lather, rinse, repeat and then repeat again!
7. Nick: Last Sunday night, I won a Grammy for “Best New Jonas”
6. Joe: Osama said he’d come out of hiding if we’d meet his 15-year-old niece
5. Kevin: One time when we were on the road, things got really crazy and we stayed up until 10:30
4. Nick: We’ve seen “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” 27 times
3. Joe: Once a week we get mail for Dr. Joyce Brothers
2. Kevin: We have no idea who that old dude behind the desk is
1. Nick, Joe, Kevin: A couple years back, Angelina Jolie tried to adopt us
David Letterman
Windy outside today. So windy, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s hair actually moved.
Bernie Madoff’s wife, two days before he was busted, withdrew $15 million. Either something was going on or she is shrewd. Maybe we should get rid of that Geithner guy as Treasury secretary and replace him with her.
She now has enough money to be swindled by her husband.
Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln — 200 years old today. To mark the occasion, former Vice President Dick Cheney went into a theater and shot a guy.
Conan O'Brien
A new survey reported that 40 percent of people think it’s a good idea to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. The other 60 percent were men.
Sen. John McCain sent out an e-mail announcing he will seek re-election in 2010. That’s incredible — John McCain knows how to use e-mail.
Dunkin’ Donuts has started selling a waffle, bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. They say they wanted to offer customers a choice. The choice is to die in five minutes or die right now. Your heart explodes instantly after eating.
Craig Ferguson
Another Obama Cabinet pick has withdrawn his name from contention. Obama’s nominees are dropping faster than babies out of that octuplet mother.
People are saying that the octuplet mother is imitating Angelina Jolie. Where? I don’t see it! Angelina Jolie takes kids out of poverty. She doesn’t put them into it!
Another season of “Survivor.” This year’s contestants: banks.
Only one will survive.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln. He would have been 200 years old today. I might be naïve, but I like to think that somewhere up in heaven, he is proud that this country named a town car after him.
“American Idol” judges have narrowed down the field to 36. “American Idol” isn’t doing as well in the ratings this season. But if you compare the ratings to how boring the show is, it’s doing amazing.
They had to eliminate one of the contestants because of a relationship to someone who works with the show, so they had to bring back a contestant they previously let go. So, good luck to William Hung.
Jay Leno
It’s Thursday . . . you know what that means — another Obama Cabinet nominee has quit.
Just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg withdrew as the nominee for commerce secretary. In a statement explaining why he turned it down, he cited “irresolvable conflicts.” So apparently he must have paid his taxes. He just wouldn’t fit in.
This week, Michigan Congressman John Dingell set an all-time record as the longest serving member ever of the U.S. House of Representatives. He’s been there 19,421 days. That’s the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place if you don’t count federal prison.
The economy is in bad shape. So bad, I saw a Walmart executive shopping at Walmart.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Jonas Brothers
10. Nick: Our new 3-D concert film puts you right in the middle of a six-hour tour bus ride from Pittsburgh to Albany
9. Joe: Often we are astonished by how adorable we are
8. Kevin: Sometimes we lather, rinse, repeat and then repeat again!
7. Nick: Last Sunday night, I won a Grammy for “Best New Jonas”
6. Joe: Osama said he’d come out of hiding if we’d meet his 15-year-old niece
5. Kevin: One time when we were on the road, things got really crazy and we stayed up until 10:30
4. Nick: We’ve seen “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” 27 times
3. Joe: Once a week we get mail for Dr. Joyce Brothers
2. Kevin: We have no idea who that old dude behind the desk is
1. Nick, Joe, Kevin: A couple years back, Angelina Jolie tried to adopt us
David Letterman
Windy outside today. So windy, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s hair actually moved.
Bernie Madoff’s wife, two days before he was busted, withdrew $15 million. Either something was going on or she is shrewd. Maybe we should get rid of that Geithner guy as Treasury secretary and replace him with her.
She now has enough money to be swindled by her husband.
Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln — 200 years old today. To mark the occasion, former Vice President Dick Cheney went into a theater and shot a guy.
Conan O'Brien
A new survey reported that 40 percent of people think it’s a good idea to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. The other 60 percent were men.
Sen. John McCain sent out an e-mail announcing he will seek re-election in 2010. That’s incredible — John McCain knows how to use e-mail.
Dunkin’ Donuts has started selling a waffle, bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. They say they wanted to offer customers a choice. The choice is to die in five minutes or die right now. Your heart explodes instantly after eating.
Craig Ferguson
Another Obama Cabinet pick has withdrawn his name from contention. Obama’s nominees are dropping faster than babies out of that octuplet mother.
People are saying that the octuplet mother is imitating Angelina Jolie. Where? I don’t see it! Angelina Jolie takes kids out of poverty. She doesn’t put them into it!
Another season of “Survivor.” This year’s contestants: banks.
Only one will survive.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln. He would have been 200 years old today. I might be naïve, but I like to think that somewhere up in heaven, he is proud that this country named a town car after him.
“American Idol” judges have narrowed down the field to 36. “American Idol” isn’t doing as well in the ratings this season. But if you compare the ratings to how boring the show is, it’s doing amazing.
They had to eliminate one of the contestants because of a relationship to someone who works with the show, so they had to bring back a contestant they previously let go. So, good luck to William Hung.
