Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Happy Presidents Day. As you know, the banks were all closed today. I understand that a few are expected to reopen tomorrow.
Presidents Day is the day we honor Presidents Washington and Lincoln. And of course Saturday was Valentine’s Day, the day we celebrate President Clinton.
In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President George W. Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course Bush was thrilled; that’s better than he did in high school.
Sen. Judd Greg, who wanted to be in Obama’s Cabinet as commerce secretary but changed his mind, said that after withdrawing his name he hoped he was just embarrassing himself and not President Obama. To which Joe Biden said, “Don’t worry about it — I do it all the time.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today
10. "Sup?"
9. "I see Madonna's still a slut"
8. "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"
7. "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"
6. "I just changed my Facebook status update to 'The 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"
5. "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"
4. "OK, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"
3. "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"
2. "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"
1. "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks . . . I'm good"
David Letterman
It’s Barbie’s 50th anniversary. She was featured at Fashion Week in New York. They had Preppy Barbie; they had Wedding Barbie; they had Republican Running-Mate Barbie . . .
Happy Presidents Day. The stock market is closed for Presidents Day. The good news is, it was the first time I didn’t lose any money since it was closed for Columbus Day.
Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, is visiting Asia, including a stop in China. She’s trying to do something about those leaky take-out food cartons.
Hillary is in Asia . . . Bill is in heaven.
Conan O'Brien
A new poll has come out that names George W. Bush one of the 10 worst presidents of all time. On the bright side, Bush was named second best president named George Bush.
Martha Stewart celebrated Presidents Day by having Bill Clinton on her show. Meanwhile, on “The View,” Barbara Walters marked the holiday by telling about her passionate night with Rutherford B. Hayes.
Yesterday, one of Obama’s top advisers said that choosing Cabinet members is not like picking American Idol. Yeah, mainly because “American Idol” contestants have paid their taxes.
Craig Ferguson
Happy Presidents Day! A solemn day in America, where we celebrate presidents past by getting a great deal on mattresses and big screen TVs.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has issued a stern warning to Kim Jong Il: “Stop wearing my pantsuits.”
It’s International Flirting Week. I guess we’re supposed to know how to flirt. Like if a woman scratches her head, she’s flirting . . . or she has fleas.
Jay Leno
Happy Presidents Day. As you know, the banks were all closed today. I understand that a few are expected to reopen tomorrow.
Presidents Day is the day we honor Presidents Washington and Lincoln. And of course Saturday was Valentine’s Day, the day we celebrate President Clinton.
In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President George W. Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course Bush was thrilled; that’s better than he did in high school.
Sen. Judd Greg, who wanted to be in Obama’s Cabinet as commerce secretary but changed his mind, said that after withdrawing his name he hoped he was just embarrassing himself and not President Obama. To which Joe Biden said, “Don’t worry about it — I do it all the time.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today
10. "Sup?"
9. "I see Madonna's still a slut"
8. "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"
7. "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"
6. "I just changed my Facebook status update to 'The 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"
5. "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"
4. "OK, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"
3. "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"
2. "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"
1. "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks . . . I'm good"
David Letterman
It’s Barbie’s 50th anniversary. She was featured at Fashion Week in New York. They had Preppy Barbie; they had Wedding Barbie; they had Republican Running-Mate Barbie . . .
Happy Presidents Day. The stock market is closed for Presidents Day. The good news is, it was the first time I didn’t lose any money since it was closed for Columbus Day.
Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, is visiting Asia, including a stop in China. She’s trying to do something about those leaky take-out food cartons.
Hillary is in Asia . . . Bill is in heaven.
Conan O'Brien
A new poll has come out that names George W. Bush one of the 10 worst presidents of all time. On the bright side, Bush was named second best president named George Bush.
Martha Stewart celebrated Presidents Day by having Bill Clinton on her show. Meanwhile, on “The View,” Barbara Walters marked the holiday by telling about her passionate night with Rutherford B. Hayes.
Yesterday, one of Obama’s top advisers said that choosing Cabinet members is not like picking American Idol. Yeah, mainly because “American Idol” contestants have paid their taxes.
Craig Ferguson
Happy Presidents Day! A solemn day in America, where we celebrate presidents past by getting a great deal on mattresses and big screen TVs.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has issued a stern warning to Kim Jong Il: “Stop wearing my pantsuits.”
It’s International Flirting Week. I guess we’re supposed to know how to flirt. Like if a woman scratches her head, she’s flirting . . . or she has fleas.
