Thursday, February 19, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
California is in the hole for $42 billion, so a budget has been proposed. I’m no financial expert, but when you have no money, and no prospects of making money, and you owe $42 billion, you’re way beyond putting yourself on a budget.
I think you’re looking at faking your own death.
People say the problem with the budget is that they don’t understand what’s in it. Well of course they don’t. Look who’s explaining it to them — Arnold Schwarzenegger!
President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colo. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high. It’s symbolic.
David Letterman
I spoke to a friend who runs the U.S. Department of Global Warming and Climate Change . . . he says New York will be under water in two years. Two years! So much for long-term parking.
But I like to look on the bright side: City under water? Well, more room to land airplanes.
Terrible economy. Terrible. If you have any money left, do what I do: Invest in foreclosure signs.
Even Donald Trump has said he would like to reduce his debt. I say, How about reducing the size of that thing on your head?
Conan O'Brien
Only two more shows left until we move to our new slot. It’s going to be tough to leave New York City. I’ll miss my favorite restaurant . . . then I found out the Olive Garden is a national chain.
We’re going to L.A. I’ll miss New York, but both New York and California have their downsides. California has earthquakes, mudslides, and brush fires; New York has the Knicks, the Mets and the Jets.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg has presented us with a key to the city . . . at least that’s what I thought it was a key to . . . yeah . . . then I found out it was a key to the Port Authority bus terminal men’s room.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama was in Arizona speaking about the housing crisis. Arizona seems like a strange place to be speaking about the crisis because most of the homes there are owned by John McCain.
Obama has addressed two of the three problems he said he would to avert a financial crisis . . . the first was to get the stimulus package passed, the second was the housing crisis, and the third is to get all of us to eat our pets.
Things are bad in California. Gov. Schwarzenegger has done everything he can to get fellow Republicans to back his plan because it involves a tax increase. He told them he’d be back; he’s said, “Hasta la vista, baby”; he even threatened to terminate them.
Jay Leno
California is in the hole for $42 billion, so a budget has been proposed. I’m no financial expert, but when you have no money, and no prospects of making money, and you owe $42 billion, you’re way beyond putting yourself on a budget.
I think you’re looking at faking your own death.
People say the problem with the budget is that they don’t understand what’s in it. Well of course they don’t. Look who’s explaining it to them — Arnold Schwarzenegger!
President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colo. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high. It’s symbolic.
David Letterman
I spoke to a friend who runs the U.S. Department of Global Warming and Climate Change . . . he says New York will be under water in two years. Two years! So much for long-term parking.
But I like to look on the bright side: City under water? Well, more room to land airplanes.
Terrible economy. Terrible. If you have any money left, do what I do: Invest in foreclosure signs.
Even Donald Trump has said he would like to reduce his debt. I say, How about reducing the size of that thing on your head?
Conan O'Brien
Only two more shows left until we move to our new slot. It’s going to be tough to leave New York City. I’ll miss my favorite restaurant . . . then I found out the Olive Garden is a national chain.
We’re going to L.A. I’ll miss New York, but both New York and California have their downsides. California has earthquakes, mudslides, and brush fires; New York has the Knicks, the Mets and the Jets.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg has presented us with a key to the city . . . at least that’s what I thought it was a key to . . . yeah . . . then I found out it was a key to the Port Authority bus terminal men’s room.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama was in Arizona speaking about the housing crisis. Arizona seems like a strange place to be speaking about the crisis because most of the homes there are owned by John McCain.
Obama has addressed two of the three problems he said he would to avert a financial crisis . . . the first was to get the stimulus package passed, the second was the housing crisis, and the third is to get all of us to eat our pets.
Things are bad in California. Gov. Schwarzenegger has done everything he can to get fellow Republicans to back his plan because it involves a tax increase. He told them he’d be back; he’s said, “Hasta la vista, baby”; he even threatened to terminate them.
