Saturday, February 21, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
The Academy Awards are Sunday. This is a special time for Hollywood — celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama to worship themselves.
They’re scaling back this year, due to the economy. To give you an idea of just how they are scaling back, Joan Rivers is being assembled in Mexico.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in China. She met with a group of children today. She told them, “You kids are doing a great job making those pantsuits.”
The new chairman of the Republican Party, Michael Steele, says that he wants to bring a greater Republican presence to the urban setting. There’s already a Republican presence in the urban setting — it’s called the landlord.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Film Is Not Going To Win An Academy Award
10. It stars Brad Pitt . . . but not the famous one
9. To save money on sound effects, gunfights have actors running around yelling, "Kapow!"
8. World premiere was on a Greyhound bus from Reno to Topeka
7. It's titled "The Curious Case of Benjamin Bernanke"
6. It's got any of the following words in the title: "Paul," "Blart," "mall," or "cop"
5. Half of $70 million budget was spent on craft service meatballs
4. No one wants to see your all-raccoon remake of "The Wizard of Oz"
3. It's rated "P" for "Piece of crap"
2. Only person who made a profit from your film is Bernie Madoff
1. It's two hours of Christian Bale swearing at the crew
David Letterman
Everybody’s going bankrupt. The latest? Muzak. So the next time you’re in a crowded elevator, try to organize a sing-along.
Academy Awards on Sunday. You know who won’t watch them? John McCain. He doesn’t like the talkies.
It takes a lot of nerve for a four-and-a half hour TV show to give out an award for editing.
The show seems like it lasts forever. This year’s nominated songs will be put together in a medley. It’s part of President Obama’s pledge to end torture.
Craig Ferguson
Arnold Schwarzenegger is taking time off as the governor of California to shoot a new movie. The movie’s about a terrible disaster — it’s called, “Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Governor of California.”
It’s the countdown to the Oscars. In less than 48 hours the Motion Picture Academy will bestow its highest honor on a movie that you’ve never seen.
My money is on “Frost/Nixon.” Because it’s the only one I’ve seen.
I think “WALL-E” should have gotten a Best Picture nomination. It’s an amazing story about a robotic creature dealing with over-polluted air. It’s based on the life of Al Gore.
Jay Leno
The Academy Awards are Sunday. This is a special time for Hollywood — celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama to worship themselves.
They’re scaling back this year, due to the economy. To give you an idea of just how they are scaling back, Joan Rivers is being assembled in Mexico.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in China. She met with a group of children today. She told them, “You kids are doing a great job making those pantsuits.”
The new chairman of the Republican Party, Michael Steele, says that he wants to bring a greater Republican presence to the urban setting. There’s already a Republican presence in the urban setting — it’s called the landlord.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Film Is Not Going To Win An Academy Award
10. It stars Brad Pitt . . . but not the famous one
9. To save money on sound effects, gunfights have actors running around yelling, "Kapow!"
8. World premiere was on a Greyhound bus from Reno to Topeka
7. It's titled "The Curious Case of Benjamin Bernanke"
6. It's got any of the following words in the title: "Paul," "Blart," "mall," or "cop"
5. Half of $70 million budget was spent on craft service meatballs
4. No one wants to see your all-raccoon remake of "The Wizard of Oz"
3. It's rated "P" for "Piece of crap"
2. Only person who made a profit from your film is Bernie Madoff
1. It's two hours of Christian Bale swearing at the crew
David Letterman
Everybody’s going bankrupt. The latest? Muzak. So the next time you’re in a crowded elevator, try to organize a sing-along.
Academy Awards on Sunday. You know who won’t watch them? John McCain. He doesn’t like the talkies.
It takes a lot of nerve for a four-and-a half hour TV show to give out an award for editing.
The show seems like it lasts forever. This year’s nominated songs will be put together in a medley. It’s part of President Obama’s pledge to end torture.
Craig Ferguson
Arnold Schwarzenegger is taking time off as the governor of California to shoot a new movie. The movie’s about a terrible disaster — it’s called, “Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Governor of California.”
It’s the countdown to the Oscars. In less than 48 hours the Motion Picture Academy will bestow its highest honor on a movie that you’ve never seen.
My money is on “Frost/Nixon.” Because it’s the only one I’ve seen.
I think “WALL-E” should have gotten a Best Picture nomination. It’s an amazing story about a robotic creature dealing with over-polluted air. It’s based on the life of Al Gore.
