Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Rough weather in a lot of the country. Ice storms in the Northeast, cold snap in the Midwest. In fact, it was so cold in Chicago, Gov. Blagojevich actually had his hand in his own pockets.
The weather was so bad in Washington, people were throwing snow shoes at President Bush.
A big surprise in the Sunday morning news — Sen. John McCain says he may not support Sarah Palin if she’s around in 2012. Of course the bigger question is, Will McCain be around in 2012?
In New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it’s the one thing that can really ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Craziest Things People Say About Tom Cruise On The Internet
10. I sleep upside down suspended in a special bat-like harness
9. During the filming of "Days Of Thunder," on a dare, I ate a tire
8. I still wear those underpants from "Risky Business"
7. My real name is Tom Blagojevich
6. I once Heimliched a koala
5. Once a month, I take the Universal Studio tour naked
4. I believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks VapoRub
3. I'm a power-mad egomaniac who's completely insulated from reality. Oh, wait, no that's Letterman
2. After jumping on her couch, Oprah hammer-locked me till I coughed blood
1. I keep a cell phone in my pants so I can tell friends, "Call my ass"
David Letterman
The holidays are just wonderful. Here’s what I thought was sad, though: the line for the mall Santa? Out the door and around the block. The mall rabbi? Nothing.
The economy is killing me. I just got a new American Express card, and as I’m about to sign it, I see a line that says, “Good through Thursday.”
They’re finding out a lot about the guy who threw the shoes at President Bush. He’s reported to be a hothead with poor journalistic skills. No surprise — today he was offered his own show on Fox News.
Bush says he’s actually happy about the incident. He says it just proves Iraq has footwear of mass destruction.
Conan O'Brien
Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected.
Some people are criticizing the Secret Service because the shoe-thrower caught them offguard, and the man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, “Sorry, but we were laughing our a***s off."
Yesterday, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News and he reflected on his eight years in office. Then he turned into a bat and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Earlier today, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that his state needs to reduce toxic substances. Of course when Arnold said it, it sounded like, “Ragu taco submarines.”
Craig Ferguson
A new study says that old people store bad memories differently than everyone else. In a related story, John McCain just announced he’s running for president.
Another report says that the economic downturn is even affecting prostitution. If things get any worse, men may be forced to have sex with their wives.
That prostitution joke actually was from the Great Depression in the 1930s. That was the joke that got America back on its feet.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Over 300,000 people lost power in the Northeast after ice storms knocked the power out. Hard times here in California too — it almost dipped under 60 degrees today.
The guy next door? He went out to walk his dog and had to come back for a windbreaker.
On his last stop of his last tour of Iraq, President Bush had to dodge some shoes. I was amazed at how nimble he was. I know he’s got a lot of dodging experience from the Vietnam War, but this was pretty slick.
The guy who threw the shoes is now a hero in Iraq. They say he’s shown the world that Iraqis have no masters, but I think what he really has shown the world is that Iraqis have no aim.
Jay Leno
Rough weather in a lot of the country. Ice storms in the Northeast, cold snap in the Midwest. In fact, it was so cold in Chicago, Gov. Blagojevich actually had his hand in his own pockets.
The weather was so bad in Washington, people were throwing snow shoes at President Bush.
A big surprise in the Sunday morning news — Sen. John McCain says he may not support Sarah Palin if she’s around in 2012. Of course the bigger question is, Will McCain be around in 2012?
In New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it’s the one thing that can really ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Craziest Things People Say About Tom Cruise On The Internet
10. I sleep upside down suspended in a special bat-like harness
9. During the filming of "Days Of Thunder," on a dare, I ate a tire
8. I still wear those underpants from "Risky Business"
7. My real name is Tom Blagojevich
6. I once Heimliched a koala
5. Once a month, I take the Universal Studio tour naked
4. I believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks VapoRub
3. I'm a power-mad egomaniac who's completely insulated from reality. Oh, wait, no that's Letterman
2. After jumping on her couch, Oprah hammer-locked me till I coughed blood
1. I keep a cell phone in my pants so I can tell friends, "Call my ass"
David Letterman
The holidays are just wonderful. Here’s what I thought was sad, though: the line for the mall Santa? Out the door and around the block. The mall rabbi? Nothing.
The economy is killing me. I just got a new American Express card, and as I’m about to sign it, I see a line that says, “Good through Thursday.”
They’re finding out a lot about the guy who threw the shoes at President Bush. He’s reported to be a hothead with poor journalistic skills. No surprise — today he was offered his own show on Fox News.
Bush says he’s actually happy about the incident. He says it just proves Iraq has footwear of mass destruction.
Conan O'Brien
Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected.
Some people are criticizing the Secret Service because the shoe-thrower caught them offguard, and the man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, “Sorry, but we were laughing our a***s off."
Yesterday, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News and he reflected on his eight years in office. Then he turned into a bat and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Earlier today, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that his state needs to reduce toxic substances. Of course when Arnold said it, it sounded like, “Ragu taco submarines.”
Craig Ferguson
A new study says that old people store bad memories differently than everyone else. In a related story, John McCain just announced he’s running for president.
Another report says that the economic downturn is even affecting prostitution. If things get any worse, men may be forced to have sex with their wives.
That prostitution joke actually was from the Great Depression in the 1930s. That was the joke that got America back on its feet.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Over 300,000 people lost power in the Northeast after ice storms knocked the power out. Hard times here in California too — it almost dipped under 60 degrees today.
The guy next door? He went out to walk his dog and had to come back for a windbreaker.
On his last stop of his last tour of Iraq, President Bush had to dodge some shoes. I was amazed at how nimble he was. I know he’s got a lot of dodging experience from the Vietnam War, but this was pretty slick.
The guy who threw the shoes is now a hero in Iraq. They say he’s shown the world that Iraqis have no masters, but I think what he really has shown the world is that Iraqis have no aim.
