Thursday, December 18, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukhah party. Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days — ExxonMobil’s worst nightmare.
President Bush announced that before he leaves office he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. Any place where people can’t afford to buy shoes.
That Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at Bush says he planned the attack for months. Months? Yet he still missed both times?
Barack Obama has named another Cabinet member: former Gov. Tom Vilsack as his Agriculture secretary. Vilsack. That sounds like a condition you should see your neurologist about.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Jim Carrey Will Always Say Yes To Presented By Jim Carrey
10. Dressing up like an Iraqi and throwing a shoe at President Bush
9. Watching YouTube video of guys getting hit in the nuts
8. A fan asking for a hug — unless it's a dude
7. Fresh ground pepper
6. David Letterman's drunken requests to see me taking a bath
5. People who ask me to say, "all-righty then!" That never gets old
4. Sex with a big, fat roadside waitress
3. Lucrative endorsement deals: Remember, you're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully clean
2. The question, "Aren't you Jim Carrey, the funniest, sexiest, most talented man in all of Hollywood?"
1. Tub time with Larry King
David Letterman
Last night’s studio audience was terrible. I call them the Federal Reserve audience — their interest rate was zero.
Anthropologists have found a well-preserved brain, dating from the Middle Ages. Here’s the thrust — they found it in the head of Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney recently said that we made the right decision to go to war in Iraq . . . well, that’s good enough for me.
A guy threw his shoes at President Bush while Bush was in Iraq. If you thought that was the end of it, you’re wrong. Iran has announced plans to develop a long-range loafer.
Conan O'Brien
Last night a snow storm hit Chicago, but Celine Dion refused to cancel her concert. Good for her. People in Chicago said the snow storm was the second-worst thing that came down from Canada that night.
It’s being reported that the Iraqi reporter who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. Even worse — it was his shoe-throwing arm.
President Bush said in an interview that he has a collection of over 250 autographed baseballs. Unfortunately, the question he was asked was, “Do you have an exit strategy for Iraq?”
Craig Ferguson
They there’s a recession going on. I think it’s worse than that — I may have to go back to wrestling to make ends meet.
Good news from India — a New Delhi woman gave birth to a baby girl. She was 70 years old. Not the baby, the woman.
This is the oldest woman to have a child since Demi Moore had Ashton.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush appears to be in good spirits after avoiding a double shoeing attempt in Iraq.
Although he is not shaken by the reporter who threw shoes at him, the Secret Service isn’t taking any chances. All members of the White House Press Corps are required to check their shoes at the door for press conferences.
Oprah’s production company, Harpo, has signed a deal to create original programs for HBO. They already have their first project underway: The “Opranos.”
Jay Leno
President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukhah party. Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days — ExxonMobil’s worst nightmare.
President Bush announced that before he leaves office he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. Any place where people can’t afford to buy shoes.
That Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at Bush says he planned the attack for months. Months? Yet he still missed both times?
Barack Obama has named another Cabinet member: former Gov. Tom Vilsack as his Agriculture secretary. Vilsack. That sounds like a condition you should see your neurologist about.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Jim Carrey Will Always Say Yes To Presented By Jim Carrey
10. Dressing up like an Iraqi and throwing a shoe at President Bush
9. Watching YouTube video of guys getting hit in the nuts
8. A fan asking for a hug — unless it's a dude
7. Fresh ground pepper
6. David Letterman's drunken requests to see me taking a bath
5. People who ask me to say, "all-righty then!" That never gets old
4. Sex with a big, fat roadside waitress
3. Lucrative endorsement deals: Remember, you're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully clean
2. The question, "Aren't you Jim Carrey, the funniest, sexiest, most talented man in all of Hollywood?"
1. Tub time with Larry King
David Letterman
Last night’s studio audience was terrible. I call them the Federal Reserve audience — their interest rate was zero.
Anthropologists have found a well-preserved brain, dating from the Middle Ages. Here’s the thrust — they found it in the head of Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney recently said that we made the right decision to go to war in Iraq . . . well, that’s good enough for me.
A guy threw his shoes at President Bush while Bush was in Iraq. If you thought that was the end of it, you’re wrong. Iran has announced plans to develop a long-range loafer.
Conan O'Brien
Last night a snow storm hit Chicago, but Celine Dion refused to cancel her concert. Good for her. People in Chicago said the snow storm was the second-worst thing that came down from Canada that night.
It’s being reported that the Iraqi reporter who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. Even worse — it was his shoe-throwing arm.
President Bush said in an interview that he has a collection of over 250 autographed baseballs. Unfortunately, the question he was asked was, “Do you have an exit strategy for Iraq?”
Craig Ferguson
They there’s a recession going on. I think it’s worse than that — I may have to go back to wrestling to make ends meet.
Good news from India — a New Delhi woman gave birth to a baby girl. She was 70 years old. Not the baby, the woman.
This is the oldest woman to have a child since Demi Moore had Ashton.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush appears to be in good spirits after avoiding a double shoeing attempt in Iraq.
Although he is not shaken by the reporter who threw shoes at him, the Secret Service isn’t taking any chances. All members of the White House Press Corps are required to check their shoes at the door for press conferences.
Oprah’s production company, Harpo, has signed a deal to create original programs for HBO. They already have their first project underway: The “Opranos.”
