Friday, December 19, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s really cold here! Everybody is shivering. It’s like the whole city is in rehab.
It was so cold in Beverly Hills, even people who didn’t have Botox couldn’t move their faces.
It snowed in Malibu. Unbelievable. Roads were closed. In fact, there was so much snow, celebrities couldn’t get to the global warming conference.
And not only here — it was so cold in Chicago, Gov. Blagojevich tried to sell Senate seat warmers.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Least Popular Holiday Songs
10. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me absolutely nothing because of the bad economy
9. Amy, the red-nosed Winehouse, will need a new liver soon
8. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but Al Gore tells me we're all screwed
7. Biden might do all right if his hair plugs stay in tight
6. Dr. Tannenbaum, Dr. Tannenbaum, is Cialis right for me?
5. Deck the halls with illegal payoffs, Bla-Bla-Bla-Bla-Bla Blagojevich
4. Ahmadinejad, Ahmadinejad, Ahmadinejad, you set our hearts aglow like a spent fuel rod
3. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, 1929
2. I have an irregular heart beat, pah-rum-puh-puh-puh-pum
1. Joy to the world, George Bush is done
David Letterman
The holiday spirit is infectious. That guy who threw the shoes at President Bush? Today, he was throwing fruitcakes.
Bernie Madoff, the guy who swindled investors out of $40 billion, was arrested and released on bail . . . sent home to his $7 million Park Avenue penthouse. He’s on house arrest. That sends a clear message.
A lot of people are saying that’s hardly fair, but insiders are saying, “You don’t know his wife.”
While stuck home, he swindled $20 from the Domino’s guy.
Conan O'Brien
This week, President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. There was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles.
Time magazine has selected their Person of the Year and guess what? It’s President-elect Barack Obama. Ironically, Ebony magazine announced that their Person of the Year is Ed Begley Jr.
According to a new survey, the most admired profession is doctor. The least admired profession? Gov. Blagojevich’s barber.
Mexico City has begun working on expanding its subway system. Apparently they’re adding stops in San Diego and Los Angeles.
Craig Ferguson
There was snow in Malibu today! Global warming? Kiss my a** Al Gore!
It’s snowed in Las Vegas, too! It’s so cold in Las Vegas, you have to tip the strippers 50 bucks just to get them to take their coats off.
Good news for the Disney Channel. They’re going to Russia. They’re going to be broadcasting from Russia. Which is great news for Sarah Palin — she’ll be able to see it from her house.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Much of the country is covered in snow. Chicago got a foot of snow. The blizzard was so bad, Gov. Blagojevich declared a state of emergency and sent all corruption investigators home.
There was even some snow in Malibu. It got so cold, some women had to be rushed to hot tubs to have their implants defrosted.
Gary Busey woke up, saw white powder all over the lawn, and thought it was Christmas.
Jay Leno
It’s really cold here! Everybody is shivering. It’s like the whole city is in rehab.
It was so cold in Beverly Hills, even people who didn’t have Botox couldn’t move their faces.
It snowed in Malibu. Unbelievable. Roads were closed. In fact, there was so much snow, celebrities couldn’t get to the global warming conference.
And not only here — it was so cold in Chicago, Gov. Blagojevich tried to sell Senate seat warmers.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Least Popular Holiday Songs
10. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me absolutely nothing because of the bad economy
9. Amy, the red-nosed Winehouse, will need a new liver soon
8. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but Al Gore tells me we're all screwed
7. Biden might do all right if his hair plugs stay in tight
6. Dr. Tannenbaum, Dr. Tannenbaum, is Cialis right for me?
5. Deck the halls with illegal payoffs, Bla-Bla-Bla-Bla-Bla Blagojevich
4. Ahmadinejad, Ahmadinejad, Ahmadinejad, you set our hearts aglow like a spent fuel rod
3. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, 1929
2. I have an irregular heart beat, pah-rum-puh-puh-puh-pum
1. Joy to the world, George Bush is done
David Letterman
The holiday spirit is infectious. That guy who threw the shoes at President Bush? Today, he was throwing fruitcakes.
Bernie Madoff, the guy who swindled investors out of $40 billion, was arrested and released on bail . . . sent home to his $7 million Park Avenue penthouse. He’s on house arrest. That sends a clear message.
A lot of people are saying that’s hardly fair, but insiders are saying, “You don’t know his wife.”
While stuck home, he swindled $20 from the Domino’s guy.
Conan O'Brien
This week, President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. There was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles.
Time magazine has selected their Person of the Year and guess what? It’s President-elect Barack Obama. Ironically, Ebony magazine announced that their Person of the Year is Ed Begley Jr.
According to a new survey, the most admired profession is doctor. The least admired profession? Gov. Blagojevich’s barber.
Mexico City has begun working on expanding its subway system. Apparently they’re adding stops in San Diego and Los Angeles.
Craig Ferguson
There was snow in Malibu today! Global warming? Kiss my a** Al Gore!
It’s snowed in Las Vegas, too! It’s so cold in Las Vegas, you have to tip the strippers 50 bucks just to get them to take their coats off.
Good news for the Disney Channel. They’re going to Russia. They’re going to be broadcasting from Russia. Which is great news for Sarah Palin — she’ll be able to see it from her house.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Much of the country is covered in snow. Chicago got a foot of snow. The blizzard was so bad, Gov. Blagojevich declared a state of emergency and sent all corruption investigators home.
There was even some snow in Malibu. It got so cold, some women had to be rushed to hot tubs to have their implants defrosted.
Gary Busey woke up, saw white powder all over the lawn, and thought it was Christmas.
