Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don’t want to say he’s unpopular, but today as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him.
Here’s a holiday tip I learned over the weekend: A fruitcake can be used like a Duraflame log in the fireplace.
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama’s seat any time soon. He says he’s going to wait until next summer when prices improve.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Answers To The Question, "How Cold Is It?"
10. "It's so cold, auto company executives are asking Congress for soup"
9. "It's so cold, Tom Cruise is making a movie about a plot to assassinate Al Roker"
8. "It's so cold, Starbucks is selling antifreeze macchiatos"
7. "It's so cold, MSNBC employees gathered around Keith Olbermann's giant head for warmth"
6. "It's so cold, Bernie Madoff was defrauding Eskimos"
5. "It's so cold, this morning it took Joe Biden 40 minutes to defrost his hair plugs"
4. "It's so cold, O.J. led an armed raid to retrieve his space heater"
3. "It's so cold, Apple just introduced something called the iScarf"
2. "It's so cold, Iraqis are throwing snowshoes at President Bush"
1. "It's so cold, Santa said, 'Screw Christmas,' and took off for Rio"
David Letterman
It’s freezing cold today. It’s so cold that Bernie Madoff is looking forward to burning in hell.
It’s so cold today that people were throwing shoes at Al Roker.
It’s so cold today that President Bush was ducking ski boots.
Today is the second day of Hanukkah — John McCain made an appearance with Joe the rabbi.
Conan O'Brien
This morning the news said it feels like it’s 10 below zero outside. It’s freezing. It’s so cold, I saw someone rubbing the Olsen twins together to start a fire.
President Bush says he’s already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Which means he’s only two years behind most Americans.
In an interview, Barack Obama says he plans on having a lot of jazz and classical music at the White house. After hearing this, President Bush said, “I better go break the bad news to the Wiggles.”
Toyota announced their first loss in 70 years. The head of Chrysler called them and said, “Don’t worry — you get used to it.”
Craig Ferguson
Jim Carrey stars in a new movie where he can only say yes. That’s better than “Liar Liar” where he played a lawyer who told the truth. That’s about as believable as Mel Gibson playing a rabbi.
Happy Hanukkah, Mel.
Jim Carrey always plays in movies where he can do only one thing. In the new one, “Yes Man,” he can only say yes. Then he was a lying lawyer who ended up telling the truth. Then there were his movies where he was talking with his butt.
Jay Leno
Bernie Madoff has been charged with swindling people out of $50 billion. I don’t want to say he’s unpopular, but today as he was walking in New York, he passed a manger scene and Joseph threw a sandal at him.
Here’s a holiday tip I learned over the weekend: A fruitcake can be used like a Duraflame log in the fireplace.
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he will not fill Barack Obama’s seat any time soon. He says he’s going to wait until next summer when prices improve.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Answers To The Question, "How Cold Is It?"
10. "It's so cold, auto company executives are asking Congress for soup"
9. "It's so cold, Tom Cruise is making a movie about a plot to assassinate Al Roker"
8. "It's so cold, Starbucks is selling antifreeze macchiatos"
7. "It's so cold, MSNBC employees gathered around Keith Olbermann's giant head for warmth"
6. "It's so cold, Bernie Madoff was defrauding Eskimos"
5. "It's so cold, this morning it took Joe Biden 40 minutes to defrost his hair plugs"
4. "It's so cold, O.J. led an armed raid to retrieve his space heater"
3. "It's so cold, Apple just introduced something called the iScarf"
2. "It's so cold, Iraqis are throwing snowshoes at President Bush"
1. "It's so cold, Santa said, 'Screw Christmas,' and took off for Rio"
David Letterman
It’s freezing cold today. It’s so cold that Bernie Madoff is looking forward to burning in hell.
It’s so cold today that people were throwing shoes at Al Roker.
It’s so cold today that President Bush was ducking ski boots.
Today is the second day of Hanukkah — John McCain made an appearance with Joe the rabbi.
Conan O'Brien
This morning the news said it feels like it’s 10 below zero outside. It’s freezing. It’s so cold, I saw someone rubbing the Olsen twins together to start a fire.
President Bush says he’s already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Which means he’s only two years behind most Americans.
In an interview, Barack Obama says he plans on having a lot of jazz and classical music at the White house. After hearing this, President Bush said, “I better go break the bad news to the Wiggles.”
Toyota announced their first loss in 70 years. The head of Chrysler called them and said, “Don’t worry — you get used to it.”
Craig Ferguson
Jim Carrey stars in a new movie where he can only say yes. That’s better than “Liar Liar” where he played a lawyer who told the truth. That’s about as believable as Mel Gibson playing a rabbi.
Happy Hanukkah, Mel.
Jim Carrey always plays in movies where he can do only one thing. In the new one, “Yes Man,” he can only say yes. Then he was a lying lawyer who ended up telling the truth. Then there were his movies where he was talking with his butt.
