Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
As you may have heard, the Leno show is going to be going on at 10 p.m. A lot of people were shocked when they heard. Not that I was moving to primetime — that NBC still had a primetime.
President-elect Barack Obama and his family are going to spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. You know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this — the reporters who follow the president. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii.
Earlier today, Obama and Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore, and Biden. So you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime, and the guy who will speak nonstop for our entire lifetime all together in one room.
Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know — is that a big issue for the average American? Hey — if he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Highlights Of The Ball State Cardinals Football Season presented by Head Coach Brady Hoke
10. "Only team in college ball to use kangaroo as long snapper"
9. "I coached the second half of the Toledo game wearing only a headset and underpants"
8. "When O.J. Simpson and some goons showed up and tried to steal our equipment"
7. "Our players met athletes from around the world when Muncie hosted this year's summer Olympics"
6. "Defeating the Detroit Lions"
5. "The loss to Buffalo because it taught us humility and resiliency . . . I'm kidding, it totally blew"
4. "The post-game locker room grab-ass"
3. "Beat Eastern Michigan, Central Michigan, Western Michigan, Southern Michigan, Southwestern Michigan and Mexican Michigan"
2. "None of our players shot themselves in the leg"
1. "The drunk 3 a.m. coaching tips from Letterman"
David Letterman
It looks like the Big Three automakers are going to get some bailout money. You try it — if you have a bad year, go to Washington and try to get some bailout money.
They were told they couldn’t use it to give themselves big bonuses. They said of course not. That’s what the employee pension fund is for.
Here’s an odd story: A 70-year-old woman gave birth. So, congratulations to Madonna and A-Rod.
Conan O'Brien
President Bush says it’s hard to tell if a bailout deal for automakers is imminent. Then he said, “It’s hard to tell if the big hand is on the 11 or the 12.”
Some Senate leaders say it’s close. They say it’s taking so long because every time they almost get a deal, the car executives say, “I’ll have to go and check with my manager.”
The latest rumor in Washington is that President-elect Barack Obama may open up trade with Cuba. This is great news for anyone looking to buy a black-and-white television.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for Jay Leno. He is not leaving NBC. He is going to do his current show in an earlier time slot, 10 p.m. Jay’s getting a little older now, so 10 p.m. is kind of “late night” for Jay.
I’m not sure this is such a good idea. If late night TV starts earlier and earlier, we’ll have to make up jokes about things that haven’t actually happened yet. We’ll be making stuff up. Don’t we have a Fox News already?
It’s very big news in the tiny dark world of late-night talk-show hosts. But then in our world, it’s big news when a Jonas Brother goes on date, or when O.J. Simpson becomes someone’s prison bitch.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested in Chicago for trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. Which I guess is illegal.
He’s supposed to appoint somebody. But he’s in Chicago — he has Barack Obama’s seat for sale — shouldn’t he go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for the seat than her?
President Bush has just over a month left in office, and as is customary, he sat for an official portrait. This weekend in Philadelphia, they unveiled the portrait of our 43rd president [portrait of Dick Cheney presented].
Jay Leno
As you may have heard, the Leno show is going to be going on at 10 p.m. A lot of people were shocked when they heard. Not that I was moving to primetime — that NBC still had a primetime.
President-elect Barack Obama and his family are going to spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. You know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this — the reporters who follow the president. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii.
Earlier today, Obama and Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore, and Biden. So you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime, and the guy who will speak nonstop for our entire lifetime all together in one room.
Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know — is that a big issue for the average American? Hey — if he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Highlights Of The Ball State Cardinals Football Season presented by Head Coach Brady Hoke
10. "Only team in college ball to use kangaroo as long snapper"
9. "I coached the second half of the Toledo game wearing only a headset and underpants"
8. "When O.J. Simpson and some goons showed up and tried to steal our equipment"
7. "Our players met athletes from around the world when Muncie hosted this year's summer Olympics"
6. "Defeating the Detroit Lions"
5. "The loss to Buffalo because it taught us humility and resiliency . . . I'm kidding, it totally blew"
4. "The post-game locker room grab-ass"
3. "Beat Eastern Michigan, Central Michigan, Western Michigan, Southern Michigan, Southwestern Michigan and Mexican Michigan"
2. "None of our players shot themselves in the leg"
1. "The drunk 3 a.m. coaching tips from Letterman"
David Letterman
It looks like the Big Three automakers are going to get some bailout money. You try it — if you have a bad year, go to Washington and try to get some bailout money.
They were told they couldn’t use it to give themselves big bonuses. They said of course not. That’s what the employee pension fund is for.
Here’s an odd story: A 70-year-old woman gave birth. So, congratulations to Madonna and A-Rod.
Conan O'Brien
President Bush says it’s hard to tell if a bailout deal for automakers is imminent. Then he said, “It’s hard to tell if the big hand is on the 11 or the 12.”
Some Senate leaders say it’s close. They say it’s taking so long because every time they almost get a deal, the car executives say, “I’ll have to go and check with my manager.”
The latest rumor in Washington is that President-elect Barack Obama may open up trade with Cuba. This is great news for anyone looking to buy a black-and-white television.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for Jay Leno. He is not leaving NBC. He is going to do his current show in an earlier time slot, 10 p.m. Jay’s getting a little older now, so 10 p.m. is kind of “late night” for Jay.
I’m not sure this is such a good idea. If late night TV starts earlier and earlier, we’ll have to make up jokes about things that haven’t actually happened yet. We’ll be making stuff up. Don’t we have a Fox News already?
It’s very big news in the tiny dark world of late-night talk-show hosts. But then in our world, it’s big news when a Jonas Brother goes on date, or when O.J. Simpson becomes someone’s prison bitch.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested in Chicago for trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. Which I guess is illegal.
He’s supposed to appoint somebody. But he’s in Chicago — he has Barack Obama’s seat for sale — shouldn’t he go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for the seat than her?
President Bush has just over a month left in office, and as is customary, he sat for an official portrait. This weekend in Philadelphia, they unveiled the portrait of our 43rd president [portrait of Dick Cheney presented].
