Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
A lot of voters are taking advantage of the early voting. Which is smart for older voters in Florida who aren’t sure they’ll still be alive next Tuesday.
Financial experts are saying the economic crisis is going to cost $2.8 trillion. It’s hard for people to visualize $2.8 trillion. To put it in perspective, that’s enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year.
Sarah Palin’s campaign made three stops today — Saks, Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdale’s . . .
Sarah Palin says that when campaigning, she doesn’t wear her wedding ring. The shape of it hurts her finger when she’s shaking hands. And Bill said to Hillary, “See? I told you! That’s why!”
David Letterman
Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud. Republicans are relieved — at least it didn’t involve an airport men’s room.
Alaska officials were tipped off by Russians who were watching with binoculars.
One week to go until the election. Down in Florida, they’re already unloading the crooked voting machines.
The winner of next week’s election meets Hillary in the finals.
Conan O'Brien
Joe the plumber back in the news. Earlier today, Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets.
Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. John McCain said this would be dangerous; Dick Cheney said it would be expensive; and Sarah Palin said, “There are three branches of government?”
CNN reported that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran.
Barack Obama is encouraging his supporters to take Election Day off so they can help him get out the vote. A lot of Americans said they were already planning to take the day off, because they don’t have a job.
Craig Ferguson
Ted Stevens has been convicted of fraud. He allowed an oil company to pay for renovations on his house in Alaska. The oil company put in stuff you’d expect for a man his age: a little stair-lift thing and a walk-in closet for his pills.
They also put the entire house on stilts. I don’t know why. I think he also wanted to see Russia from his house.
Ted Stevens is a legendary figure up in Alaska. He has been alive longer than Alaska has been a state.
The airport in Anchorage, Alaska, is named Ted Stevens International Airport. They’ll have to rename it “Prisoner No. 4983 Airport.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sen. Robert Byrd was in Charleston, W.Va., at a rally for Joe Biden. He got a little confused about which office Biden is running for when he introduced him as “the next president — Joe Biden!” Somebody slipped some gin in Grandpa’s cod liver oil.
Over the weekend, Manuel Uribe, the world’s fattest man, got married in Mexico. He had to be transported to the wedding on a flatbed truck. It looked like the Mexican version of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
NBA season opened tonight. The excitement is palpable. Especially in New York, where Knicks fans have been practicing their booing all month long.
Jay Leno
A lot of voters are taking advantage of the early voting. Which is smart for older voters in Florida who aren’t sure they’ll still be alive next Tuesday.
Financial experts are saying the economic crisis is going to cost $2.8 trillion. It’s hard for people to visualize $2.8 trillion. To put it in perspective, that’s enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year.
Sarah Palin’s campaign made three stops today — Saks, Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdale’s . . .
Sarah Palin says that when campaigning, she doesn’t wear her wedding ring. The shape of it hurts her finger when she’s shaking hands. And Bill said to Hillary, “See? I told you! That’s why!”
David Letterman
Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud. Republicans are relieved — at least it didn’t involve an airport men’s room.
Alaska officials were tipped off by Russians who were watching with binoculars.
One week to go until the election. Down in Florida, they’re already unloading the crooked voting machines.
The winner of next week’s election meets Hillary in the finals.
Conan O'Brien
Joe the plumber back in the news. Earlier today, Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets.
Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. John McCain said this would be dangerous; Dick Cheney said it would be expensive; and Sarah Palin said, “There are three branches of government?”
CNN reported that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran.
Barack Obama is encouraging his supporters to take Election Day off so they can help him get out the vote. A lot of Americans said they were already planning to take the day off, because they don’t have a job.
Craig Ferguson
Ted Stevens has been convicted of fraud. He allowed an oil company to pay for renovations on his house in Alaska. The oil company put in stuff you’d expect for a man his age: a little stair-lift thing and a walk-in closet for his pills.
They also put the entire house on stilts. I don’t know why. I think he also wanted to see Russia from his house.
Ted Stevens is a legendary figure up in Alaska. He has been alive longer than Alaska has been a state.
The airport in Anchorage, Alaska, is named Ted Stevens International Airport. They’ll have to rename it “Prisoner No. 4983 Airport.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sen. Robert Byrd was in Charleston, W.Va., at a rally for Joe Biden. He got a little confused about which office Biden is running for when he introduced him as “the next president — Joe Biden!” Somebody slipped some gin in Grandpa’s cod liver oil.
Over the weekend, Manuel Uribe, the world’s fattest man, got married in Mexico. He had to be transported to the wedding on a flatbed truck. It looked like the Mexican version of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
NBA season opened tonight. The excitement is palpable. Especially in New York, where Knicks fans have been practicing their booing all month long.
