Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Just one week left to go until the election. To give you an idea of how long this whole thing has been going on, when John McCain started, he was just 47 years old.
Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama. This is bad news for John McCain, because at his age, he has enough colon problems.
Pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary. And the only one of those three who will actually vote for him.
Halloween is coming up this weekend. But retailers are saying no one is going to dress up as Gov. Sarah Palin. That’s because her costume costs $150,000.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Sarah Palin Excuses For Spending $150,000 On Clothes
10. "Need to look good for the Russians who can see me in Alaska"
9. "The old man spends more on Polident"
8. "Auditioning to be Paris Hilton's BFF"
7. "Wanted to impress the American voters in the evening gown competition"
6. "Maverick, Joe the plumber, maverick, maverick, William Ayers, you betcha!"
5. "I fell for the liberal retailers' 'gotcha sales tactics'"
4. "Because the dollar is so weak, it's really like I only spent $50,000"
3. "Hmm . . . excuses? I'll find some and I'll get right back to ya!"
2. "In addition to every newspaper and magazine, I also read every catalog"
1. "The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: lipstick, Prada shoes, a Gucci handbag, and a few $3,000 suits"
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton turned 61 yesterday. Hillary and Bill shared a quiet birthday dinner, followed by a quiet breakfast, followed by a quiet lunch, followed by another quiet dinner . . .
If you want to get Hillary a gift, you can’t go wrong with a gift from Bed Bath & Bitterness.
Barack Obama is ahead in the polls. The only way he could mess up the election is if he replaced Joe Biden with Andy Dick.
Yesterday, Sarah Palin spent the day campaigning with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, from “The View.” John McCain spent the day looking for his slippers.
Conan O'Brien
According to a new poll, if the vote were held today, more Americans would vote for Back Obama than John McCain. The poll also shows that if the election were held today, everyone would be thrilled it was over.
Political experts say that the only way John McCain can win next week is if John McCain can attract swing voters. Unfortunately, John McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller.
Alaska’s largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama. Luckily for Palin, it’s one of the 500 newspapers she doesn’t read.
Craig Ferguson
Ted Stevens, the 84-year-old Alaska senator, was convicted on corruption charges. Alaska’s not just famous for hockey moms, they’ve got prison grandpas as well.
The Anchorage Daily News, Alaska’s largest newspaper, endorsed Barack Obama. That’s another newspaper Sarah Palin will never read.
I was in Las Vegas over the weekend. I thought it would be empty with the economy the way it is. But it wasn’t. There were people everywhere. Turns out roulette is less risky than the stock market.
Jay Leno
Just one week left to go until the election. To give you an idea of how long this whole thing has been going on, when John McCain started, he was just 47 years old.
Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama. This is bad news for John McCain, because at his age, he has enough colon problems.
Pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary. And the only one of those three who will actually vote for him.
Halloween is coming up this weekend. But retailers are saying no one is going to dress up as Gov. Sarah Palin. That’s because her costume costs $150,000.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Sarah Palin Excuses For Spending $150,000 On Clothes
10. "Need to look good for the Russians who can see me in Alaska"
9. "The old man spends more on Polident"
8. "Auditioning to be Paris Hilton's BFF"
7. "Wanted to impress the American voters in the evening gown competition"
6. "Maverick, Joe the plumber, maverick, maverick, William Ayers, you betcha!"
5. "I fell for the liberal retailers' 'gotcha sales tactics'"
4. "Because the dollar is so weak, it's really like I only spent $50,000"
3. "Hmm . . . excuses? I'll find some and I'll get right back to ya!"
2. "In addition to every newspaper and magazine, I also read every catalog"
1. "The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: lipstick, Prada shoes, a Gucci handbag, and a few $3,000 suits"
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton turned 61 yesterday. Hillary and Bill shared a quiet birthday dinner, followed by a quiet breakfast, followed by a quiet lunch, followed by another quiet dinner . . .
If you want to get Hillary a gift, you can’t go wrong with a gift from Bed Bath & Bitterness.
Barack Obama is ahead in the polls. The only way he could mess up the election is if he replaced Joe Biden with Andy Dick.
Yesterday, Sarah Palin spent the day campaigning with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, from “The View.” John McCain spent the day looking for his slippers.
Conan O'Brien
According to a new poll, if the vote were held today, more Americans would vote for Back Obama than John McCain. The poll also shows that if the election were held today, everyone would be thrilled it was over.
Political experts say that the only way John McCain can win next week is if John McCain can attract swing voters. Unfortunately, John McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller.
Alaska’s largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama. Luckily for Palin, it’s one of the 500 newspapers she doesn’t read.
Craig Ferguson
Ted Stevens, the 84-year-old Alaska senator, was convicted on corruption charges. Alaska’s not just famous for hockey moms, they’ve got prison grandpas as well.
The Anchorage Daily News, Alaska’s largest newspaper, endorsed Barack Obama. That’s another newspaper Sarah Palin will never read.
I was in Las Vegas over the weekend. I thought it would be empty with the economy the way it is. But it wasn’t. There were people everywhere. Turns out roulette is less risky than the stock market.
