Friday, October 31, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama’s infomercial last night was called “American Stories.” I guess it sounds better than “Barack Obama — Running Out the Clock.”
I really liked it — especially at the end where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud.
Amazingly, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC is already talking to him about picking it up for 13 more episodes.
Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then finally Acceptance.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things That Went Through Cole Hamels' Mind After Winning The World Series
10. Maybe I'll get to be on "Dancing With The Stars"
9. Can I wear my cup in the off-season?
8. The Rays collapsed faster than my 401(K)
7. How cool a name is Cole Hamels?
6. This must be how the Yankees used to feel
5. Is the Phillie Phanatic hitting on my wife?
4. Seriously, how cool a name is Cole Hamels?
3. How can I celebrate when the nation's economic output is the weakest it's been since the third quarter of 2001?
2. I hope John McCain will start calling me "Cole the pitcher"
1. Now maybe I'll get to appear on Leno
David Letterman
It's cold out today. So cold, Sarah Palin was putting ChapStick on a pit bull.
Last night, on all the major television networks, Barack Obama had a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It's about time this guy got some media coverage . . .
It’s Halloween. Everyone loves Halloween — even Eliot Spitzer. He was dating a girl named Candy.
John McCain was on “Larry King” last night. It was kind of awkward at one point: Larry had to tell John McCain that 72 percent of his ex-wives were for Obama.
Conan O'Brien
A number of athletes have endorsed candidates in this presidential election. Barack Obama has been endorsed by Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley, and John McCain has been endorsed by Ty Cobb and Jim Thorpe.
A lot of issues being decided on Election Day. In John McCain’s home state of Arizona, voters are being asked to decide whether there should be a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. McCain is even using this issue in an attack ad that says, “Obama/Biden, they share positions together.”
Joe the plumber is back in the news. He was supposed to appear at a John McCain rally today but didn’t show up. So apparently, this guy really is a plumber.
A judge in Ohio has ruled that homeless people are allowed to vote, and they can list their home address as “a park bench.” Ohio officials say that a park bench may not be the most traditional place to live, but it’s still a lot nicer than Cleveland.
Craig Ferguson
Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama last night. At one point he said, “This man should be our president.” He hasn’t said that since he campaigned with Hillary.
Barack Obama’s show was last night. It wasn’t really a show . . . I forget what they called it . . .“30 Barack” or something.
Or was it “Extreme Makeover: White House Edition”?
Obama’s special was really just an infomercial. I expected them to say, “We can make this a better country — for three easy payments of $19.95.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
At John McCain’s campaign stop in Defiance, Ohio, they thought Joe the plumber was going to be there. They had asked him to come but didn’t follow up. Well, he didn’t. That’s surprising — it’s not like a plumber to keep you waiting.
On Monday, Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens was found guilty on seven counts of making false statements and one count of illegally punching a salmon.
Obama is ahead in nearly every major poll. One gambling site online has him as a 7-1 favorite to win. They’re saying that the only way Obama can lose this election is if they made him bowl for it.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama’s infomercial last night was called “American Stories.” I guess it sounds better than “Barack Obama — Running Out the Clock.”
I really liked it — especially at the end where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud.
Amazingly, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC is already talking to him about picking it up for 13 more episodes.
Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then finally Acceptance.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things That Went Through Cole Hamels' Mind After Winning The World Series
10. Maybe I'll get to be on "Dancing With The Stars"
9. Can I wear my cup in the off-season?
8. The Rays collapsed faster than my 401(K)
7. How cool a name is Cole Hamels?
6. This must be how the Yankees used to feel
5. Is the Phillie Phanatic hitting on my wife?
4. Seriously, how cool a name is Cole Hamels?
3. How can I celebrate when the nation's economic output is the weakest it's been since the third quarter of 2001?
2. I hope John McCain will start calling me "Cole the pitcher"
1. Now maybe I'll get to appear on Leno
David Letterman
It's cold out today. So cold, Sarah Palin was putting ChapStick on a pit bull.
Last night, on all the major television networks, Barack Obama had a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It's about time this guy got some media coverage . . .
It’s Halloween. Everyone loves Halloween — even Eliot Spitzer. He was dating a girl named Candy.
John McCain was on “Larry King” last night. It was kind of awkward at one point: Larry had to tell John McCain that 72 percent of his ex-wives were for Obama.
Conan O'Brien
A number of athletes have endorsed candidates in this presidential election. Barack Obama has been endorsed by Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley, and John McCain has been endorsed by Ty Cobb and Jim Thorpe.
A lot of issues being decided on Election Day. In John McCain’s home state of Arizona, voters are being asked to decide whether there should be a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. McCain is even using this issue in an attack ad that says, “Obama/Biden, they share positions together.”
Joe the plumber is back in the news. He was supposed to appear at a John McCain rally today but didn’t show up. So apparently, this guy really is a plumber.
A judge in Ohio has ruled that homeless people are allowed to vote, and they can list their home address as “a park bench.” Ohio officials say that a park bench may not be the most traditional place to live, but it’s still a lot nicer than Cleveland.
Craig Ferguson
Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama last night. At one point he said, “This man should be our president.” He hasn’t said that since he campaigned with Hillary.
Barack Obama’s show was last night. It wasn’t really a show . . . I forget what they called it . . .“30 Barack” or something.
Or was it “Extreme Makeover: White House Edition”?
Obama’s special was really just an infomercial. I expected them to say, “We can make this a better country — for three easy payments of $19.95.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
At John McCain’s campaign stop in Defiance, Ohio, they thought Joe the plumber was going to be there. They had asked him to come but didn’t follow up. Well, he didn’t. That’s surprising — it’s not like a plumber to keep you waiting.
On Monday, Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens was found guilty on seven counts of making false statements and one count of illegally punching a salmon.
Obama is ahead in nearly every major poll. One gambling site online has him as a 7-1 favorite to win. They’re saying that the only way Obama can lose this election is if they made him bowl for it.
