Thursday, August 28, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
There’s now talk that John McCain may choose a woman running mate — so there’s hope for Hillary yet.
Earlier today, Hillary Clinton released her delegates, making Barack Obama officially the Democratic nominee. I wonder how many people thought Hillary should have kept her delegates and released Bill.
Obama chose Joe Biden as his running mate. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi praised Biden, calling him the “full package.” Now he’s getting phone calls from Sen. Larry Craig.
You can tell the Olympics are over in China. That stadium they called the bird’s nest? It was converted into a giant coal-burning, lead toy factory.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines
10. Wanna form a more perfect union?
9. Something's rising and it's not the national debt
8. I'm stiffer than John Kerry
7. Let's go someplace and release our delegates
6. Care to join the wife and me for a little "bipartisanship?"
5. I'll make you scream like Howard Dean
4. Now that's what I call a stimulus package
3. I'm gonna Barack your world
2. Wanna pretend we're Republicans and have gay bathroom sex?
1. Hi, I'm John Edwards
David Letterman
Tonight’s speakers at the Democratic National Convention: Sen. Harry Reid, former New Hampshire Gov. Jeanne Shaheen, and Charles Schumer. Fire up the TiVo!
Hillary Clinton wore a bright orange pantsuit at the convention last night. She looked like a Caltrans worker on the Hollywood freeway.
She gave a rousing speech — so passionate, so emotional. Nancy Pelosi’s face almost moved.
Earlier, her husband Bill spoke at the convention. He got four standing ovations and five phone numbers.
Conan O'Brien
During the Democratic Convention, delegates are being warned not to drink too much. When asked why, Democratic officials said, “Last time we got drunk at our convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale.”
The publisher Simon & Schuster came out with a children’s book about Barack Obama. They also came out with a book about John McCain — “Horton Gets a Hearing Aid.”
A woman in Illinois discovered that her Jeep Cherokee used to be owned by Barack Obama. She could tell it used to be Obama’s because Hillary keeps trying to get into the driver’s seat.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
After all the naming problems this campaign has had, why Obama would pick a running mate with the last name Biden is beyond me. Obama-Biden — it’s like they’re trying to sound as much like Osama bin Laden as possible. They found the two guys in America that sound most closely with the person we hate more than anyone in the world.
I would have gone with an Obama-Valderrama ticket.
The inside word is that Obama went back and forth with Biden and Virginia Gov. Tim Kane. Ultimately, it came down to a game of Barack-paper-scissors.
For her speech at the convention, Hillary wore a very smart saffron pantsuit. Before she picked the pantsuit, they actually tested some on the stage. The tried to see which one would look best on camera. When it comes to pantsuits, is there ever really a right choice?
Jay Leno
There’s now talk that John McCain may choose a woman running mate — so there’s hope for Hillary yet.
Earlier today, Hillary Clinton released her delegates, making Barack Obama officially the Democratic nominee. I wonder how many people thought Hillary should have kept her delegates and released Bill.
Obama chose Joe Biden as his running mate. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi praised Biden, calling him the “full package.” Now he’s getting phone calls from Sen. Larry Craig.
You can tell the Olympics are over in China. That stadium they called the bird’s nest? It was converted into a giant coal-burning, lead toy factory.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines
10. Wanna form a more perfect union?
9. Something's rising and it's not the national debt
8. I'm stiffer than John Kerry
7. Let's go someplace and release our delegates
6. Care to join the wife and me for a little "bipartisanship?"
5. I'll make you scream like Howard Dean
4. Now that's what I call a stimulus package
3. I'm gonna Barack your world
2. Wanna pretend we're Republicans and have gay bathroom sex?
1. Hi, I'm John Edwards
David Letterman
Tonight’s speakers at the Democratic National Convention: Sen. Harry Reid, former New Hampshire Gov. Jeanne Shaheen, and Charles Schumer. Fire up the TiVo!
Hillary Clinton wore a bright orange pantsuit at the convention last night. She looked like a Caltrans worker on the Hollywood freeway.
She gave a rousing speech — so passionate, so emotional. Nancy Pelosi’s face almost moved.
Earlier, her husband Bill spoke at the convention. He got four standing ovations and five phone numbers.
Conan O'Brien
During the Democratic Convention, delegates are being warned not to drink too much. When asked why, Democratic officials said, “Last time we got drunk at our convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale.”
The publisher Simon & Schuster came out with a children’s book about Barack Obama. They also came out with a book about John McCain — “Horton Gets a Hearing Aid.”
A woman in Illinois discovered that her Jeep Cherokee used to be owned by Barack Obama. She could tell it used to be Obama’s because Hillary keeps trying to get into the driver’s seat.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
After all the naming problems this campaign has had, why Obama would pick a running mate with the last name Biden is beyond me. Obama-Biden — it’s like they’re trying to sound as much like Osama bin Laden as possible. They found the two guys in America that sound most closely with the person we hate more than anyone in the world.
I would have gone with an Obama-Valderrama ticket.
The inside word is that Obama went back and forth with Biden and Virginia Gov. Tim Kane. Ultimately, it came down to a game of Barack-paper-scissors.
For her speech at the convention, Hillary wore a very smart saffron pantsuit. Before she picked the pantsuit, they actually tested some on the stage. The tried to see which one would look best on camera. When it comes to pantsuits, is there ever really a right choice?
