Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
The Olympics on NBC was the most watched TV show in the history of television. The least watched shows on television? Anything on NBC after the Olympics.
How about that one American female competitor who got robbed of her silver medal? What was her name? Oh — Hillary Clinton.
At the Democratic Convention in Denver, both Bill and Hillary Clinton will be speaking . . . not to each other, of course . . .
Barack Obama sent out a text message for his vice president choice at 3 a.m. He told everyone he picked Joe Biden. How do you think that made Hillary Clinton feel? She finally gets that 3 a.m. call — and it’s to tell her they picked Joe Biden.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways to Make the Democratic National Convention More Fun
10. Offer John McCain $1 million if he correctly guesses how many homes he owns
9. Every night, one lucky lady gets to go home with John Edwards
8. In honor of party mascot, serve assortment of delicious donkey and mule treats
7. Each delegate gets a kitty . . . superdelegates get a super kitty!
6. Special appearance by the exhumed remains of Lyndon Johnson
5. Call the Pepsi Center something crazy like the Bird's Nest or the Water Cube
4. Give John Kerry's crazy wife five minutes to say whatever she wants
3. Kick things off with a song from Dennis Kucinich
2. Five words: hot volleyball babes in bikinis
1. Try to squeeze Al Gore into the same suit he wore at the 2000 convention
David Letterman
During the closing ceremonies of the Olympics, Michael Phelps won two more gold medals.
From the Olympics on to the Democratic Convention in Denver. The theme of this year’s convention is unity. Unfortunately they can’t agree on how it works . . .
The Democratic National Convention is in Denver, and security is tight. It’s very tight. It is tighter than Nancy Pelosi’s face.
Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s running mate. Nothing says change like a guy who’s been in the Senate for 35 years.
Conan O'Brien
This week, Barack Obama is going to give his acceptance speech, and reportedly, it will include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen . . . and they say Obama isn’t black enough.
Tomorrow night at the convention, to show support of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Hillary’s speech is entitled, “Forget All Those Things I Said During the Primaries.”
The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, “What Bush Got Right.” Newsweek says “What Bush Got Right” is the shortest cover story since January’s issue on famous Korean rabbis.
Jay Leno
The Olympics on NBC was the most watched TV show in the history of television. The least watched shows on television? Anything on NBC after the Olympics.
How about that one American female competitor who got robbed of her silver medal? What was her name? Oh — Hillary Clinton.
At the Democratic Convention in Denver, both Bill and Hillary Clinton will be speaking . . . not to each other, of course . . .
Barack Obama sent out a text message for his vice president choice at 3 a.m. He told everyone he picked Joe Biden. How do you think that made Hillary Clinton feel? She finally gets that 3 a.m. call — and it’s to tell her they picked Joe Biden.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways to Make the Democratic National Convention More Fun
10. Offer John McCain $1 million if he correctly guesses how many homes he owns
9. Every night, one lucky lady gets to go home with John Edwards
8. In honor of party mascot, serve assortment of delicious donkey and mule treats
7. Each delegate gets a kitty . . . superdelegates get a super kitty!
6. Special appearance by the exhumed remains of Lyndon Johnson
5. Call the Pepsi Center something crazy like the Bird's Nest or the Water Cube
4. Give John Kerry's crazy wife five minutes to say whatever she wants
3. Kick things off with a song from Dennis Kucinich
2. Five words: hot volleyball babes in bikinis
1. Try to squeeze Al Gore into the same suit he wore at the 2000 convention
David Letterman
During the closing ceremonies of the Olympics, Michael Phelps won two more gold medals.
From the Olympics on to the Democratic Convention in Denver. The theme of this year’s convention is unity. Unfortunately they can’t agree on how it works . . .
The Democratic National Convention is in Denver, and security is tight. It’s very tight. It is tighter than Nancy Pelosi’s face.
Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s running mate. Nothing says change like a guy who’s been in the Senate for 35 years.
Conan O'Brien
This week, Barack Obama is going to give his acceptance speech, and reportedly, it will include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen . . . and they say Obama isn’t black enough.
Tomorrow night at the convention, to show support of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Hillary’s speech is entitled, “Forget All Those Things I Said During the Primaries.”
The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, “What Bush Got Right.” Newsweek says “What Bush Got Right” is the shortest cover story since January’s issue on famous Korean rabbis.
