Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Earlier today, Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. She gave the entire speech while biting her tongue.
Barack Obama has chosen Sen. Joseph Biden to be his vice presidential running mate. Biden has 35 years’ experience in Washington. So, between the two of them? That’s almost 36 years of experience.
Yesterday was the three-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It seems like just yesterday FEMA was heading down to New Orleans . . . actually, it was just yesterday.
Hallmark has announced that they are coming out with a line of same-sex wedding cards. I think that’s fair . . . why should only straight guys be forced to pay five bucks for a stupid card?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Democratic National Convention
10. "Check it out — Bill Clinton and John Edwards are hitting on the same woman"
9. "The decorations are made from 'John Kerry 2004' bumper stickers"
8. "I think the Chinese delegates are underage"
7. "No, Mr. President, you belong at the Republican Convention"
6. "Senator Biden, do you think you'll shoot an old guy in the face?"
5. "Shut up! I'm trying to listen to Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle"
4. No number 4 — writer at screening of "The House Bunny"
3. "Coming up next, a look at Democratic candidates' greatest concession speeches"
2. "Yes, at midnight they're going to tase Andy Dick"
1. "Hey, it's a giant Al Gore balloon! Oh, wait. That's Al Gore"
David Letterman
It was so nice today in New York City, John McCain is buying a house here.
Last week, they asked John McCain, “How many houses do you own?” and he said, “I’ll have to get back to you.” I have two houses . . . three if you count the champagne room with flashdancers.
How about that Michael Phelps? Eight Olympic gold medals. To me, that’s not the most impressive thing. The guy is actually swimming home from China.
Today, Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. Bill was there, and he cheered and applauded . . . and so did his date.
Conan O'Brien
Tonight, at the Democratic National Convention, Hillary Clinton gave a big speech in favor of Barack Obama. Experts say it was the longest speech ever delivered entirely through clenched teeth.
Michelle Obama gave a great speech. She said she has been in love with Barack Obama ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Meanwhile, John McCain’s wife Cindy says she’s been in love with John McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave.
At the Democratic Convention, Trojan Condoms has set up a pavilion where they are giving out thousands of free condoms. They’re doing it in case John Edwards shows up.
The Republican Convention starts next week. John McCain’s campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the convention. They told Bush that the convention starts in December.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Democratic Convention is underway in Denver. Thousands of pounds of confetti, hats, and hookers have been shipped in.
Since this is the first DNC to feature an African-American candidate, some are calling it the Run-DNC.
Sen. Hillary Clinton addressed the convention. It was a highly anticipated speech. People were curious as to how strongly she would endorse her former foe. She endorsed him strongly. She said this country needs change, and whatever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time for the Democrats to put aside their differences and rally behind Mr. Potato Ears.
Jay Leno
Earlier today, Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. She gave the entire speech while biting her tongue.
Barack Obama has chosen Sen. Joseph Biden to be his vice presidential running mate. Biden has 35 years’ experience in Washington. So, between the two of them? That’s almost 36 years of experience.
Yesterday was the three-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It seems like just yesterday FEMA was heading down to New Orleans . . . actually, it was just yesterday.
Hallmark has announced that they are coming out with a line of same-sex wedding cards. I think that’s fair . . . why should only straight guys be forced to pay five bucks for a stupid card?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Democratic National Convention
10. "Check it out — Bill Clinton and John Edwards are hitting on the same woman"
9. "The decorations are made from 'John Kerry 2004' bumper stickers"
8. "I think the Chinese delegates are underage"
7. "No, Mr. President, you belong at the Republican Convention"
6. "Senator Biden, do you think you'll shoot an old guy in the face?"
5. "Shut up! I'm trying to listen to Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle"
4. No number 4 — writer at screening of "The House Bunny"
3. "Coming up next, a look at Democratic candidates' greatest concession speeches"
2. "Yes, at midnight they're going to tase Andy Dick"
1. "Hey, it's a giant Al Gore balloon! Oh, wait. That's Al Gore"
David Letterman
It was so nice today in New York City, John McCain is buying a house here.
Last week, they asked John McCain, “How many houses do you own?” and he said, “I’ll have to get back to you.” I have two houses . . . three if you count the champagne room with flashdancers.
How about that Michael Phelps? Eight Olympic gold medals. To me, that’s not the most impressive thing. The guy is actually swimming home from China.
Today, Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. Bill was there, and he cheered and applauded . . . and so did his date.
Conan O'Brien
Tonight, at the Democratic National Convention, Hillary Clinton gave a big speech in favor of Barack Obama. Experts say it was the longest speech ever delivered entirely through clenched teeth.
Michelle Obama gave a great speech. She said she has been in love with Barack Obama ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Meanwhile, John McCain’s wife Cindy says she’s been in love with John McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave.
At the Democratic Convention, Trojan Condoms has set up a pavilion where they are giving out thousands of free condoms. They’re doing it in case John Edwards shows up.
The Republican Convention starts next week. John McCain’s campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the convention. They told Bush that the convention starts in December.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Democratic Convention is underway in Denver. Thousands of pounds of confetti, hats, and hookers have been shipped in.
Since this is the first DNC to feature an African-American candidate, some are calling it the Run-DNC.
Sen. Hillary Clinton addressed the convention. It was a highly anticipated speech. People were curious as to how strongly she would endorse her former foe. She endorsed him strongly. She said this country needs change, and whatever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time for the Democrats to put aside their differences and rally behind Mr. Potato Ears.
