Friday, August 29, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama has accepted the Democratic nomination for president of the United States. He gave his acceptance speech on the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I have a Dream” speech. And just two days after Hillary Clinton gave her “I Had a Dream!” speech.
They had a Mount Olympus backdrop with columns on it . . . a little over the top. Like when they introduced him as “Barack — son of Zeus!” That seemed over the top.
Last night, during his speech, Bill Clinton promised to do everything he could to help Barack Obama win the election. Hillary said, “That’s nice — but you know Bill . . . keeping promises is not his strong suit.”
According to the New York Post, a delegate at the convention received information packets with three separate warmings not to drink too much, because alcohol has a much greater effect at higher altitudes. I guess they didn’t want anyone getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with John Edwards again.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises in Barack Obama's Democratic National Convention Address
10. Delivered speech in a bright orange pantsuit
9. Wants to change October to "Barack-tober"
8. Most of speech was devoted to his Labor Day barbecue cole slaw recipe
7. Outlined plan for America, then took calls about the Broncos defense
6. Kept saying to John Kerry, "Hey, why the long face?"
5. Twelve-and-a-half minutes of, "Testing-one-two"
4. Performed hilarious ventriloquist act with Dennis Kucinich on his lap
3. Promised to make Pluto a state
2. Plans to bring peace to Lo and Audrina on "The Hills"
1. Also pronounces "nuclear," "nucular"
David Letterman
Last night Barack Obama was officially nominated Democratic candidate for president of the United States. I think things are starting to look bad for Hillary.
Bill Clinton spoke last night. He’s a powerful orator. But this was sort of sad . . . in the middle of Clinton’s speech, wandering out on stage, was John McCain in his bathrobe.
I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who turns his business over to his son, but still shows up once a week.
John McCain has finally decided on his choice for vice president. The only question now is, from which house will he make the announcement?
Conan O'Brien
Political experts says that John McCain is going to try to steal attention away from the Democrats tonight by leaking the name of his running mate. Experts say there’s a pretty good chance McCain will leak something else too.
Last night at the convention, Bill and Hillary Clinton were in the elevator together when it got struck between floors for five minutes. A spokesman called it a minor technical glitch, while Bill Clinton called it, “My own personal hell.”
Today, both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. So it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Democratic National Convention is over. Oprah was there. She actually owns Colorado. She bought it a couple of months ago.
I guess she was able to take a couple of days off from her job.
Al Gore was there, too. It was good to see Al Gore. With all this talk about global warming, and all he does for the environment, I’d forgotten how boring he is.
The night’s big event was Obama’s speech, in front of 75,000 enthusiastic supporters and eight confused Broncos season ticket holders. They thought maybe the football season started early.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama has accepted the Democratic nomination for president of the United States. He gave his acceptance speech on the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I have a Dream” speech. And just two days after Hillary Clinton gave her “I Had a Dream!” speech.
They had a Mount Olympus backdrop with columns on it . . . a little over the top. Like when they introduced him as “Barack — son of Zeus!” That seemed over the top.
Last night, during his speech, Bill Clinton promised to do everything he could to help Barack Obama win the election. Hillary said, “That’s nice — but you know Bill . . . keeping promises is not his strong suit.”
According to the New York Post, a delegate at the convention received information packets with three separate warmings not to drink too much, because alcohol has a much greater effect at higher altitudes. I guess they didn’t want anyone getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with John Edwards again.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises in Barack Obama's Democratic National Convention Address
10. Delivered speech in a bright orange pantsuit
9. Wants to change October to "Barack-tober"
8. Most of speech was devoted to his Labor Day barbecue cole slaw recipe
7. Outlined plan for America, then took calls about the Broncos defense
6. Kept saying to John Kerry, "Hey, why the long face?"
5. Twelve-and-a-half minutes of, "Testing-one-two"
4. Performed hilarious ventriloquist act with Dennis Kucinich on his lap
3. Promised to make Pluto a state
2. Plans to bring peace to Lo and Audrina on "The Hills"
1. Also pronounces "nuclear," "nucular"
David Letterman
Last night Barack Obama was officially nominated Democratic candidate for president of the United States. I think things are starting to look bad for Hillary.
Bill Clinton spoke last night. He’s a powerful orator. But this was sort of sad . . . in the middle of Clinton’s speech, wandering out on stage, was John McCain in his bathrobe.
I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who turns his business over to his son, but still shows up once a week.
John McCain has finally decided on his choice for vice president. The only question now is, from which house will he make the announcement?
Conan O'Brien
Political experts says that John McCain is going to try to steal attention away from the Democrats tonight by leaking the name of his running mate. Experts say there’s a pretty good chance McCain will leak something else too.
Last night at the convention, Bill and Hillary Clinton were in the elevator together when it got struck between floors for five minutes. A spokesman called it a minor technical glitch, while Bill Clinton called it, “My own personal hell.”
Today, both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. So it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Democratic National Convention is over. Oprah was there. She actually owns Colorado. She bought it a couple of months ago.
I guess she was able to take a couple of days off from her job.
Al Gore was there, too. It was good to see Al Gore. With all this talk about global warming, and all he does for the environment, I’d forgotten how boring he is.
The night’s big event was Obama’s speech, in front of 75,000 enthusiastic supporters and eight confused Broncos season ticket holders. They thought maybe the football season started early.
