Thursday, July 31, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Well, it looks like Hillary Clinton still has a shot at being vice president — yeah, if John McCain picks her.
Turns out she’s not very high on Barack Obama’s list . . . she’s right between the Rev. Wright and Jesse Jackson.
Earlier this week, John McCain had a small mole removed from his temple . . . to which President Bush said, “Temple? I didn’t know he was Jewish.”
Yesterday, Congress apologized for slavery . . . and not a moment too soon!
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Jerry Lewis Excuses
10. "Rehearsing for my new film 'The Nutty Terrorist'"
9. "I haven't been myself since Lindsay Lohan went Lesbian"
8. "I'm Batman"
7. "No shampoo on planes I understand, but guns? What is this, Damascus"
6. "Was wacked out on some stuff I got from Amy Winehouse"
5. "Confused myself with Jerry Lee Lewis"
4. "How else do I open those airline peanuts?"
3. "I was told this was a roast!"
2. "Just found out I was seated next to Andy Dick"
1. "Sorry, I thought I put the gun in my schlamaaaaaaven"
1. "Sorry
David Letterman
New York City is now the No. 1 tourist attraction in America. Visitors love the way the rats come up to your car window and beg.
They had an earthquake out in California yesterday. It was so violent, my mom called “The Tonight Show” to see if I was OK.
It was so violent, Andy Dick was thrown to his feet.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, a moderate earthquake hit California. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was giving a speech at the time, and the shaking was so great, you could actually understand what he was saying.
Time magazine says that many top Republicans are worried that lately John McCain has been taking too negative a tone. When he heard this McCain said, "Shut your piehole.”
Barack Obama says that next month he's planning to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. When he heard this, President Bush said, "Pace yourself, ‘cause once you become president, the vacations start coming fast and furious.”
A comic book publisher says he’s trying to increase voter turnout in the presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack Obama. The publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at first-time voters and long-time virgins.
Craig Ferguson
Celebrity birthdays today: Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hillary Swank. Both very different, of course. One is really macho with great big muscles . . . and the other one is Arnold Schwarzenegger.
There was an earthquake in California yesterday. Lots of shows were taping. Footage from “Two and a Half Men” shows Charlie Sheen taking shelter under that kid.
The ladies from “The View” were screaming and pulling each other’s hair out. And they’re in New York!
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Welcome to the great earthquake of ’08. Don’t worry; I'm bolted to the floor.
My mother called to make sure I was still alive . . . but Mom, why did you wait so long to call? The earthquake was yesterday.
I think she was watching it on TiVo.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 61 today — 61 years ago, in a little town in Austria, our future governor used his bare hands to pry his mother apart and emerge victorious.
Jay Leno
Well, it looks like Hillary Clinton still has a shot at being vice president — yeah, if John McCain picks her.
Turns out she’s not very high on Barack Obama’s list . . . she’s right between the Rev. Wright and Jesse Jackson.
Earlier this week, John McCain had a small mole removed from his temple . . . to which President Bush said, “Temple? I didn’t know he was Jewish.”
Yesterday, Congress apologized for slavery . . . and not a moment too soon!
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Jerry Lewis Excuses
10. "Rehearsing for my new film 'The Nutty Terrorist'"
9. "I haven't been myself since Lindsay Lohan went Lesbian"
8. "I'm Batman"
7. "No shampoo on planes I understand, but guns? What is this, Damascus"
6. "Was wacked out on some stuff I got from Amy Winehouse"
5. "Confused myself with Jerry Lee Lewis"
4. "How else do I open those airline peanuts?"
3. "I was told this was a roast!"
2. "Just found out I was seated next to Andy Dick"
1. "Sorry, I thought I put the gun in my schlamaaaaaaven"
1. "Sorry
David Letterman
New York City is now the No. 1 tourist attraction in America. Visitors love the way the rats come up to your car window and beg.
They had an earthquake out in California yesterday. It was so violent, my mom called “The Tonight Show” to see if I was OK.
It was so violent, Andy Dick was thrown to his feet.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, a moderate earthquake hit California. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was giving a speech at the time, and the shaking was so great, you could actually understand what he was saying.
Time magazine says that many top Republicans are worried that lately John McCain has been taking too negative a tone. When he heard this McCain said, "Shut your piehole.”
Barack Obama says that next month he's planning to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. When he heard this, President Bush said, "Pace yourself, ‘cause once you become president, the vacations start coming fast and furious.”
A comic book publisher says he’s trying to increase voter turnout in the presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack Obama. The publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at first-time voters and long-time virgins.
Craig Ferguson
Celebrity birthdays today: Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hillary Swank. Both very different, of course. One is really macho with great big muscles . . . and the other one is Arnold Schwarzenegger.
There was an earthquake in California yesterday. Lots of shows were taping. Footage from “Two and a Half Men” shows Charlie Sheen taking shelter under that kid.
The ladies from “The View” were screaming and pulling each other’s hair out. And they’re in New York!
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Welcome to the great earthquake of ’08. Don’t worry; I'm bolted to the floor.
My mother called to make sure I was still alive . . . but Mom, why did you wait so long to call? The earthquake was yesterday.
I think she was watching it on TiVo.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 61 today — 61 years ago, in a little town in Austria, our future governor used his bare hands to pry his mother apart and emerge victorious.
