Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards looking at the National Enquirer.
The National Enquirer caught former presidential candidate John Edwards sneaking out of his girlfriend’s room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel at 2:40 in the morning. The reporters were waiting for him. If Edwards didn’t want to get caught, they should have met at the hotel where John McCain was staying — there were no reporters there.
They said on the news tonight that the political campaign has only a hundred days left. Only! I don’t know what’s less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days.
John McCain met with the Dalai Lama. It was pretty amazing. The man whose belief goes back to the seventh century standing next to the Dalai Lama.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways John McCain Can Appear More Youthful
10. Campaign in a batsuit
9. Instead of Lincoln, pepper speech with quotes from Brody Jenner
8. Get his Miracle Ear pierced
7. Stop yelling at reporters to get off his lawn
6. Play breakdancing vice principal in "High School Musical 3"
5. Take a page from Jason Giambi and grow a cool moustache
4. Wrestle a gator
3. Change name of "Straight Talk Express" to "J-Dawg's Booty Wagon"
2. Stop promising a Packard in every garage and a goose in every icebox
1. Never hurts to nail a few interns
David Letterman
A guy goes to Wendy’s, orders the chili, and finds a dead rat. Wendy’s was outraged. They said, “Dead mouse? It was alive when we put it in there!”
Then they said, “Oh, don’t worry about it — it’s a Disney promotion.”
Barack Obama has been overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. He’s been so successful at campaigning abroad that he’s actually thinking of campaigning here in the United States.
He spoke to a half million people in Germany. A half million. While he was doing that, John McCain wasn’t laying around. McCain was out driving in his driveway and backed over the mailbox.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama is upset because the other day in Israel, someone revealed the contents of a private prayer Obama inserted into Jerusalem’s Western Wall. Experts say it’s even worse than the time The Washington Post printed President Bush’s letter to Santa.
Yesterday, Barack Obama visited a doctor and he received treatment for a sore hip. After hearing about it, John McCain said, “If he wants it replaced, I know just the guy.”
During a recent concert, British pop star George Michael said that Barack Obama should pick Hillary Clinton as his vice president. George Michael says he’s been a huge Hillary fan ever since she started copying his Wham! haircut.
The former mayor of Newark, N.J., was found guilty of corruption charges, and he is going to receive his sentence tomorrow. Prosecutors say that the mayor could get 10 years in prison or 20 years in Newark.
Craig Ferguson
Celebrating some big birthdays today: Elizabeth Berkley from “Showgirls” and Attorney General Mike Mukasey. They’re very different, of course . . . one of them is a gorgeous bitch who danced around a pole for money, the other is Elizabeth Berkley.
Matt Damon announced that his wife is going to have a baby. I thought Ben Affleck was looking a little bigger.
Barack Obama went to the doctor today. He has a sore hip, apparently. Finally the two presidential candidates have something in common.
Jay Leno
Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards looking at the National Enquirer.
The National Enquirer caught former presidential candidate John Edwards sneaking out of his girlfriend’s room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel at 2:40 in the morning. The reporters were waiting for him. If Edwards didn’t want to get caught, they should have met at the hotel where John McCain was staying — there were no reporters there.
They said on the news tonight that the political campaign has only a hundred days left. Only! I don’t know what’s less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days.
John McCain met with the Dalai Lama. It was pretty amazing. The man whose belief goes back to the seventh century standing next to the Dalai Lama.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways John McCain Can Appear More Youthful
10. Campaign in a batsuit
9. Instead of Lincoln, pepper speech with quotes from Brody Jenner
8. Get his Miracle Ear pierced
7. Stop yelling at reporters to get off his lawn
6. Play breakdancing vice principal in "High School Musical 3"
5. Take a page from Jason Giambi and grow a cool moustache
4. Wrestle a gator
3. Change name of "Straight Talk Express" to "J-Dawg's Booty Wagon"
2. Stop promising a Packard in every garage and a goose in every icebox
1. Never hurts to nail a few interns
David Letterman
A guy goes to Wendy’s, orders the chili, and finds a dead rat. Wendy’s was outraged. They said, “Dead mouse? It was alive when we put it in there!”
Then they said, “Oh, don’t worry about it — it’s a Disney promotion.”
Barack Obama has been overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. He’s been so successful at campaigning abroad that he’s actually thinking of campaigning here in the United States.
He spoke to a half million people in Germany. A half million. While he was doing that, John McCain wasn’t laying around. McCain was out driving in his driveway and backed over the mailbox.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama is upset because the other day in Israel, someone revealed the contents of a private prayer Obama inserted into Jerusalem’s Western Wall. Experts say it’s even worse than the time The Washington Post printed President Bush’s letter to Santa.
Yesterday, Barack Obama visited a doctor and he received treatment for a sore hip. After hearing about it, John McCain said, “If he wants it replaced, I know just the guy.”
During a recent concert, British pop star George Michael said that Barack Obama should pick Hillary Clinton as his vice president. George Michael says he’s been a huge Hillary fan ever since she started copying his Wham! haircut.
The former mayor of Newark, N.J., was found guilty of corruption charges, and he is going to receive his sentence tomorrow. Prosecutors say that the mayor could get 10 years in prison or 20 years in Newark.
Craig Ferguson
Celebrating some big birthdays today: Elizabeth Berkley from “Showgirls” and Attorney General Mike Mukasey. They’re very different, of course . . . one of them is a gorgeous bitch who danced around a pole for money, the other is Elizabeth Berkley.
Matt Damon announced that his wife is going to have a baby. I thought Ben Affleck was looking a little bigger.
Barack Obama went to the doctor today. He has a sore hip, apparently. Finally the two presidential candidates have something in common.
