Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama was on “Meet the Press” Sunday. John McCain was on a new show called, “I Wish I Could Meet the Press.”
Polls show Obama more popular than McCain in Germany, France, and Great Britain. However, McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul, and the Holy Roman Empire. So, it's pretty balanced.
The state of New Hampshire is going to allow prison inmates to enter into civil unions . . . which is good news for inmates who are in love — but bad news for their cell mates.
Have you heard about this group called “Prayer at the Pump?” It’s a religious group that shows up at gas stations and they pray for lower prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy policy.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Barack Obama is Overconfident
10. Proposed bill to change Oklahoma to "Oklobama"
9. Offered Bush 20 bucks for the "Mission Accomplished" banner
8. Asked guy at Staples, "Which chair will work best in an oval-shaped office?"
7. The affair with Barbara Walters
6. Having head measured for Mount Rushmore
5. Guy sits around eating soup all day
4. He's voting for Nader
3. Offered McCain a job in gift shop at Obama Presidential Library
2. Announced his running mate will be Andy Dick
1. Been cruising for chicks with John Edwards
David Letterman
Hot today. So hot, that today in New York City Jamba Juice is $140 a barrel.
New York City is America’s No. 1 tourist destination. America’s No. 1 tourist destination. It’s because of our pristine beaches and friendly natives.
The great thing about New York City is that there’s stuff to do for everyone. For example, kids: They love to run through the maze in Donald Trump’s hair.
Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. A lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson’s tour bus.
Conan O'Brien
Last night, John McCain appeared on ‘Larry King Live.’ The show consisted of a five-minute interview and a 55-minute “pee break.”
Barack Obama announced that next month he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. After hearing about it, President Bush said, “I can’t believe he’s taking another trip to a foreign country.”
Hillary Clinton is trying to retire her campaign debt so she’s giving everyone who donates money a chance to have dinner with her. No word yet on what the winner gets.
In St. Louis, a church group is holding prayer services at gas stations asking God to lower fuel prices. If it works, the church will hold a prayer service at Starbucks.
Craig Ferguson
Birthdays today: “Project Runway’s” Tim Gunn and Sen. Elizabeth Dole. Both very different. One has been in love with Bob Dole for 40 years, the other is Elizabeth Dole.
There was a big earthquake today. It caused over $2 million in improvements to Joan Rivers.
The aftershocks are still rippling through Kirstie Ally.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
They say yesterday’s earthquake could have destroyed hundreds of homes had they not been already destroyed by wildfires.
It was a small one . . . though you wouldn’t know it. One thing we’re very good at here in L.A., is making a big deal out of nothing — for example, Paris Hilton.
The earthquake was powerful enough that an entire group of people lined up outside to see “Batman” ended up lined up to see “Mamma Mia.”
Jay Leno
Barack Obama was on “Meet the Press” Sunday. John McCain was on a new show called, “I Wish I Could Meet the Press.”
Polls show Obama more popular than McCain in Germany, France, and Great Britain. However, McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul, and the Holy Roman Empire. So, it's pretty balanced.
The state of New Hampshire is going to allow prison inmates to enter into civil unions . . . which is good news for inmates who are in love — but bad news for their cell mates.
Have you heard about this group called “Prayer at the Pump?” It’s a religious group that shows up at gas stations and they pray for lower prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy policy.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Barack Obama is Overconfident
10. Proposed bill to change Oklahoma to "Oklobama"
9. Offered Bush 20 bucks for the "Mission Accomplished" banner
8. Asked guy at Staples, "Which chair will work best in an oval-shaped office?"
7. The affair with Barbara Walters
6. Having head measured for Mount Rushmore
5. Guy sits around eating soup all day
4. He's voting for Nader
3. Offered McCain a job in gift shop at Obama Presidential Library
2. Announced his running mate will be Andy Dick
1. Been cruising for chicks with John Edwards
David Letterman
Hot today. So hot, that today in New York City Jamba Juice is $140 a barrel.
New York City is America’s No. 1 tourist destination. America’s No. 1 tourist destination. It’s because of our pristine beaches and friendly natives.
The great thing about New York City is that there’s stuff to do for everyone. For example, kids: They love to run through the maze in Donald Trump’s hair.
Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. A lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson’s tour bus.
Conan O'Brien
Last night, John McCain appeared on ‘Larry King Live.’ The show consisted of a five-minute interview and a 55-minute “pee break.”
Barack Obama announced that next month he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. After hearing about it, President Bush said, “I can’t believe he’s taking another trip to a foreign country.”
Hillary Clinton is trying to retire her campaign debt so she’s giving everyone who donates money a chance to have dinner with her. No word yet on what the winner gets.
In St. Louis, a church group is holding prayer services at gas stations asking God to lower fuel prices. If it works, the church will hold a prayer service at Starbucks.
Craig Ferguson
Birthdays today: “Project Runway’s” Tim Gunn and Sen. Elizabeth Dole. Both very different. One has been in love with Bob Dole for 40 years, the other is Elizabeth Dole.
There was a big earthquake today. It caused over $2 million in improvements to Joan Rivers.
The aftershocks are still rippling through Kirstie Ally.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
They say yesterday’s earthquake could have destroyed hundreds of homes had they not been already destroyed by wildfires.
It was a small one . . . though you wouldn’t know it. One thing we’re very good at here in L.A., is making a big deal out of nothing — for example, Paris Hilton.
The earthquake was powerful enough that an entire group of people lined up outside to see “Batman” ended up lined up to see “Mamma Mia.”
