Saturday, July 26, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama has been elected chancellor of Germany. Yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland. John McCain was in Grandfather land.
Barack Obama is now in France. John McCain is doing what he can to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the French toast combo at IHop.
The Dalai Lama had a near-death experience today — he met with John McCain.
John McCain just can’t get any media attention. So today, he kept getting in and out of his limo without any underwear on.
David Letterman
So hot today, tourists on the top of the double-decker bus were naked.
Happy birthday to Mick Jagger — 65 years old today. It’s too bad Keith Richards isn’t alive to see this.
A 94-year-old guy was arrested in a vice sweep for soliciting a hooker. This is what happens when Medicare covers Viagra.
Craig Ferguson
Big birthdays this weekend: Helen Mirren and Mick Jagger. Both very different, of course, one’s a wrinkly old bitch who’s still doing well, and the other’s Helen Mirren.
Barack Obama’s campaign is coming out with a line of pajamas. They’re going to call them “O-Jamas.”
John McCain already has his line of bedtime clothes: They’re called adult diapers.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“Batman” has made $1 billion dollars so far.
“Batman” has taken in more money than Brad and Angelina’s twins combined.
Shark Week begins this week on the Discovery Channel. We have a family tradition at the Kimmels during Shark Week. Every year, on the Sunday that Shark Week begins, I make my kids get in the pool with a small shark, and the first one who gets bit, doesn’t have to do dishes for the rest of the year.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama has been elected chancellor of Germany. Yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland. John McCain was in Grandfather land.
Barack Obama is now in France. John McCain is doing what he can to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the French toast combo at IHop.
The Dalai Lama had a near-death experience today — he met with John McCain.
John McCain just can’t get any media attention. So today, he kept getting in and out of his limo without any underwear on.
David Letterman
So hot today, tourists on the top of the double-decker bus were naked.
Happy birthday to Mick Jagger — 65 years old today. It’s too bad Keith Richards isn’t alive to see this.
A 94-year-old guy was arrested in a vice sweep for soliciting a hooker. This is what happens when Medicare covers Viagra.
Craig Ferguson
Big birthdays this weekend: Helen Mirren and Mick Jagger. Both very different, of course, one’s a wrinkly old bitch who’s still doing well, and the other’s Helen Mirren.
Barack Obama’s campaign is coming out with a line of pajamas. They’re going to call them “O-Jamas.”
John McCain already has his line of bedtime clothes: They’re called adult diapers.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“Batman” has made $1 billion dollars so far.
“Batman” has taken in more money than Brad and Angelina’s twins combined.
Shark Week begins this week on the Discovery Channel. We have a family tradition at the Kimmels during Shark Week. Every year, on the Sunday that Shark Week begins, I make my kids get in the pool with a small shark, and the first one who gets bit, doesn’t have to do dishes for the rest of the year.
