Saturday, June 28, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Beach
10. "You're going to have to put on a top — oh, sorry, sir"
9. "Forget about sharks, I thought I saw a tomato in the water"
8. "Due to the mortgage crisis, we're foreclosing your sand castle"
7. "We're out of mayo; use the Coppertone"
6. "Wow, that lifeguard can really put away the gin"
5. "The water? It's about 11 miles that way"
4. "I know you're not drowning, but would you like mouth-to-mouth anyway?"
3. "Giant squid! Run for your lives!"
2. "Are you here for the Al Qaeda summer picnic?"
1. "Now where did I bury Grandpa?"
David Letterman
It's so hot, everybody feels like going to the beach. In fact, today, former Gov. of New York Eliot Spitzer hired a girl named Sandy.
My family gets together with me every Fourth of July. Two years ago, we saw my uncle drinking out of a flask . . . turns out it was charcoal lighter fluid.
Next month all the hookers in New York leave for Minneapolis for the Republican Convention.
Sen. Larry Craig has already booked his airport restroom.
Craig Ferguson
It’s Michael Vick’s birthday. He won’t be celebrating because he’s in prison. But dogs all over America are going crazy.
They’re all saying, “Who’s your bitch now?”
Today is independence day for Madagascar. That’s where the pirates used to hang out and do “piraty” things . . . like drink rum . . . powder their cannon balls . . . get into sword fights . . . like a party at Elton John’s house.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The fourth of July is a week away . . . I’m already trying to figure out which figure to blow off.
It’s the last weekend in California to drive and talk on the cell phone without a headset. Starting Tuesday, if you’re caught talking on the phone without a hands-free device, you get hit with a $20 fine. So they are not screwing around. That’s almost an eighth of a tank of gas.
One nice thing — now that I will have my hands free, it’s easier to return gun fire with motorists.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Beach
10. "You're going to have to put on a top — oh, sorry, sir"
9. "Forget about sharks, I thought I saw a tomato in the water"
8. "Due to the mortgage crisis, we're foreclosing your sand castle"
7. "We're out of mayo; use the Coppertone"
6. "Wow, that lifeguard can really put away the gin"
5. "The water? It's about 11 miles that way"
4. "I know you're not drowning, but would you like mouth-to-mouth anyway?"
3. "Giant squid! Run for your lives!"
2. "Are you here for the Al Qaeda summer picnic?"
1. "Now where did I bury Grandpa?"
David Letterman
It's so hot, everybody feels like going to the beach. In fact, today, former Gov. of New York Eliot Spitzer hired a girl named Sandy.
My family gets together with me every Fourth of July. Two years ago, we saw my uncle drinking out of a flask . . . turns out it was charcoal lighter fluid.
Next month all the hookers in New York leave for Minneapolis for the Republican Convention.
Sen. Larry Craig has already booked his airport restroom.
Craig Ferguson
It’s Michael Vick’s birthday. He won’t be celebrating because he’s in prison. But dogs all over America are going crazy.
They’re all saying, “Who’s your bitch now?”
Today is independence day for Madagascar. That’s where the pirates used to hang out and do “piraty” things . . . like drink rum . . . powder their cannon balls . . . get into sword fights . . . like a party at Elton John’s house.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The fourth of July is a week away . . . I’m already trying to figure out which figure to blow off.
It’s the last weekend in California to drive and talk on the cell phone without a headset. Starting Tuesday, if you’re caught talking on the phone without a hands-free device, you get hit with a $20 fine. So they are not screwing around. That’s almost an eighth of a tank of gas.
One nice thing — now that I will have my hands free, it’s easier to return gun fire with motorists.
Labels: J
