Thursday, June 12, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
When President Bush heard gas was an average of $4 all over the country, he said, “But how much is it in the city?”
Hillary Clinton’s camp says she is not actively seeking the vice presidential nomination . . . passively-aggressively seeking it, yes . . .
Officials are saying they found a pipe bomb in a dead chicken. So it sounds like al-Qaida is starting to have some serious budget problems.
They say it is either the work of some terrorist organization or Carrot Top.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs an NBA Game Is Fixed
10. Game begins 20 minutes before visiting team arrives
9. Tip-off always goes to the player with the largest salary
8. At the end of the first quarter, the score is 179 to 2
7. Missed three-pointers count for two points if they're "pretty close"
6. One of the Laker Girls looks suspiciously like Pete Rose
5. Whenever he's open, referee takes a shot
4. Scoreboard has disclaimer: "All Scores Approximate"
3. The team loses even though it led in points, delegates, and the popular vote
2. Jack Nicholson scores 25 points from his seat
1. The Knicks win
David Letterman
Another hot day in New York City — 89 and insufferable. Like Regis.
It’s so hot, I’m driving home last night and the navigation lady says, “Wanna stop for a beer?”
NASA has announced a plan to take a trip to the sun. So apparently, the search for bin Laden continues.
They want to get to the sun; they want to find the thermostat, and turn it down.
Conan O'Brien
John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he meets with the public. It’s all part of McCain’s “Speak up, I Can’t Hear You” tour.
NASA has announced plans to send a probe to orbit the sun — where it will be forced to withstand temperatures of 1,400 degrees Fahrenheit. When he heard about it, President Bush said: “Why don’t they just go at night?”
According to MSNBC, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have consulted a psychic about the birth of their twin girls. The psychic predicted Brad and Angelina’s twin girls will grow up to be very hot.
A new study just came out, it says that most computer-support workers would take a pay cut to work from home. Their exact quote was, “We miss living in India.”
Craig Ferguson
According to a new study, the average American will live six months longer than the last study. Finally some good news for John McCain.
Apparently Barack Obama is “e-mail buddies” with Scarlet Johansson . . . This is making me question Sen. Obama’s judgment. If he has Scarlet Johansson’s e-mail address, why is he wasting time running for president?
Daniel Craig cut the top of his finger off while filming the latest James Bond movie. Who’s he fighting, a can opener?
He was back to work the next day, which is very impressive, because if I chip a nail, we’re in reruns for a week.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Lakers beat the Cetics. Their first win. I can’t wait to find out who the NBA decided to win this thing.
I heard they shot multiple endings.
President Bush in on a tour of Germany, France, Italy, and a bunch of other countries that hate him.
While he’s gone, America is safe and sound in the more competent hands of Barney the White House terrier.
Jay Leno
When President Bush heard gas was an average of $4 all over the country, he said, “But how much is it in the city?”
Hillary Clinton’s camp says she is not actively seeking the vice presidential nomination . . . passively-aggressively seeking it, yes . . .
Officials are saying they found a pipe bomb in a dead chicken. So it sounds like al-Qaida is starting to have some serious budget problems.
They say it is either the work of some terrorist organization or Carrot Top.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs an NBA Game Is Fixed
10. Game begins 20 minutes before visiting team arrives
9. Tip-off always goes to the player with the largest salary
8. At the end of the first quarter, the score is 179 to 2
7. Missed three-pointers count for two points if they're "pretty close"
6. One of the Laker Girls looks suspiciously like Pete Rose
5. Whenever he's open, referee takes a shot
4. Scoreboard has disclaimer: "All Scores Approximate"
3. The team loses even though it led in points, delegates, and the popular vote
2. Jack Nicholson scores 25 points from his seat
1. The Knicks win
David Letterman
Another hot day in New York City — 89 and insufferable. Like Regis.
It’s so hot, I’m driving home last night and the navigation lady says, “Wanna stop for a beer?”
NASA has announced a plan to take a trip to the sun. So apparently, the search for bin Laden continues.
They want to get to the sun; they want to find the thermostat, and turn it down.
Conan O'Brien
John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he meets with the public. It’s all part of McCain’s “Speak up, I Can’t Hear You” tour.
NASA has announced plans to send a probe to orbit the sun — where it will be forced to withstand temperatures of 1,400 degrees Fahrenheit. When he heard about it, President Bush said: “Why don’t they just go at night?”
According to MSNBC, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have consulted a psychic about the birth of their twin girls. The psychic predicted Brad and Angelina’s twin girls will grow up to be very hot.
A new study just came out, it says that most computer-support workers would take a pay cut to work from home. Their exact quote was, “We miss living in India.”
Craig Ferguson
According to a new study, the average American will live six months longer than the last study. Finally some good news for John McCain.
Apparently Barack Obama is “e-mail buddies” with Scarlet Johansson . . . This is making me question Sen. Obama’s judgment. If he has Scarlet Johansson’s e-mail address, why is he wasting time running for president?
Daniel Craig cut the top of his finger off while filming the latest James Bond movie. Who’s he fighting, a can opener?
He was back to work the next day, which is very impressive, because if I chip a nail, we’re in reruns for a week.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Lakers beat the Cetics. Their first win. I can’t wait to find out who the NBA decided to win this thing.
I heard they shot multiple endings.
President Bush in on a tour of Germany, France, Italy, and a bunch of other countries that hate him.
While he’s gone, America is safe and sound in the more competent hands of Barney the White House terrier.
