Saturday, June 14, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Bush visited the Vatican this week where he met with the Pope. Again, I don’t think president studies up on these places before he goes there. Like as soon as he saw where the Pope lived he said, “Hey, I like what the little lady’s done with the place.”
Barack Obama took some time out from campaigning recently to go on a date with his wife. When Hillary Clinton heard about this she said to Bill, “Why can’t you do something like that?” So today Bill asked Barack Obama’s wife out on a date.
OPEC said this week it will call a meeting of its members to discuss what it calls “unjustified” oil prices. Not to bring the price down . . . just to come up with a reason to justify it.
According to a new survey, 56 percent of women say they would rather be thinner than smarter. The other 44 percent were models who didn’t understand the question.
David Letterman
Today is Friday the 13th, and down in Washington, D.C., a confused President Bush lit a menorah.
You know what Sunday is? Sunday, right here on CBS, the annual Tony Awards for excellence in Broadway. Yeah, and I am proud to say that, once again this year, we were nominated in the category, “Biggest Waste of a Broadway Theater."
Vice President Dick Cheney received a Tony nomination. Yep, for his performance in “The Angina Monologues."
Aren't you sick of the campaign already? Well, there's good news: the candidates are taking this weekend off. John McCain will be resting at his ranch, Rancho Sciatica . . . yeah, located right outside of Denture Springs."
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama has put his birth certificate online to fight the rumors he wasn’t born in the U.S. John McCain is going to put his birth certificate online as soon as he figures out how to upload the stone tablets.
Paul McCartney has just announced he’s going on a world tour. He’ll be on the road for two years. He’ll make a ton of money — about a month of alimony.
Tomorrow is Boy George and Donald Trump’s birthday. Very different of course — one’s a gay icon has-been who’s always doing something embarrassing, and the other one is Boy George.
The Olsen twins were born on Friday the 13th. Both very different of course . . . one is an anorexic millionaire actress with a . . . oh, wait a minute — they’re exactly the same.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
They’ve released a study that says Friday the 13th is actually less dangerous than regular Fridays . . . and TGI Fridays.
Pamela Andersen and Tommy Lee got back together. They say the 14th time is a charm.
They were out filming together today.
Jay Leno
President Bush visited the Vatican this week where he met with the Pope. Again, I don’t think president studies up on these places before he goes there. Like as soon as he saw where the Pope lived he said, “Hey, I like what the little lady’s done with the place.”
Barack Obama took some time out from campaigning recently to go on a date with his wife. When Hillary Clinton heard about this she said to Bill, “Why can’t you do something like that?” So today Bill asked Barack Obama’s wife out on a date.
OPEC said this week it will call a meeting of its members to discuss what it calls “unjustified” oil prices. Not to bring the price down . . . just to come up with a reason to justify it.
According to a new survey, 56 percent of women say they would rather be thinner than smarter. The other 44 percent were models who didn’t understand the question.
David Letterman
Today is Friday the 13th, and down in Washington, D.C., a confused President Bush lit a menorah.
You know what Sunday is? Sunday, right here on CBS, the annual Tony Awards for excellence in Broadway. Yeah, and I am proud to say that, once again this year, we were nominated in the category, “Biggest Waste of a Broadway Theater."
Vice President Dick Cheney received a Tony nomination. Yep, for his performance in “The Angina Monologues."
Aren't you sick of the campaign already? Well, there's good news: the candidates are taking this weekend off. John McCain will be resting at his ranch, Rancho Sciatica . . . yeah, located right outside of Denture Springs."
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama has put his birth certificate online to fight the rumors he wasn’t born in the U.S. John McCain is going to put his birth certificate online as soon as he figures out how to upload the stone tablets.
Paul McCartney has just announced he’s going on a world tour. He’ll be on the road for two years. He’ll make a ton of money — about a month of alimony.
Tomorrow is Boy George and Donald Trump’s birthday. Very different of course — one’s a gay icon has-been who’s always doing something embarrassing, and the other one is Boy George.
The Olsen twins were born on Friday the 13th. Both very different of course . . . one is an anorexic millionaire actress with a . . . oh, wait a minute — they’re exactly the same.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
They’ve released a study that says Friday the 13th is actually less dangerous than regular Fridays . . . and TGI Fridays.
Pamela Andersen and Tommy Lee got back together. They say the 14th time is a charm.
They were out filming together today.
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