Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Bush is in Italy visiting the Vatican. Once again, I don’t think he gets it. He asked the Pope, “So, is the family taking you out for Father’s Day?”
The New York Times is reporting that both Bill and Hillary Clinton have an enemies list. Hillary’s is mostly people who endorsed Barack Obama instead of her, and Bill’s list is mostly chicks who can’t keep a secret — they go blabbing to everybody.
Gay marriage became legal today here in California. Still no word on whether Simon Cowell can marry himself.
For the first time ever, both of the people getting married will actually be excited about the wedding.
Barack Obama was endorsed by Al Gore at the Joe Lewis Arena in Detroit. You could feel the excitement in the room . . . then Al Gore walked in.
George W. Bush says that he has some regrets. He says you don’t get a second chance in his line of work. Really? What was that second term all about?
The Saudis announced today that there is no shortage of oil. They have plenty of oil reserves. In fact they assure us that they have enough oil to keep screwing us well into the next century.
Airlines are now charging $15 to check your first bag — $15 for the first bag. And $30 if you ever want to see that bag again.
David Letterman
For Father’s Day, I stayed home and watched the crooked NBA Finals.
My son gave me a monogrammed medical alert bracelet.
It goes nicely with last year’s gift — a mug that reads “World’s Oldest Dad.”
John McCain is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. Today, he was campaigning in a pantsuit.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways The New York Mets Can Turn Things Around
10. Less horseplay, more grab-ass
9. Ask Tiger Woods to switch to baseball
8. Stop leaving games early to beat traffic
7. Convince superdelegates to put them in the playoffs
6. Ask President Bush how he was able to turn things around in Iraq
5. For starters, pay the poor bastards enough to live on
4. Jetpacks
3. Before every game, feed other team tainted to-maters
3. Before every game
2. Replace batting practice with frozen head of Ted Williams and dunk tank
1. Start fixing games like they do in the NBA
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together. They’ve already scheduled their first domestic disturbance for Thursday.
Al Gore has now endorsed Barack Obama. This is great — it gives the Obama campaign a much-needed shot of boredom.
You’re getting an endorsement from a guy who won an Academy Award, a Grammy, and he also won a competitive eating contest.
There’s going to be a series of candidate debates. Here’s how it’s going to be: After each question, Barack Obama wants a one-minute response . . . John McCain says after each question he wants a one-minute nap.
Conan O'Brien
Today at the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. When he heard that a younger African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, “uh-oh.”
Yesterday was Father’s Day and John McCain made plans to spend it with his grandchildren. Unfortunately, McCain’s grandchildren couldn’t make it because they spent the day with their grandchildren.
Republican Congressman Ron Paul has finally decided to suspend his presidential campaign. Paul said, “There comes a time when you realize that you have no chance to win, and that time was six months ago.”
President Bush said that after he retires he wants to write a book. Bush said he’s not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book.
Barack Obama’s staff and John McCain’s staff are busy negotiating when the Presidential debates will take place. Obama wants them to be in September — and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before “Wheel of Fortune.”
Yesterday, Barack Obama said that if becomes president he’d replace the White House bowling alley because it’s something he would never use. Apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library.
This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. Not surprisingly, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who’ve Been Attacked By Hillary Clinton.
Gay marriage is now legal in California and yesterday, a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as beautiful and the honeymoon as horrifying.
Craig Ferguson
Gay marriage started today in California. Let me be the first to congratulate Mr. and Mrs. Seacrest.
John McCain says he is in favor of offshore oil drilling. Opponents say he will have a hard time drilling. He’s old.
There’s a new car unveiled today: Zero gas emissions. Until I drive it.
A 52-year-old woman is suing Victoria’s Secret over injuries she received from wearing a thong. I think the thong was just trying to defend itself.
May I suggest — at 52, you’re really moving into the big underpants year.
All I’m saying is, my Speedo years are behind me.
The Mars Lander was digging and found a white powdery substance. Scientists are baffled. Lindsay Lohan hasn’t been anywhere near Mars.
Jay Leno
President Bush is in Italy visiting the Vatican. Once again, I don’t think he gets it. He asked the Pope, “So, is the family taking you out for Father’s Day?”
The New York Times is reporting that both Bill and Hillary Clinton have an enemies list. Hillary’s is mostly people who endorsed Barack Obama instead of her, and Bill’s list is mostly chicks who can’t keep a secret — they go blabbing to everybody.
Gay marriage became legal today here in California. Still no word on whether Simon Cowell can marry himself.
For the first time ever, both of the people getting married will actually be excited about the wedding.
Barack Obama was endorsed by Al Gore at the Joe Lewis Arena in Detroit. You could feel the excitement in the room . . . then Al Gore walked in.
George W. Bush says that he has some regrets. He says you don’t get a second chance in his line of work. Really? What was that second term all about?
The Saudis announced today that there is no shortage of oil. They have plenty of oil reserves. In fact they assure us that they have enough oil to keep screwing us well into the next century.
Airlines are now charging $15 to check your first bag — $15 for the first bag. And $30 if you ever want to see that bag again.
David Letterman
For Father’s Day, I stayed home and watched the crooked NBA Finals.
My son gave me a monogrammed medical alert bracelet.
It goes nicely with last year’s gift — a mug that reads “World’s Oldest Dad.”
John McCain is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. Today, he was campaigning in a pantsuit.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways The New York Mets Can Turn Things Around
10. Less horseplay, more grab-ass
9. Ask Tiger Woods to switch to baseball
8. Stop leaving games early to beat traffic
7. Convince superdelegates to put them in the playoffs
6. Ask President Bush how he was able to turn things around in Iraq
5. For starters, pay the poor bastards enough to live on
4. Jetpacks
3. Before every game, feed other team tainted to-maters
3. Before every game
2. Replace batting practice with frozen head of Ted Williams and dunk tank
1. Start fixing games like they do in the NBA
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together. They’ve already scheduled their first domestic disturbance for Thursday.
Al Gore has now endorsed Barack Obama. This is great — it gives the Obama campaign a much-needed shot of boredom.
You’re getting an endorsement from a guy who won an Academy Award, a Grammy, and he also won a competitive eating contest.
There’s going to be a series of candidate debates. Here’s how it’s going to be: After each question, Barack Obama wants a one-minute response . . . John McCain says after each question he wants a one-minute nap.
Conan O'Brien
Today at the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. When he heard that a younger African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, “uh-oh.”
Yesterday was Father’s Day and John McCain made plans to spend it with his grandchildren. Unfortunately, McCain’s grandchildren couldn’t make it because they spent the day with their grandchildren.
Republican Congressman Ron Paul has finally decided to suspend his presidential campaign. Paul said, “There comes a time when you realize that you have no chance to win, and that time was six months ago.”
President Bush said that after he retires he wants to write a book. Bush said he’s not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book.
Barack Obama’s staff and John McCain’s staff are busy negotiating when the Presidential debates will take place. Obama wants them to be in September — and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before “Wheel of Fortune.”
Yesterday, Barack Obama said that if becomes president he’d replace the White House bowling alley because it’s something he would never use. Apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library.
This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. Not surprisingly, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who’ve Been Attacked By Hillary Clinton.
Gay marriage is now legal in California and yesterday, a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as beautiful and the honeymoon as horrifying.
Craig Ferguson
Gay marriage started today in California. Let me be the first to congratulate Mr. and Mrs. Seacrest.
John McCain says he is in favor of offshore oil drilling. Opponents say he will have a hard time drilling. He’s old.
There’s a new car unveiled today: Zero gas emissions. Until I drive it.
A 52-year-old woman is suing Victoria’s Secret over injuries she received from wearing a thong. I think the thong was just trying to defend itself.
May I suggest — at 52, you’re really moving into the big underpants year.
All I’m saying is, my Speedo years are behind me.
The Mars Lander was digging and found a white powdery substance. Scientists are baffled. Lindsay Lohan hasn’t been anywhere near Mars.
