Saturday, June 21, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It was so hot today, Barack Obama met with Al Gore just for the shade.
It was so hot, Lou Dobbs hired three illegal aliens to turn their leaf blowers on him.
According to the Pentagon, at least 1,000 nuclear missiles or components in the U.S. arsenal are lost or cannot be located. We can’t even find our own weapons of mass destruction.
Gas costs half as much in Mexico — 2 bucks a gallon. A lot of Americans are flocking to Tijuana to fill their tanks. And if you bring back 15 or 20 illegal aliens, you can use the carpool lane.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Travel Agent
10. Hotel stay is six days and two nights
9. Accepts payment in the form of personal check, credit card or freshly harvested kidneys
8. Won't let you go on vacation for more than a week because he'll miss you
7. When you're in New York, he recommends you see a taping of "The Late Show"
6. Instead of the Ritz, you're staying at the Ratz
5. Your "plane ticket" is a post-it note with the handwritten message "Please admit one to the airplane"
4. You have a layover at Laguardia Airport . . . an eight-day layover
3. No number 3 — writer on vacation
2. Forget the restroom — you're riding in a JetBlue wheel well
1. Asks you to deliver a brown paper bag to a guy named Nikoli
David Letterman
Hot in New York City. To give you an idea how hot, coming in to work, the navigation lady kept giving me directions to Dairy Queen.
President Bush has ordered his troops to find Osama bin Laden. He really jumped on that one, didn’t he?
The CIA thinks they know where Osama bin Laden is. They think he’s hiding in the mountainous regions of Pamela Anderson.
Conan O'Brien
John McCain’s daughter is writing a children’s book based her father’s life. The children’s book is called, "James and the Giant Prostate.”
Today Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, "Shut up.”
Britney Spears flew to Mississippi this week to help her sister Jamie Lynn with her new baby. Britney says it’s really important that she spend time with the baby now — because soon it will be busy raising it’s own baby.
Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, "This is great . . . it’s just like being in an elevator.”
Craig Ferguson
Christie’s auction house in New York is auctioning off life vests from the Titanic. Why would anyone want a life vest from the Titanic? I’m pretty sure they don’t work.
"The Love Guru" with Mike Meyers opens today. He plays an Indian love guru with a funny accent. Critics say you need more than crappy wigs and a funny accent to make good comedy. And I say, No! That is not true.
His Scottish accent is better than mine.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is the last day of school for some. Starting tomorrow at 9 a.m., teenagers all across the country will settle in on their couches for three straight months of Grand Theft Auto.
A few others will get summer jobs and earn enough to get to the summer jobs . . . and maybe half-way home.
Some parents send their kids to camp . . . as far away as possible.
Jay Leno
It was so hot today, Barack Obama met with Al Gore just for the shade.
It was so hot, Lou Dobbs hired three illegal aliens to turn their leaf blowers on him.
According to the Pentagon, at least 1,000 nuclear missiles or components in the U.S. arsenal are lost or cannot be located. We can’t even find our own weapons of mass destruction.
Gas costs half as much in Mexico — 2 bucks a gallon. A lot of Americans are flocking to Tijuana to fill their tanks. And if you bring back 15 or 20 illegal aliens, you can use the carpool lane.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Travel Agent
10. Hotel stay is six days and two nights
9. Accepts payment in the form of personal check, credit card or freshly harvested kidneys
8. Won't let you go on vacation for more than a week because he'll miss you
7. When you're in New York, he recommends you see a taping of "The Late Show"
6. Instead of the Ritz, you're staying at the Ratz
5. Your "plane ticket" is a post-it note with the handwritten message "Please admit one to the airplane"
4. You have a layover at Laguardia Airport . . . an eight-day layover
3. No number 3 — writer on vacation
2. Forget the restroom — you're riding in a JetBlue wheel well
1. Asks you to deliver a brown paper bag to a guy named Nikoli
David Letterman
Hot in New York City. To give you an idea how hot, coming in to work, the navigation lady kept giving me directions to Dairy Queen.
President Bush has ordered his troops to find Osama bin Laden. He really jumped on that one, didn’t he?
The CIA thinks they know where Osama bin Laden is. They think he’s hiding in the mountainous regions of Pamela Anderson.
Conan O'Brien
John McCain’s daughter is writing a children’s book based her father’s life. The children’s book is called, "James and the Giant Prostate.”
Today Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, "Shut up.”
Britney Spears flew to Mississippi this week to help her sister Jamie Lynn with her new baby. Britney says it’s really important that she spend time with the baby now — because soon it will be busy raising it’s own baby.
Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, "This is great . . . it’s just like being in an elevator.”
Craig Ferguson
Christie’s auction house in New York is auctioning off life vests from the Titanic. Why would anyone want a life vest from the Titanic? I’m pretty sure they don’t work.
"The Love Guru" with Mike Meyers opens today. He plays an Indian love guru with a funny accent. Critics say you need more than crappy wigs and a funny accent to make good comedy. And I say, No! That is not true.
His Scottish accent is better than mine.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is the last day of school for some. Starting tomorrow at 9 a.m., teenagers all across the country will settle in on their couches for three straight months of Grand Theft Auto.
A few others will get summer jobs and earn enough to get to the summer jobs . . . and maybe half-way home.
Some parents send their kids to camp . . . as far away as possible.
