Friday, June 20, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? You’ve been neglecting your job trying to get a better job. You don’t get that job, so you to take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Imagine if you tried that with your boss. “Hey boss, listen — I’ve been looking for another job, and I’m exhausted. I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my checks.”
Michelle Obama, Barack Obama’s wife, was on “The View” yesterday. She managed to do something on that show that no one else has ever done: She got a word in edgewise.
President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at the campaign rally. So it’s kind of a wash.
Today is Paula Abdul’s birthday. Her friends had a surprise party for her. And someone asked her, “Were you surprised?” And she said, “Yeah — I had no idea it was my birthday.”
David Letterman
Gay people are now allowed to marry in the state of California. Today, Iron Man married The Hulk.
Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday to Paula Abdul — 46 years old today. If you’re looking for a gift, you can’t go wrong with something from Bed Bath & Waaaay Beyond.
Tomorrow is the longest day of the year. Happens every year. That’s right — I’m having lunch with Regis.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday on “The View,” Barack Obama’s wife Michelle did the "fist-bump" with all the co-hosts, and then she said the fist-bump is “the new high-five.” After hearing this, John McCain asked, “What the hell is a high-five?”
The latest rumor is now that Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination, she’s going to divorce Bill Clinton. Hillary’s exact quote was, “Just because my dream didn’t come true doesn’t mean his shouldn’t.”
Britney Spears says she’s going to move back to Louisiana for a month to help her 17 year-old sister raise her new baby. Britney says she’ll spend the first couple of days getting to know the baby — and the rest of the month teaching it to drive.
In California, Americans are flocking to Tijuana, Mexico to fill up their cars because gas is 50 percent cheaper there. Even better, the gas is free if you take two Mexicans home in your trunk.
Craig Ferguson
Today is Paula Abdul’s birthday. If you haven’t gotten Paula a gift, you can’t go wrong with a new prescription.
Very embarrassing for her at her party: She showed up wearing the same dress as Ryan Seacrest.
Here’s some happy news: Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are a couple again. It’s hard to keep track of that pair. And Tommy and Pamela.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Britney Spears’ sister, Jaime Lynn, gave birth to a baby girl. Which then gave birth to another baby girl.
If ever there were a job for Super Nanny, this is it. And Spider-Nanny, and Bat Nanny . . . send them all in there.
President bush was in Iowa surveying the flood damage. I’m not sure he learned from his mistakes after Hurricane Katrina [video of Bush fishing].
Barack Obama says he will not accept $85 million of public financing for his campaign. I guess he’s raising more money on his own, but passing on $85 million . . . Here are some things you can buy with $85 million: 85 million items at the 99 cent store . . . $85 million could get you a whole summer’s worth of gas . . . or with $85 million, you could buy Heather Mills.
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? You’ve been neglecting your job trying to get a better job. You don’t get that job, so you to take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Imagine if you tried that with your boss. “Hey boss, listen — I’ve been looking for another job, and I’m exhausted. I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my checks.”
Michelle Obama, Barack Obama’s wife, was on “The View” yesterday. She managed to do something on that show that no one else has ever done: She got a word in edgewise.
President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at the campaign rally. So it’s kind of a wash.
Today is Paula Abdul’s birthday. Her friends had a surprise party for her. And someone asked her, “Were you surprised?” And she said, “Yeah — I had no idea it was my birthday.”
David Letterman
Gay people are now allowed to marry in the state of California. Today, Iron Man married The Hulk.
Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday to Paula Abdul — 46 years old today. If you’re looking for a gift, you can’t go wrong with something from Bed Bath & Waaaay Beyond.
Tomorrow is the longest day of the year. Happens every year. That’s right — I’m having lunch with Regis.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday on “The View,” Barack Obama’s wife Michelle did the "fist-bump" with all the co-hosts, and then she said the fist-bump is “the new high-five.” After hearing this, John McCain asked, “What the hell is a high-five?”
The latest rumor is now that Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination, she’s going to divorce Bill Clinton. Hillary’s exact quote was, “Just because my dream didn’t come true doesn’t mean his shouldn’t.”
Britney Spears says she’s going to move back to Louisiana for a month to help her 17 year-old sister raise her new baby. Britney says she’ll spend the first couple of days getting to know the baby — and the rest of the month teaching it to drive.
In California, Americans are flocking to Tijuana, Mexico to fill up their cars because gas is 50 percent cheaper there. Even better, the gas is free if you take two Mexicans home in your trunk.
Craig Ferguson
Today is Paula Abdul’s birthday. If you haven’t gotten Paula a gift, you can’t go wrong with a new prescription.
Very embarrassing for her at her party: She showed up wearing the same dress as Ryan Seacrest.
Here’s some happy news: Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are a couple again. It’s hard to keep track of that pair. And Tommy and Pamela.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Britney Spears’ sister, Jaime Lynn, gave birth to a baby girl. Which then gave birth to another baby girl.
If ever there were a job for Super Nanny, this is it. And Spider-Nanny, and Bat Nanny . . . send them all in there.
President bush was in Iowa surveying the flood damage. I’m not sure he learned from his mistakes after Hurricane Katrina [video of Bush fishing].
Barack Obama says he will not accept $85 million of public financing for his campaign. I guess he’s raising more money on his own, but passing on $85 million . . . Here are some things you can buy with $85 million: 85 million items at the 99 cent store . . . $85 million could get you a whole summer’s worth of gas . . . or with $85 million, you could buy Heather Mills.
