Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Government figures released by President Bush show we are not in a recession. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or food or some other luxury item . . .
At a press conference, President Bush blasted Congress for not allowing oil exploration in the Alaskan Wildlife Reserve. Democrats said it wouldn’t do any good, because it wouldn’t produce oil for 10 years. You know, the same thing they said 10 years ago.
Barack Obama’s former pastor is getting more and more bizarre. He now says that the high price of gas is due to Dick Cheney and his friends. OK, he’s right on that . . .
I thought about that as I was filling up at a gas station today, or as I like to call it, Grand Theft Auto.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard on Hillary Clinton's First Day Back at Work
10. "Nice of you to show up"
9. "Did you win?"
8. "We chipped in for a welcome back pantsuit"
7. "Should I take the Madame President nameplate off your door?"
6. "Hillary's choking another superdelegate"
5. "On the bright side, you can once again partake in endless debates about agricultural subsidies"
4. "Senator Clinton, please stop throwing wads of paper at Senator Obama's head"
3. "I can't believe your shrill message of fear didn't resonate"
2. "Please stop taunting her, Senator Kerry"
1. "We'll begin as soon as Senator Craig returns from the restroom"
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she’ll consider making him her running mate.
Barack Obama has started a fashion craze in Italy. Italian designers have taken his look and they’re turning it into fashion. Don’t sell John McCain short — he’s also influencing fashion. He has popularized the “something on your chin” look.
Scientists have come up with a pill that makes you less shy. It makes you more outgoing; it gives you more personality. And I’m thinking, “Great — now I have to bring two pills on a date.”
Craig Ferguson
It was very hot in L.A. It was so hot, Kirstie Ally was using her swimming pool to cook spaghetti.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are going to be in a movie together. They’re doing a movie called, “What the Hell Are They Saying?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger met John McCain today. There was an awkward moment when they shook hands and McCain’s hand broke off.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
An interesting study was released today. People in California are less convinced there is a God than people of any state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires are burning out of control here.
There you go — God is real; he’s mad; and he’s trying to kill us.
It’s very hard for firefighters to get them under control, because the vegetation up in northern California, where the fires are, is about 40 percent marijuana plants.
Support crews are supposed to be bringing in supplies, but they keep bringing in Doritos and chocolate milkshakes.
Jay Leno
Government figures released by President Bush show we are not in a recession. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or food or some other luxury item . . .
At a press conference, President Bush blasted Congress for not allowing oil exploration in the Alaskan Wildlife Reserve. Democrats said it wouldn’t do any good, because it wouldn’t produce oil for 10 years. You know, the same thing they said 10 years ago.
Barack Obama’s former pastor is getting more and more bizarre. He now says that the high price of gas is due to Dick Cheney and his friends. OK, he’s right on that . . .
I thought about that as I was filling up at a gas station today, or as I like to call it, Grand Theft Auto.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard on Hillary Clinton's First Day Back at Work
10. "Nice of you to show up"
9. "Did you win?"
8. "We chipped in for a welcome back pantsuit"
7. "Should I take the Madame President nameplate off your door?"
6. "Hillary's choking another superdelegate"
5. "On the bright side, you can once again partake in endless debates about agricultural subsidies"
4. "Senator Clinton, please stop throwing wads of paper at Senator Obama's head"
3. "I can't believe your shrill message of fear didn't resonate"
2. "Please stop taunting her, Senator Kerry"
1. "We'll begin as soon as Senator Craig returns from the restroom"
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she’ll consider making him her running mate.
Barack Obama has started a fashion craze in Italy. Italian designers have taken his look and they’re turning it into fashion. Don’t sell John McCain short — he’s also influencing fashion. He has popularized the “something on your chin” look.
Scientists have come up with a pill that makes you less shy. It makes you more outgoing; it gives you more personality. And I’m thinking, “Great — now I have to bring two pills on a date.”
Craig Ferguson
It was very hot in L.A. It was so hot, Kirstie Ally was using her swimming pool to cook spaghetti.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are going to be in a movie together. They’re doing a movie called, “What the Hell Are They Saying?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger met John McCain today. There was an awkward moment when they shook hands and McCain’s hand broke off.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
An interesting study was released today. People in California are less convinced there is a God than people of any state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires are burning out of control here.
There you go — God is real; he’s mad; and he’s trying to kill us.
It’s very hard for firefighters to get them under control, because the vegetation up in northern California, where the fires are, is about 40 percent marijuana plants.
Support crews are supposed to be bringing in supplies, but they keep bringing in Doritos and chocolate milkshakes.
