Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
The good news is the whole Democratic primary voting process ended tonight . . . the bad news is, the 2012 Democratic primaries start on Thursday.
It looks like Barack Obama has won the nomination. Hillary Clinton is about to drop out. That means Bill Clinton is about to hear those three words he has been dreading: “Honey, I’m home!”
Scott McClellan has written a book highly critical of the Bush administration. While in Utah, President Bush told an audience that he has not read McClellan’s book, and he doesn’t plan to read it. Nothing to do with McClellan, just general principle . . . it’s book; it’s got big words, not a lot of pictures . . .
Dick Cheney has apologized for a joke he made about West Virginians and inbreeding at their expense. I don’t think Cheney gets it . . . today, while trying to apologize, he said he felt as stupid as a guy from Kentucky.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At Hillary Clinton Campaign Headquarters
10. "I can't believe the campaign's over already"
9. "Hillary's changing into her concession pantsuit"
8. "This is more depressing than a Mets game" - He did not say that!
7. "So they're nominating the guy with the most delegates, superdelegates, and states won? Outrageous!"
6. "Did you hear — the marquee melted on Letterman"
5. "Help us, Iron Man!!"
4. "The Senator is in intense negotiations with Jim Beam"
3. "There's a guy here to repossess the watercooler"
2. "It's not the end — you can always get fat and make a global warming documentary"
1. "Is Obama still hiring?"
David Letterman
You can tell it’s summer, because earlier today at the beach, that thing on Donald Trump’s head? It chased a tennis ball into the surf.
Dick Cheney got into trouble. He had to apologize for a joke he made about West Virginia . . . no word on the Iraq war . . .
Hot today. So hot, down in Washington Dick Cheney waterboarded himself.
The Democratic primaries may be over. Boy that snapped right by, didn’t it?
Conan O'Brien
The Associated Press reported today that Barack Obama has won enough delegates to clinch the Democratic presidential nomination. As a result, Hillary Clinton will concede sometime in the next 30 years.
A new article in Vanity Fair magazine hints that former President Bill Clinton may have had an affair with actress Gina Gershon. The Vanity Fair article also hints that John McCain may have had an affair with Estelle Getty.
The astronauts onboard the International Space Station may have to return to Earth early, because the toilet is malfunctioning. Because there are two things that should never ever go together — an overflowing toilet and a zero-gravity environment.
In Colorado, a man who robbed a Starbucks was arrested when he came back two days later to buy coffee. The man said he came back to buy coffee because it was Starbuck’s turn to rob him.
Craig Ferguson
John McCain is actively campaigning across the country. He’s looking for donors — mostly organ donors.
Birthdays today: Raul Castro and Anderson Cooper. Both very different, of course; one is ruthless dictator surrounded by Cuban men, and the other is Raul Castro.
There’s a new report out today that says scientists have discovered the perfect health food. It’s bugs. They’re great sources of protein, they’re high in nutrients, they’re low in cholesterol . . . they’re always coming out with some crazy information. Remember when scientists said one drink a day is good for you? They never said what size the drink should be.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It looks like we finally have a Democratic nominee for president. It looks like Barack Obama has enough delegates to be the nominee. And Hillary Clinton has indicated, privately to friends, who then blab it to news channels, that she is open to the vice presidency. This is great news for Bill Clinton who desperately wants the apartment in New York to himself.
This would mean Obama for president, Hillary for vice president, and Oprah on top of them.
There’s a new Vanity Fair article coming out that insinuates Bill has been kanoodling with actress Gina Gershon. He’s furious about this accusation because now he’s going to have to explain it to Megan Fox.
The article also quotes insiders who say that Bill’s personality changed after his surgery in 2004. Who’s personality doesn’t change after penis enlargement?
Jay Leno
The good news is the whole Democratic primary voting process ended tonight . . . the bad news is, the 2012 Democratic primaries start on Thursday.
It looks like Barack Obama has won the nomination. Hillary Clinton is about to drop out. That means Bill Clinton is about to hear those three words he has been dreading: “Honey, I’m home!”
Scott McClellan has written a book highly critical of the Bush administration. While in Utah, President Bush told an audience that he has not read McClellan’s book, and he doesn’t plan to read it. Nothing to do with McClellan, just general principle . . . it’s book; it’s got big words, not a lot of pictures . . .
Dick Cheney has apologized for a joke he made about West Virginians and inbreeding at their expense. I don’t think Cheney gets it . . . today, while trying to apologize, he said he felt as stupid as a guy from Kentucky.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At Hillary Clinton Campaign Headquarters
10. "I can't believe the campaign's over already"
9. "Hillary's changing into her concession pantsuit"
8. "This is more depressing than a Mets game" - He did not say that!
7. "So they're nominating the guy with the most delegates, superdelegates, and states won? Outrageous!"
6. "Did you hear — the marquee melted on Letterman"
5. "Help us, Iron Man!!"
4. "The Senator is in intense negotiations with Jim Beam"
3. "There's a guy here to repossess the watercooler"
2. "It's not the end — you can always get fat and make a global warming documentary"
1. "Is Obama still hiring?"
David Letterman
You can tell it’s summer, because earlier today at the beach, that thing on Donald Trump’s head? It chased a tennis ball into the surf.
Dick Cheney got into trouble. He had to apologize for a joke he made about West Virginia . . . no word on the Iraq war . . .
Hot today. So hot, down in Washington Dick Cheney waterboarded himself.
The Democratic primaries may be over. Boy that snapped right by, didn’t it?
Conan O'Brien
The Associated Press reported today that Barack Obama has won enough delegates to clinch the Democratic presidential nomination. As a result, Hillary Clinton will concede sometime in the next 30 years.
A new article in Vanity Fair magazine hints that former President Bill Clinton may have had an affair with actress Gina Gershon. The Vanity Fair article also hints that John McCain may have had an affair with Estelle Getty.
The astronauts onboard the International Space Station may have to return to Earth early, because the toilet is malfunctioning. Because there are two things that should never ever go together — an overflowing toilet and a zero-gravity environment.
In Colorado, a man who robbed a Starbucks was arrested when he came back two days later to buy coffee. The man said he came back to buy coffee because it was Starbuck’s turn to rob him.
Craig Ferguson
John McCain is actively campaigning across the country. He’s looking for donors — mostly organ donors.
Birthdays today: Raul Castro and Anderson Cooper. Both very different, of course; one is ruthless dictator surrounded by Cuban men, and the other is Raul Castro.
There’s a new report out today that says scientists have discovered the perfect health food. It’s bugs. They’re great sources of protein, they’re high in nutrients, they’re low in cholesterol . . . they’re always coming out with some crazy information. Remember when scientists said one drink a day is good for you? They never said what size the drink should be.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It looks like we finally have a Democratic nominee for president. It looks like Barack Obama has enough delegates to be the nominee. And Hillary Clinton has indicated, privately to friends, who then blab it to news channels, that she is open to the vice presidency. This is great news for Bill Clinton who desperately wants the apartment in New York to himself.
This would mean Obama for president, Hillary for vice president, and Oprah on top of them.
There’s a new Vanity Fair article coming out that insinuates Bill has been kanoodling with actress Gina Gershon. He’s furious about this accusation because now he’s going to have to explain it to Megan Fox.
The article also quotes insiders who say that Bill’s personality changed after his surgery in 2004. Who’s personality doesn’t change after penis enlargement?
