Friday, June 13, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
The country of Abu Dhabi has announced it is buying the Chrysler Building in New York. Why not? The Saudis already own the White House.
Why don’t they buy something the people don’t really want? Like the Knicks.
Today, they unveiled John McCain’s new campaign song: “Viva Viagra.”
The New York Times reports that Clinton associates are keeping an enemies list of people considered “Clinton traitors.” Ironically, both Bill and Hillary are on each other’s list.
Late Show Top Ten
Signs Your Wife Is Having an Affair with the Incredible Hulk
10. Someone sent her flowers with a note reading, "Me have good time last night."
9. She comes home late smelling "Hulky."
8. Your kids are green.
7. Find room service bill for one Nicoise salad and 7 pounds of raw meat.
6. She's also seeing Spider-Man, Iron Man, and three of the Fantastic Four.
5. You find credit card receipt from "Big & Tall & Green Man"
4. She upgraded your king size bed to "Hulk size."
3. You turn green from food poisoning. She sobs because you remind her of somebody.
2. She's been seen with a gigantic, inarticulate beast, but it ain't Arnold Schwarzenegger.
1. After sex, always complains you're not exactly "incredible."
David Letterman
Beautiful day here in New York City. So beautiful, the NBA was rigging volleyball.
NBA finals tonight. The suspense in this game is which team would come up with enough money to bribe the ref.
If you’re looking for the perfect Father’s Day gift for an older dad . . . how about Barbara Walters?
President Bush is traveling in Europe. He’s now in Venice, Italy. When he saw the street waterways, he said, “Don’t worry — FEMA is on the way.”
Conan O'Brien
Barrack Obama has come out and said the differences between him and Hillary are “minute” When he heard this, President Bush said, “I believe the word is pronounced minute [like the clock].”
Hillary has been staying at home and canceling all her public appearances. As a result, Bill has been staying at home and canceling all of his private appearances.
Angelina Jolie said, in an interview, that being pregnant is great for her sex life. Then she said what’s really great for her sex life is being Angelina Jolie.
Craig Ferguson
Forbes magazine’s celebrity 100 list came out today. The world’s richest celebrity is Oprah. I was hoping I’d be on it.
Then I remembered that I’m not rich . . . or a celebrity.
A new study says the most effective stress reducer is looking out the window. I’ve been doing this for years. It’s even more effective with a telescope. It’s great if you’ve got a neighbor who walks around topless.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I am wearing Bill Cosby’s shirt. It was a gift from my son, Theo.
That was a great show. Bill Cosby played an obstetrician who wore colorful shirts to distract women from the pain of child birth.
My parents wanted me to be a doctor when I grew up . . . this is probably as close as I’ll get.
Jay Leno
The country of Abu Dhabi has announced it is buying the Chrysler Building in New York. Why not? The Saudis already own the White House.
Why don’t they buy something the people don’t really want? Like the Knicks.
Today, they unveiled John McCain’s new campaign song: “Viva Viagra.”
The New York Times reports that Clinton associates are keeping an enemies list of people considered “Clinton traitors.” Ironically, both Bill and Hillary are on each other’s list.
Late Show Top Ten
Signs Your Wife Is Having an Affair with the Incredible Hulk
10. Someone sent her flowers with a note reading, "Me have good time last night."
9. She comes home late smelling "Hulky."
8. Your kids are green.
7. Find room service bill for one Nicoise salad and 7 pounds of raw meat.
6. She's also seeing Spider-Man, Iron Man, and three of the Fantastic Four.
5. You find credit card receipt from "Big & Tall & Green Man"
4. She upgraded your king size bed to "Hulk size."
3. You turn green from food poisoning. She sobs because you remind her of somebody.
2. She's been seen with a gigantic, inarticulate beast, but it ain't Arnold Schwarzenegger.
1. After sex, always complains you're not exactly "incredible."
David Letterman
Beautiful day here in New York City. So beautiful, the NBA was rigging volleyball.
NBA finals tonight. The suspense in this game is which team would come up with enough money to bribe the ref.
If you’re looking for the perfect Father’s Day gift for an older dad . . . how about Barbara Walters?
President Bush is traveling in Europe. He’s now in Venice, Italy. When he saw the street waterways, he said, “Don’t worry — FEMA is on the way.”
Conan O'Brien
Barrack Obama has come out and said the differences between him and Hillary are “minute” When he heard this, President Bush said, “I believe the word is pronounced minute [like the clock].”
Hillary has been staying at home and canceling all her public appearances. As a result, Bill has been staying at home and canceling all of his private appearances.
Angelina Jolie said, in an interview, that being pregnant is great for her sex life. Then she said what’s really great for her sex life is being Angelina Jolie.
Craig Ferguson
Forbes magazine’s celebrity 100 list came out today. The world’s richest celebrity is Oprah. I was hoping I’d be on it.
Then I remembered that I’m not rich . . . or a celebrity.
A new study says the most effective stress reducer is looking out the window. I’ve been doing this for years. It’s even more effective with a telescope. It’s great if you’ve got a neighbor who walks around topless.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I am wearing Bill Cosby’s shirt. It was a gift from my son, Theo.
That was a great show. Bill Cosby played an obstetrician who wore colorful shirts to distract women from the pain of child birth.
My parents wanted me to be a doctor when I grew up . . . this is probably as close as I’ll get.
