Thursday, June 19, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama has said he will visit Iraq. Or as John McCain still calls it, Mesopotamia.
Obama says he wants to visit an area overrun by violent extremists. Sounds like he misses his old church.
Former President Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama. I think his last endorsement was Stove Top Stuffing.
A new poll shows less than 1 out of 4 Americans now thinks President Bush is doing a good job. That means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table who thinks he’s doing a good job.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee
10. Your blood type has been reclassified as "espresso"
9. Every morning you go for a quick 47 mile jog
8. As soon as California legalized gay marriage, you got engaged to Mr. Coffee
7. Your after-shave? Hazelnut non-dairy creamer
6. You're tapping your leg like Larry Craig in a men's room stall
5. A Starbucks just opened in your basement
4. Your last words before bypass surgery: "Tell Juan Valdez I love him"
3. Average 80 blinks per minute
2. You named your kids "Tall," "Grande," and "Venti"
1. Unable to sleep, you actually watch "The Late Show"
David Letterman
The Mars Lander has found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Now, it’s looking for tequila.
It also found an old blender.
Last night on Celebrity Circus, Donald Trump used a whip and a chair to train that thing on his head.
Conan O'Brien
In a recent interview, President Bush said he might not be the last President Bush if his brother Jeb decides to run. When he heard this, Jeb said, “Please stop reminding everyone we’re related.”
Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her Web site, but none of the pictures showed Bill Clinton. Bill said, “That’s OK. None of the Web sites I go to have pictures of Hillary.”
Yesterday a top Starbucks executive resigned. He will receive a $120 million severance package or three lattes.
Residents of a Romanian village decided to re-elect their dead mayor rather than elect the younger one running against him. When he heard about it, John McCain said, “That’s a good sign.”
Craig Ferguson
Paul McCartney is 66 years old today. Isn’t that the number of the beast?
Congratulations to the NBA champions, the Boston Celtics. Last night they beat the L.A. Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, too close to call.
John McCain announced his energy plan. He’s wants to build 45 nuclear reactors. He’s going to need all that extra power to get him up the stairs.
Michelle Obama was a guest on “The View,” yesterday. She beat up Joy Behar and made out with Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama has said he will visit Iraq. Or as John McCain still calls it, Mesopotamia.
Obama says he wants to visit an area overrun by violent extremists. Sounds like he misses his old church.
Former President Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama. I think his last endorsement was Stove Top Stuffing.
A new poll shows less than 1 out of 4 Americans now thinks President Bush is doing a good job. That means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table who thinks he’s doing a good job.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee
10. Your blood type has been reclassified as "espresso"
9. Every morning you go for a quick 47 mile jog
8. As soon as California legalized gay marriage, you got engaged to Mr. Coffee
7. Your after-shave? Hazelnut non-dairy creamer
6. You're tapping your leg like Larry Craig in a men's room stall
5. A Starbucks just opened in your basement
4. Your last words before bypass surgery: "Tell Juan Valdez I love him"
3. Average 80 blinks per minute
2. You named your kids "Tall," "Grande," and "Venti"
1. Unable to sleep, you actually watch "The Late Show"
David Letterman
The Mars Lander has found traces of ice and salt on Mars. Now, it’s looking for tequila.
It also found an old blender.
Last night on Celebrity Circus, Donald Trump used a whip and a chair to train that thing on his head.
Conan O'Brien
In a recent interview, President Bush said he might not be the last President Bush if his brother Jeb decides to run. When he heard this, Jeb said, “Please stop reminding everyone we’re related.”
Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her Web site, but none of the pictures showed Bill Clinton. Bill said, “That’s OK. None of the Web sites I go to have pictures of Hillary.”
Yesterday a top Starbucks executive resigned. He will receive a $120 million severance package or three lattes.
Residents of a Romanian village decided to re-elect their dead mayor rather than elect the younger one running against him. When he heard about it, John McCain said, “That’s a good sign.”
Craig Ferguson
Paul McCartney is 66 years old today. Isn’t that the number of the beast?
Congratulations to the NBA champions, the Boston Celtics. Last night they beat the L.A. Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, too close to call.
John McCain announced his energy plan. He’s wants to build 45 nuclear reactors. He’s going to need all that extra power to get him up the stairs.
Michelle Obama was a guest on “The View,” yesterday. She beat up Joy Behar and made out with Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
