Friday, May 23, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Congratulations to David Cook from “American Idol.” He got aan amazing 50 million votes. He got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot.
You know the difference between “American Idol” and the Democratic primary? They count the votes from Florida and Michigan.
Oil company executives met with Congress yesterday. Oil executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room.
American Airlines is charging a $15 fee for checking your first bag. They’re calling it a service fee. Yeah — I believe the service is called extortion.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard in Line to See the New Indiana Jones Movie
10. "Indy's so old in this one, his whip needs Cialis"
9. "185 million dollar budget — there better be some damn monkeys"
8. "Dude, why the hell are you dressed as Spock?"
7. "I can't wait for the next one in 2027"
6. "Is this the movie about those four women who go slutting around New York City?"
5. "If Indiana Jones wants to defeat evil, he should go after the oil companies — zing!"
4. "Yes, Harrison, you're eligible for the senior citizen discount"
3. No number 3 — writer waiting in line to see new Indiana Jones movie
2. "If I want to see an old guy running around, I'll go to a McCain rally"
1. "Shouldn't you be at the White House, Mr. President?"
David Letterman
Big holiday weekend coming up. Here in New York City on Memorial Day weekend, everybody leaves the city. It’s the one time the city is great, and there’s nobody here to enjoy it.
In fact, Gen. Grant headed for his tomb in the Hamptons.
American Airlines is now charging $15 for each first checked bag. And I said, “Hey — anything to slow down that ticket line is OK by me.”
Fifteen dollars for each checked bag. And I’m guessing we get to charge them for each canceled flight?
Conan O'Brien
This week, Barack Obama was endorsed by 90-year-old Sen. Robert Byrd. Byrd said, “Obama will make a great president, and if he doesn’t, I won’t be around anyway.”
The city of Canton, Ohio wants to impose jail sentences on homeowners who don’t mow their lawns. Residents say this is unfair because watching grass grow is the most exciting thing to do in Canton, Ohio.
It’s been revealed that Charlie Sheen pays his ex-wife Denise Richards $52,000 a month in child support. Sheen says, “I've never paid that much money to a woman who didn't have a pimp."
Craig Ferguson
I got a hair cut today. A little snow on the roof now . . .
“American Idol” last night . . . I never miss it. It’s nice to see a contest that actually has a winner — I’m talking to you, Democrats.
Happy birthday to unstable supermodel Naomi Campbell. If you want to buy her a gift, don’t buy her anything that’s going to hurt if she throws it at you.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
David Cook won "American Idol" last night. It was a very tough night for 12-year-old David Archeleta.
Now that celebrity dancing and karaoke singing are over, it’s time to catch up on other news. Did you know there’s a black guy and a lady running for president?
Jessica Alba surprised everyone and married her longtime boyfriend this week. He did a funny thing — instead of saying, “I do,” he said, “Duhhh.”
Jay Leno
Congratulations to David Cook from “American Idol.” He got aan amazing 50 million votes. He got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot.
You know the difference between “American Idol” and the Democratic primary? They count the votes from Florida and Michigan.
Oil company executives met with Congress yesterday. Oil executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room.
American Airlines is charging a $15 fee for checking your first bag. They’re calling it a service fee. Yeah — I believe the service is called extortion.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard in Line to See the New Indiana Jones Movie
10. "Indy's so old in this one, his whip needs Cialis"
9. "185 million dollar budget — there better be some damn monkeys"
8. "Dude, why the hell are you dressed as Spock?"
7. "I can't wait for the next one in 2027"
6. "Is this the movie about those four women who go slutting around New York City?"
5. "If Indiana Jones wants to defeat evil, he should go after the oil companies — zing!"
4. "Yes, Harrison, you're eligible for the senior citizen discount"
3. No number 3 — writer waiting in line to see new Indiana Jones movie
2. "If I want to see an old guy running around, I'll go to a McCain rally"
1. "Shouldn't you be at the White House, Mr. President?"
David Letterman
Big holiday weekend coming up. Here in New York City on Memorial Day weekend, everybody leaves the city. It’s the one time the city is great, and there’s nobody here to enjoy it.
In fact, Gen. Grant headed for his tomb in the Hamptons.
American Airlines is now charging $15 for each first checked bag. And I said, “Hey — anything to slow down that ticket line is OK by me.”
Fifteen dollars for each checked bag. And I’m guessing we get to charge them for each canceled flight?
Conan O'Brien
This week, Barack Obama was endorsed by 90-year-old Sen. Robert Byrd. Byrd said, “Obama will make a great president, and if he doesn’t, I won’t be around anyway.”
The city of Canton, Ohio wants to impose jail sentences on homeowners who don’t mow their lawns. Residents say this is unfair because watching grass grow is the most exciting thing to do in Canton, Ohio.
It’s been revealed that Charlie Sheen pays his ex-wife Denise Richards $52,000 a month in child support. Sheen says, “I've never paid that much money to a woman who didn't have a pimp."
Craig Ferguson
I got a hair cut today. A little snow on the roof now . . .
“American Idol” last night . . . I never miss it. It’s nice to see a contest that actually has a winner — I’m talking to you, Democrats.
Happy birthday to unstable supermodel Naomi Campbell. If you want to buy her a gift, don’t buy her anything that’s going to hurt if she throws it at you.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
David Cook won "American Idol" last night. It was a very tough night for 12-year-old David Archeleta.
Now that celebrity dancing and karaoke singing are over, it’s time to catch up on other news. Did you know there’s a black guy and a lady running for president?
Jessica Alba surprised everyone and married her longtime boyfriend this week. He did a funny thing — instead of saying, “I do,” he said, “Duhhh.”
