Thursday, May 8, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
This Sunday is Mother's Day. Now if you haven't gotten your mom a gift yet, you can't go wrong with a gallon of gasoline. It's a little pricey, but hey, you only have one mom.
They say the Clinton campaign is out of money. And today Republicans asked, "How much do you need?"
You can tell Barack Obama is feeling confident. Today he went bowling with his former pastor, Rev. Wright.
Hillary Clinton said in her interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs There's Trouble at The Weather Channel
10. They're rerunning forecasts from 2004
9. Weathercasters giggle every time they say, "ball lightning"
8. Hours of programming devoted to footage of clouds that look like monkeys
7. Watercooler talk includes hilarious comments like, "Doppler. I don't even know her."
6. Long range forecast — "Winter: Cold, Summer: Hot"
5. CEO was caught selling anemometers out of the trunk of his car
4. Smiling graphic on the sun is giving the finger
3. From 6pm to midnight it's just a guy making wind noises with his mouth
2. They don't have a single magician on this week
1. Satellite shot always seems to catch Jennifer Aniston sunbathing
David Letterman
Beautiful day here in New York City. It’s sunny and 74, just like Richard Simmons.
It was so warm today, Barbara Walters had an affair with the senator from Alaska.
In Barbara Walters’ memoir, she reveals stunning revelations. She used to do crossword puzzles waiting for Bob Dole’s Viagra to kick in.
Very bad allergy season this year: Apparently, North Carolina is allergic to Hillary Clinton.
Conan O'Brien
Tough night for Hillary. Though she's losing, she says there are still six states left. Barack Obama is favored in Oregon, Montana, and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
Hillary, on the campaign trail, said her first job was as a baby sitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told reporters his first time was with a baby sitter.
In Los Angeles, a judge has ruled that Britney Spears can spend Mother’s Day with her kids. Her kids are thrilled because they’ve never been to a nightclub.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary was crushed last night in North Carolina. She has a more realistic plan for victory, though. She’s entering the NBA playoffs.
According to a new study, having a large derriere, may offer protection against diabetes. It doesn’t offer any protection against Sir Mix-A Lot, though. “I like big butts and I cannot lie . . .”
Koala bears are being affected by global warming. It’s making their food poisonous. Koala bears sit around all day eating eucalyptus leaves. Eucalyptus leaves are narcotic, so they’re wasted all the time. I think we should bring the koala bears to Los Angeles. They would fit right in: They’re adorable; they’re vegetarians; they’re stoned all the time . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton says she’s in the race to the bitter end, or at least until her husband Bill takes the sock off the door handle.
Charlie Sheen is getting married. This will make wife No. 3 for him. Somebody should tell him you don’t need to get married to have a bachelor party.
Lindsay Lohan’s mom Dena was named one of Long Island’s top 20 mothers of celebrities. It’s a Mother’s Day award, and I’m told it’s going to go up on the mantel next to her Mother-Daughter Jello-Shot Championship trophy.
Jay Leno
This Sunday is Mother's Day. Now if you haven't gotten your mom a gift yet, you can't go wrong with a gallon of gasoline. It's a little pricey, but hey, you only have one mom.
They say the Clinton campaign is out of money. And today Republicans asked, "How much do you need?"
You can tell Barack Obama is feeling confident. Today he went bowling with his former pastor, Rev. Wright.
Hillary Clinton said in her interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs There's Trouble at The Weather Channel
10. They're rerunning forecasts from 2004
9. Weathercasters giggle every time they say, "ball lightning"
8. Hours of programming devoted to footage of clouds that look like monkeys
7. Watercooler talk includes hilarious comments like, "Doppler. I don't even know her."
6. Long range forecast — "Winter: Cold, Summer: Hot"
5. CEO was caught selling anemometers out of the trunk of his car
4. Smiling graphic on the sun is giving the finger
3. From 6pm to midnight it's just a guy making wind noises with his mouth
2. They don't have a single magician on this week
1. Satellite shot always seems to catch Jennifer Aniston sunbathing
David Letterman
Beautiful day here in New York City. It’s sunny and 74, just like Richard Simmons.
It was so warm today, Barbara Walters had an affair with the senator from Alaska.
In Barbara Walters’ memoir, she reveals stunning revelations. She used to do crossword puzzles waiting for Bob Dole’s Viagra to kick in.
Very bad allergy season this year: Apparently, North Carolina is allergic to Hillary Clinton.
Conan O'Brien
Tough night for Hillary. Though she's losing, she says there are still six states left. Barack Obama is favored in Oregon, Montana, and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
Hillary, on the campaign trail, said her first job was as a baby sitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told reporters his first time was with a baby sitter.
In Los Angeles, a judge has ruled that Britney Spears can spend Mother’s Day with her kids. Her kids are thrilled because they’ve never been to a nightclub.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary was crushed last night in North Carolina. She has a more realistic plan for victory, though. She’s entering the NBA playoffs.
According to a new study, having a large derriere, may offer protection against diabetes. It doesn’t offer any protection against Sir Mix-A Lot, though. “I like big butts and I cannot lie . . .”
Koala bears are being affected by global warming. It’s making their food poisonous. Koala bears sit around all day eating eucalyptus leaves. Eucalyptus leaves are narcotic, so they’re wasted all the time. I think we should bring the koala bears to Los Angeles. They would fit right in: They’re adorable; they’re vegetarians; they’re stoned all the time . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton says she’s in the race to the bitter end, or at least until her husband Bill takes the sock off the door handle.
Charlie Sheen is getting married. This will make wife No. 3 for him. Somebody should tell him you don’t need to get married to have a bachelor party.
Lindsay Lohan’s mom Dena was named one of Long Island’s top 20 mothers of celebrities. It’s a Mother’s Day award, and I’m told it’s going to go up on the mantel next to her Mother-Daughter Jello-Shot Championship trophy.
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