Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Scorcher today. It was so hot, Hillary Clinton became delusional and began claiming she can win the White House . . . no, sorry, that was the regular Hillary. It had nothing to do with the heat.
Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the river . . . . after the rally, Barack feed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fishes.
The oldest serving member of Congress, former Klan member Sen. Robert Byrd, has endorsed Barack Obama for president. That’s got to make Hillary feel good . . . Even the Klan guys are going, “I’m going with the black guy.”
The New York Daily News says that Barack Obama’s biggest problem now is how to get rid of Hillary Clinton “gently.” To which Bill Clinton said, “Good luck with that. Let me know how that’s going.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises in the New Osama bin Laden Audio Tape
10. The tape begins with, "Jihad, Jihad, 1, 2, 3 . . . Jihad, Jihad, 1, 2, 3 . . ."
9. Kept promoting weekly iTunes terror podcasts
8. Went nuts on caller who said Joe Girardi's doing a good job
7. He's a little pitchy, dawg
6. It's just an infomercial for his new "Lean, Mean Goat Grillin' Machine"
5. Complains "Grey's Anatomy" has totally "jumped the shark"
4. He's interrupted three times by the blind sheik yelling, "Baba Booey!"
3. Background noise suggests he's clearly at a bowling alley
2. Announced his engagement to Star Jones
1. Even he can't believe Bush hasn't caught him
David Letterman
Gas prices . . . just crazy. Here’s what I’m doing: I’m just buying it by the glass.
Oil is $125 a barrel. But if you return the barrel . . . you get a $2 deposit back.
President Bush is back from his trip from the Mideast, and he did accomplish one thing — he found the crystal skull.
In the new bin laden tape — this is shocking — he admits he had an affair with Barbara Walters.
Conan O'Brien
In a speech this past weekend, Hillary Clinton said John McCain couldn’t be more out of touch. Then she said, “If you’ll excuse me, I’m about to win the Democratic nomination.”
Barack Obama also going after John McCain. Obama accused McCain of trying to bankrupt Social Security. Not by voting against it, but by collecting it for 80 years.
Microsoft in the news. Microsoft is aggressively trying to stop Yahoo! from striking a deal with Google. Experts are calling this the nerdiest fight since “Stargate” went up against “Battlestar Gallactica.”
Craig Ferguson
Today is officially the first day gay couples can apply for marriage licenses. Call me George Clooney.
Gay marriage is secretly a right-wing conspiracy to stop gay sex, that’s what I think.
A truck overturned in L.A. and spilled 14 tons of Oreo cookies. Authorities say it won’t be cleaned up until well after midnight . . . that’s when Kirstie Alley’s plane gets in.
Jay Leno
Scorcher today. It was so hot, Hillary Clinton became delusional and began claiming she can win the White House . . . no, sorry, that was the regular Hillary. It had nothing to do with the heat.
Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the river . . . . after the rally, Barack feed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fishes.
The oldest serving member of Congress, former Klan member Sen. Robert Byrd, has endorsed Barack Obama for president. That’s got to make Hillary feel good . . . Even the Klan guys are going, “I’m going with the black guy.”
The New York Daily News says that Barack Obama’s biggest problem now is how to get rid of Hillary Clinton “gently.” To which Bill Clinton said, “Good luck with that. Let me know how that’s going.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises in the New Osama bin Laden Audio Tape
10. The tape begins with, "Jihad, Jihad, 1, 2, 3 . . . Jihad, Jihad, 1, 2, 3 . . ."
9. Kept promoting weekly iTunes terror podcasts
8. Went nuts on caller who said Joe Girardi's doing a good job
7. He's a little pitchy, dawg
6. It's just an infomercial for his new "Lean, Mean Goat Grillin' Machine"
5. Complains "Grey's Anatomy" has totally "jumped the shark"
4. He's interrupted three times by the blind sheik yelling, "Baba Booey!"
3. Background noise suggests he's clearly at a bowling alley
2. Announced his engagement to Star Jones
1. Even he can't believe Bush hasn't caught him
David Letterman
Gas prices . . . just crazy. Here’s what I’m doing: I’m just buying it by the glass.
Oil is $125 a barrel. But if you return the barrel . . . you get a $2 deposit back.
President Bush is back from his trip from the Mideast, and he did accomplish one thing — he found the crystal skull.
In the new bin laden tape — this is shocking — he admits he had an affair with Barbara Walters.
Conan O'Brien
In a speech this past weekend, Hillary Clinton said John McCain couldn’t be more out of touch. Then she said, “If you’ll excuse me, I’m about to win the Democratic nomination.”
Barack Obama also going after John McCain. Obama accused McCain of trying to bankrupt Social Security. Not by voting against it, but by collecting it for 80 years.
Microsoft in the news. Microsoft is aggressively trying to stop Yahoo! from striking a deal with Google. Experts are calling this the nerdiest fight since “Stargate” went up against “Battlestar Gallactica.”
Craig Ferguson
Today is officially the first day gay couples can apply for marriage licenses. Call me George Clooney.
Gay marriage is secretly a right-wing conspiracy to stop gay sex, that’s what I think.
A truck overturned in L.A. and spilled 14 tons of Oreo cookies. Authorities say it won’t be cleaned up until well after midnight . . . that’s when Kirstie Alley’s plane gets in.
