Saturday, May 10, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Bush’s daughter, Jenna, is getting married this weekend in Crawford, Texas. It’s going to be a relatively small wedding with only her family’s loved ones — the CEOs of the five major oil companies.
According to the most recent exit polls, most people say that Hillary should exit.
The latest rumor is that Hillary’s campaign is going broke. Her staff has been told that future campaign events will have to cut back on the frills. For example, when traveling, Bill and Hillary now have to share a hotel room. It’s going to be a hardship.
But you know something? I think she’s getting a little desperate. Like today in a small town in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton told a crowd that not only are she and Bill husband and wife, they are also brother and sister.
David Letterman
I was going to get my mom something special for Mother’s Day, but then I realized she’s already going to get that economic stimulus check.
Then I told her, “Mom, c’mon out.” But then I realized she doesn’t have enough Greyhound frequent flyer miles.
Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. Dick Cheney will be there, so it’ll be a shotgun wedding.
There’s a rice shortage going on, so they will be throwing baked potatoes.
Conan O'Brien
The other day Hillary Clinton told reporters that she is the designated worrier in the family. Hillary said that she wakes up every night at 4 a.m. and worries about where her husband is.
Right now, Barack Obama is trailing in the polls in West Virginia, and political experts say it’s because Barack doesn’t have a lot in common with West Virginia voters. After hearing this, Barack said, “Thank God.”
Nelson Mandela has invited Amy Winehouse to perform at a concert celebrating his birthday. Winehouse says she admires Mandela and would love to be there, but it’s the same night she’s scheduled to punch out a fireman.
The other day in Iowa, a 78-year-old blind man went bowling, and he bowled a perfect game. Of course, no one had the heart to tell him he was in a supermarket.
Craig Ferguson
Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. But she did not sign a prenup. Apparently, the family doesn’t believe in exit strategies.
A new economic study coming out today shows that women have an easier time getting a job than men. All except Hillary Clinton.
Democrats are really trying to pressure Hillary to drop out. She hasn’t faced this much pressure from another Democrat since Bill tried to get her into a three-way.
Sunday is Mother’s Day. In Scotland, Mother’s day is in March, which always throws me off. This year my mom called and said, “Today’s Mother’s Day. Don’t feel bad for not calling . . . but Conan O’Brien did.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sunday is Mother’s Day. If you forgot to get your mother a bouquet, now is the time to steal flowers from your neighbors.
Don’t steal your neighbors; that’s highly illegal.
I got my mom somethi8ng really good this year, something she’s wanted for a really long time — the Kim Kardashian sex tape.
Jay Leno
President Bush’s daughter, Jenna, is getting married this weekend in Crawford, Texas. It’s going to be a relatively small wedding with only her family’s loved ones — the CEOs of the five major oil companies.
According to the most recent exit polls, most people say that Hillary should exit.
The latest rumor is that Hillary’s campaign is going broke. Her staff has been told that future campaign events will have to cut back on the frills. For example, when traveling, Bill and Hillary now have to share a hotel room. It’s going to be a hardship.
But you know something? I think she’s getting a little desperate. Like today in a small town in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton told a crowd that not only are she and Bill husband and wife, they are also brother and sister.
David Letterman
I was going to get my mom something special for Mother’s Day, but then I realized she’s already going to get that economic stimulus check.
Then I told her, “Mom, c’mon out.” But then I realized she doesn’t have enough Greyhound frequent flyer miles.
Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. Dick Cheney will be there, so it’ll be a shotgun wedding.
There’s a rice shortage going on, so they will be throwing baked potatoes.
Conan O'Brien
The other day Hillary Clinton told reporters that she is the designated worrier in the family. Hillary said that she wakes up every night at 4 a.m. and worries about where her husband is.
Right now, Barack Obama is trailing in the polls in West Virginia, and political experts say it’s because Barack doesn’t have a lot in common with West Virginia voters. After hearing this, Barack said, “Thank God.”
Nelson Mandela has invited Amy Winehouse to perform at a concert celebrating his birthday. Winehouse says she admires Mandela and would love to be there, but it’s the same night she’s scheduled to punch out a fireman.
The other day in Iowa, a 78-year-old blind man went bowling, and he bowled a perfect game. Of course, no one had the heart to tell him he was in a supermarket.
Craig Ferguson
Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. But she did not sign a prenup. Apparently, the family doesn’t believe in exit strategies.
A new economic study coming out today shows that women have an easier time getting a job than men. All except Hillary Clinton.
Democrats are really trying to pressure Hillary to drop out. She hasn’t faced this much pressure from another Democrat since Bill tried to get her into a three-way.
Sunday is Mother’s Day. In Scotland, Mother’s day is in March, which always throws me off. This year my mom called and said, “Today’s Mother’s Day. Don’t feel bad for not calling . . . but Conan O’Brien did.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sunday is Mother’s Day. If you forgot to get your mother a bouquet, now is the time to steal flowers from your neighbors.
Don’t steal your neighbors; that’s highly illegal.
I got my mom somethi8ng really good this year, something she’s wanted for a really long time — the Kim Kardashian sex tape.
