Friday, May 16, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hot today. People were sweating like George Bush when he heard that gay marriage is legal in California.
The Supreme Court overturned the state’s ban on gay marriage. You though it was hard to be a single girl before. Guys were either gay or married, now they’re gay and married.
John Edwards has officially endorsed Barack Obama. They say the endorsement will help Obama win over Hillary Democrats. Hillary Democrats are those who duck sniper fire while downing whiskey shots.
Yesterday in an interview, Hillary Clinton said that her comment about getting the support of the white people was one of the dumbest things she’s ever said. Well, that and when she turned to Bill and said, “I do.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Is Drunk
10. Your report card is written on a damp cocktail napkin
9. Insists the Civil War was fought between Jack Daniel and Jim Beam
8. Tells class to hit the showers, but he's not a gym teacher
7. Every time the bell rings, he shouts, "Last call!"
6. Students give her an apple — she makes Apple-tinis
5. By the end of the day, he's eaten three boxes of chalk
4. He tries to skateboard over a U-haul truck
3. No number 3 — writer in jetBlue bathroom
2. Keeps getting his tongue stuck in the pencil sharpener
1. Teacher knows less about the Middle East than George W. Bush
David Letterman
Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins. She plans to adopt both of them.
Hillary Clinton’s not dropping out. In West Virginia she won big; no delegates, but she won big, and now she goes to South America to continue the campaign . . .
Her campaign is now $21 million in debt. That’s the world’s most expensive fantasy camp.
She thinks there’s a chance. She’s counting on her stimulus check to keep her going.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama is in the spotlight. Last night he had to apologize for calling a reporter “Sweetie.” Meanwhile, Bill Clinton apologized for calling a reporter when her husband was home.
Last night in an interview with Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton said she would not quit no matter how bad her numbers were. Then Katie Couric said the same thing to Hillary.
Yesterday, Pope Benedict praised virgins from abstaining from sex. Reporters said it was the first time a Pope has ever appeared at a Star Trek convention.
The California Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal. Experts called the ruling a great victory for gay Mexicans.
Craig Ferguson
It’s Las Vegas’ birthday today. It was founded 103 years ago. What do you get a city that’s founded on lawlessness? They’ve already got drinking and gambling, and Carrot Top.
A lot of people think that Las Vegas has legalized prostitution. They do not. I found out the hard way.
It is legal in Pahrump, Nev., just 45 miles outside of Las Vegas. You take I-15 north, get off at exit 33 . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage. That means after years of struggle, the California gay community can now make the biggest mistake of their lives.
This is what happens when you have a governor who you’ve seen more often shirtless than in a suit.
Outside the courthouse there was a lot of spontaneous crying and decorating.
Sad news for gay people: Another season of “America’s Top Model” has come to an end.
Jay Leno
Hot today. People were sweating like George Bush when he heard that gay marriage is legal in California.
The Supreme Court overturned the state’s ban on gay marriage. You though it was hard to be a single girl before. Guys were either gay or married, now they’re gay and married.
John Edwards has officially endorsed Barack Obama. They say the endorsement will help Obama win over Hillary Democrats. Hillary Democrats are those who duck sniper fire while downing whiskey shots.
Yesterday in an interview, Hillary Clinton said that her comment about getting the support of the white people was one of the dumbest things she’s ever said. Well, that and when she turned to Bill and said, “I do.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Is Drunk
10. Your report card is written on a damp cocktail napkin
9. Insists the Civil War was fought between Jack Daniel and Jim Beam
8. Tells class to hit the showers, but he's not a gym teacher
7. Every time the bell rings, he shouts, "Last call!"
6. Students give her an apple — she makes Apple-tinis
5. By the end of the day, he's eaten three boxes of chalk
4. He tries to skateboard over a U-haul truck
3. No number 3 — writer in jetBlue bathroom
2. Keeps getting his tongue stuck in the pencil sharpener
1. Teacher knows less about the Middle East than George W. Bush
David Letterman
Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins. She plans to adopt both of them.
Hillary Clinton’s not dropping out. In West Virginia she won big; no delegates, but she won big, and now she goes to South America to continue the campaign . . .
Her campaign is now $21 million in debt. That’s the world’s most expensive fantasy camp.
She thinks there’s a chance. She’s counting on her stimulus check to keep her going.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama is in the spotlight. Last night he had to apologize for calling a reporter “Sweetie.” Meanwhile, Bill Clinton apologized for calling a reporter when her husband was home.
Last night in an interview with Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton said she would not quit no matter how bad her numbers were. Then Katie Couric said the same thing to Hillary.
Yesterday, Pope Benedict praised virgins from abstaining from sex. Reporters said it was the first time a Pope has ever appeared at a Star Trek convention.
The California Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal. Experts called the ruling a great victory for gay Mexicans.
Craig Ferguson
It’s Las Vegas’ birthday today. It was founded 103 years ago. What do you get a city that’s founded on lawlessness? They’ve already got drinking and gambling, and Carrot Top.
A lot of people think that Las Vegas has legalized prostitution. They do not. I found out the hard way.
It is legal in Pahrump, Nev., just 45 miles outside of Las Vegas. You take I-15 north, get off at exit 33 . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage. That means after years of struggle, the California gay community can now make the biggest mistake of their lives.
This is what happens when you have a governor who you’ve seen more often shirtless than in a suit.
Outside the courthouse there was a lot of spontaneous crying and decorating.
Sad news for gay people: Another season of “America’s Top Model” has come to an end.
